a little trivia

I .... am... procrastinating my report writing.. I have to submit weekly and monthly reports for work. Weird hor? This company is very into assessing and challenging each and every employee EvErYdaY. But I feel like sleeping...

****

Anyway, I dined at Jack's Place today. Ermm...I was very disappointed with the food there. Went to get Happy Cup bubble tea after that. :) Don't tell me that I am consuming a drink that is out of trend. I don't follow trends.

My friend came to return me a textbook she borrowed earlier. So I have to carry it home. I asked JJ to carry for me. And he sorta complained about the heavy load and all.. After a while, I decided that I would just carry the book myself. Then, he passed the book to me.. but decided that he would carry it for me again when he noticed that I have difficulty carrying my book and bag. But I refused to give him the book cos rather carry it myself than hear him complaining, see him look like he's having difficulty carrying the book and still having to send me home when he's tired. Because of this, both of us got unhappy. Dumb huh? I made a comment, " my bf is so weird" Sometimes I send him home. Sometimes I help him carry his things. OFten I carry my own stuff.

On the bus, I started looking for my handphone and realised I lost it. This got us talking again and the heavy textbook hatchet buried. I was quiet, murmuring how I am broke enough and now I lost my mobile phone. No hysterical outburst. he was worried that i am sad. He said,"looks like i have to buy you a handphone for your birthday instead" hee.. I was kind of overjoyed. finally! finally, he offered to buy me a phone. my blue nokia 8855 is in bad shape with scratches. It's 2 year old too. I definitely won't ask him to buy me one, unless he offers to.

anyway, he came up to my house for a while to get Jack's Place number and called them up. And..... My phone is with them! haha..So.. I am going to get it back tomorrow before work. No more new handphone.. :) but well.. doesn't quite matter.

LAter on, over msn, he said again," you are the most quarrelsome girlfriend I ever had"
(I am his No. 6 gf, excluding dating, failed chasing and flings) Ok. i am so li4 hai4 to be top in quarrelsomeness huh.

*****

ACtually.. I recall that I was not against my first bf viewing porn and doing whatever. I don't get jealous when he had close female friends, when he told me how he thought some of his female friends are pretty. And it's all because I trust him. He's always honest to me. NEver lied. And I know that he loved me and wouldn't hurt me ever. I know he would want to marry me one day.

He was my crush in JC. Stayed in that lousy JC because of him. I was in band playing saxophone, he playing flute. He was in my senior class and I picked him for the angel and mortal game where I started writing to him. There was an astronomy club camp at pulau ubin. I had to pull strings to get into the camp which I badly want to go. He was the photographer for that camp. At night, I played the song "I'm the one who wants to be with you..." by Mr Big. I fast forward the song to just before the chorus, ran to his tent, shove my discman to him to listen and ran back to my tent. :) The chorus goes "I'm the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you feel it too..waiting on a line of greens and blues, just to be the next to be with you."
LAter on, he came to my tent, asked me to go out for a walk along the beach.. and we spent the night looking out for shooting stars ....

I couldn't believe how lucky I was. He was a total angel. I had an angel for a bf. Selfless, always loving..The relationship ended after 4 years... It was my fault at the start. I didn't cherish him enough. Suddenly, I wasn't his lovely, creative, brainy and innocent gf anymore. He doesn't reside in Singapore. He's not a local. Hongkong is where he lives now, a country I never want to go to again.

After that.. I believed that I ran out of luck, that God wants to punish me and teach me a lesson I never would forget. I met my 2nd bf.. who was a terror. a compulsive liar. lies about every single thing. he's selfish and one who never appreciates me too. I was just someone to fill his loneliness after his exgf dumped him for a couple of days. Aiyah, I don't want to elaborate on his lies..

He decided to halt his university studies and slacked around playing arcade and playstation all day...finally got him to go work. he worked at mos burger where he met a female colleague there. he's 25 and she 19. Apparently they fell in love and he started lying even more.. I analysed for him how I am definitely a better gf for him than her..well.. eventually i gave up. I knew I wasted a lot of time on him, but I am just one who wouldn't give up on a relationship easily.. I asked, "can you go chop him into pieces for me?","can i sue him for extreme emotional torture?"

A month later.. I finally got on with my life. Was eating prata and chatting with a close gf when I received an sms from this idiot. Started with, "hi, how r u" .. I was rather shocked that he would contact me again. Cos he was avoiding me like plague then. LAter on.. he went on saying how remorseful he was and how he loved only me and not her. Said he would break up with her and noone loves me more than he does.. errr..that's very funny..noone ever hurt me more than he did before in my life. nope.. nope.. never got back together with him. thank god! I totally forgave him when i met him again you know.. but thank god i didn't get back together with him eventually. That was about July 2004.

because of him, i am terrified of pple lying to me.... I wouldn't say that i started distrusting every single guy afterwards.. cos there were a few guys after the break up and I could trust them. Two of which were Ryan and JJ. Ryan was really good to me and I could trust him to love and dote on me a lot. But, butbut.. he's not my ideal bf in other aspects. He was just about my height. He irks me with his atrocious english, poor direction sense, very forgetful, cannot understand a lot of things I say....

JJ on the other hand was brainy. He was taking MBA at that time and I am most excited to acquaint with pple doing business. I love to do all the "intellectual talking" with him. But he doesn't make me feel secure. I didn't want to believe that he like me. Perhaps it's cos he is really goodlooking and i just cannot believe that he would like me. He could easily find another more attractive girl, but why me? I just don't like to have a goodlooking guy for a boyfriend. In my opinion, a goodlooking bf is a lot of trouble. Girls leech to him and I am supposed to be understanding about it. I don't want to be understanding. I don't want to meet with such situations.

i need to go zzzZZZzzzzZZ... gosh.. how did my little trivia develop into this old grandmother story?

To round up.. It's not that I don't trust all guys. But JJ doesn't give me security. He's lied to me before. He's hidden stuff from me before.. I can't trust him to be honest with me. I did try to encourage him to be honest with me, try to get him to understand that he needs to win back my trust..he makes me feel that he's the kind who will betray me for his own 'happiness and pleasure' and hide it from me one day.. yea.i know i could be just plain oversensitive now.. but.. i wouldn't think this way of every guy..

And.. beside esprit at suntec, there's a wedding studio --ever bliss. was taking a break yesterday when i saw those lovely wedding gowns.. and those photos.. damn.. I feel like getting married!!! though, there's no one i dare to trust my lifetime happiness to now..

why why why

why must a guy with a gf habitually wank to porn?

why is that acceptable?

hormones? crap.

lust? must be.

pple say : as long as not literally making out with real girls, it's actually HARMLESS??!!

harmless?

yea.. i have talked about this before. I can never accept it.

Just don't want to find out the ugly truth.

i can't adapt to the society of people I am living amongst now.

Self righteousness? trying to be holy? talking about morals?

what about feelings?

feelings of hurt, inferiority complex, insecurity..

it's beyond my control.

going to bed.. in tears..

so silly of me..

i wish it doesn't bother me.

why must a guy, with a gf, habitually wank to porn? Why?

Sick of this world.

YaY! I have comments :O) Thank You Thank You.. :O)

I don't read many other blogs.. Let me count.. about 7 in all. I realised I tend not to leave comments in those popular blogs. When I see that they already have many comments, I would think that mine wouldn't make much of a difference, and thus not leave. I would assume that they wouldn't appreciate either, so might as well don't. I know my assumption could be wrong.

And... sometimes I get irritated and unhappy reading certain blogs, I jus decide to stop visiting them altogether.

Still wouldn't divulge my blog address to my friends. Who would have thought that I am such a weak and wicked character?
*****

Why are you guys against stripe and stripe? Sigh.. Maybe it really looks bad, dunno. Today, a man came in wearing checkered shirt with checkered pants :) HArdly any guys wear checkered pants over here in Singapore. :)

Pop over at Raoul again today. Love that shop. But too expensive for me to buy for JJ. I mean, buy one shirt, ok. But probably just one.... The design's great. But I wonder about the quality. I wouldn't think there is a strong positive correlation between price and quality.

I am tending the store alone tomorrow for half the day. Ermm.. Can they like stop cutting on such labour expenses? Iora, Ralph Lauren etcetc all have at least 4 people working at any one point of time, and they want me to work there alone. Not as if the store is the size of Raoul. Not as if I can serve more than one customer at one time. It takes a lot more time over at this store to serve one customer than the others. I shall not elaborate the details.

Unpleasant stuff happened today and I took quite a bit of time to get over it. Reckon that it wouldn't help blogging where I would be replaying the scenario in my mind again. So.. let it be.

*********
today.. two girls came over.. I found out that they were from the marketing department of the company. Can't help feeling bad. What the hell am I doing now? Why am I not like everyone else working 9am to 5pm in the office, clocking regular hours, enjoying regular pay increments and a more or less paved way to more material wealth.
*****

I want to wear skirts and dresses :(

Officially one week into the job. My sales is climbing... Thank God...

REading up more on men's fashion.. and getting a little confused now.

Customers always say that stripes cannot go with stripes. As in striped shirts cannot go with striped pants or striped ties etc..

They can go together.. so long as the spacing between the stripes and the width of the stripes differ as much as possible between the two pieces of clothing.

Though, no more than two pieces on your body should be of the same pattern, say stripes.

The above sounds boring. This is easy to understand though.

I am quite confused and don't always agree with what is being written on colour matching. I will just go by my "visual guts" (if there's such a term). And when I don't know what to say, just say "Not following the rules of fashion is a fashion statement in itself."

Love my job. But I can't stay for long. It's not rewarding enough. I won't work 6 days a week, often including public holidays and weekends, 9 hours a day.. Paid peanuts earning so much for the company. This is totally against my ideal way of living my life. No! I won't work so hard to make someone else's rich. NoNONONOno.

Though, my pay would definitely go up in considerable amounts in time to come if I stay... I am just not good employee material, or perhaps, I have been somehow self fulfilling this prophecy that I am not a good employee.

I can only go for lunch or dinner when I am allowed to. I must reach earlier for work, but always leave later. Even when it's way past my time to end work, I have to stay when crowds stream in. Wanting to leave on time to meet my bf is a crime. They don't want to employ more people and work the existing ones to death. I have no time to go to the dentist. I can't go on holidays. I have to put on makeup, worsening my complexion. Sometimes I have to lie to customers, cannot tell the truth. I like to recommend stuff that really suits the customers, but the others like to recommend everything that cannot be sold or are higher in price. You get the drift.. Feel like I am deprived of fundalmental human rights. Told ya, I make a bad employee.

If I made a mistake in payment related issues, I am in hot soup. Any little mistake is being scrutinized and penalised for, being the klutz and sometimes blur girl I am, this is bad.

Despite my grouses, I would say this job is good. I am clearer about what I want and not want. I learn a whole lot of stuff, how a retail outlet is run etc...Picked up important skills -- sales skills, people skills, skill of dressing up my boyfriend, skill of ironing and washing his clothes in future... hahaha.. that is if he's good to me, i will consider washing and ironing his clothes. out of point.

Isn't it what I always like to do -- sell stuff?

I still dream of being an entrepreneur.

Working with a SCorpion

I really like my job even though it's tough.. Even though I have to work 9 days nonstop and gets an off day only on a Monday. Hmm.. Picked up a lot of useful skills. See myself improving. Pleased..

But But But.. there's this colleague of mine who is really totally out to take advantage of me and sabotage me. I am very frightened..... I fear going to work when I have to try to make sure she doesn't do too much damage to my superiors' impression of me each day.. It's getting worse with each day.. SCarY loh...

She knows I am the kind that seem inconfident and meek. She knows I don't speak up when I get taken advantage of. She knows I am easily bullied. She knows how to pick on my weaknesses to make herself look better.. I tell you..she's a two headed snake. you know two headed snake?

Everytime she offers to help me, she is actually doing me more harm. She offered to help me key in my sales.. Very nice right? Nonono..She went to add her name and credit the sales to her. I sold $400 plus dollars of shirt and pants. She keyed in her name and took half of my sales. And, I was just too astounded and set into depression the entire noon and night. Why did she do that to me? I don't want to report this to the management people. But.. i need to protect myself, cos worse things are happening everyday. I don't want to have a bad relationship with my colleague cos I have to see her and work with her everyday.

She's.... 31 years old. I am turning 23. But both of us are at the same position. Big mouth me to spill my personal details that I am actually a Uni graduate. Nothing big deal to you all, cos most of u pple are Uni grads or better. But, she probably see me as a threat. Honestly, how can I be a threat to her? She's got years of experience that I don't have. I have only 6 days of experience. What's she scared of? Why is she trying to harm me?

JJ gave me a lot of advice during my short 5 days of work. Only 6 days... I don't really want to take all his advice.. but he was right when he told me right at the beginning that people are going to take advantage of me for sure. Bleah.. I don't want to be in a job when I have to be a mean bitch, malicious and unscrupulous. No.. I must deal with this with more level headedness and tact. :(

Working at Suntec. If you been reading, and you can be bothered, you will know where exactly I am working there. Me not pretty lah. But you can come take a look at my ScorpionY colleague. She's like a scorpion --her character. Though, what's the character of a scorpion huh? No, she's a two headed snake. Bad bad me.. I don't want to speak bad about her.. but :( I shall not describe how she looks like, because it will be very obvious who she is..... and it's a really mean thing to describe her too.. CAn complain right? I am not backstabbing righT? I am just lamenting about injustice suffered at work. **WAILS**

***
do you pple know Balaclava? VEry happening drinking place at the entrance of Suntec. Lotsa executive men and women dressed to kill there, people watching and be seen.. The girls there -- standard dressing.. Lotsa make up. Plunging necklines.. show as much boob as there is.. Wear skirts as short as possible. But wow.. yea. I must admit that I am jealous or envious of some of these girls. Cos they look totally babelicious!! If I were a man, I will be totally attracted to these babes. Wish I were as sexy and gorgeous and babelicious as well. But nonono.. I am just this Miss a-little-above-average. Yea.. I want to think myself as being a little above average.

If I were single.. I will definitely go hang out at that Balaclava.. There are even a considerable amount of people there on weekday nights.

Why are my legs so ugly.. Else.. I can wear those sexy short skirts or lovely dresses too.. :( Sick of wearing pants..

****

Will someone please save me from the ordeal of having to protect myself against my colleague all the time?

Today's episode of her shamelessly taking my sales credit kept on recurring in my mind since afternoon.. Terrible injustice.

****

I am compromising my sleep hours to blog... I wonder if anyone reads at all.. Brings me to the question.. Am I writing for people to read? Why do I want people to read my blog?

Should go bathe and sleep........... I wish there is a "favourites section" just like the online diary I used to keep at another website. I can post entries and set it to be read only by certain people on my favourites list. Then, I can reveal more about myself, without having to avoid details so as to avoid possible trouble..

not moaning about being jobless, at least.

I have decided not to read the blog of a particular someone anymore. She's so hypocritical and fake in many ways but yet guys still prefer to think that she's wonderful, nice, attractive.. Yea, I know the world works in this way -- the 'attractive' ones just get more privileges than the rest.

You must be thinking that .. I am just jealous that someone "attractive' is getting a lot of attention and special treatment while I am not. Hmm..I don't know about this jealous part. I am not keen in having guys flocked to me either. I only want ONE guy. Just one true guy. And I don't flirt, whether single or attached.

I don't want to comment too much on why I don't want to read her blog anymore. Else it will be too obvious and if she gets to know of it, she might not be happy. I think I should be nicer lah, huh...

****

I bought a blazer on discount earlier. Hee... at just a little over half a hundred. Cheapo hor? Whatever.. Looking to buy a black pleated skirt next.. It's some trend thingy. But, heck.. I shall just follow the trend once in a while.

Just before I knocked off from work today, a guy came in to buy 2 shirts over $400. It's actually over a hundred, but he's got 25% off.. Thank God loh!!! Else, my personal sales today would be pathetic. I am working mostly the day shift when there are just less people coming in to buy stuff.

My 'supervisor' gave me her $50 Charles and Keith vouchers to get new shoes, cos I have been having all sorts of problems. Aching toes, lower back, sole, knees and all.. TErrible.. I think I really need to get her some nice coffee tmr..

there's nothing I like from Charles and Keith.. So I just anyhow get two cheap pairs that have the most potential to give me lesser problems.

I just can't afford to be leading my past lavish lifestyle anymore. it's time to be financially independent..

My sales is so bad. Of course, there are many aspects to the job. More to come in future. But, right now, the sole measurement of my competence is my sales achievement. I can do all sorts of other stuff, but yet be branded as mediocre and risk getting discontinued as long as my sales is not robust enough.

Having been so tuned to the academia kind of Marketing, the kind of ideas I have usually have indirect impact on sales, rather than direct. Not forgetting profitability.

I wanna talk about the kind of customers I meet! Especially those couples...when the women have the final say to what their men can buy... Hilarious loh. There was one couple today. Her girlfriend has such awful taste.. gosh.. Unlike yours sincerely here. i am very proud of my taste and skill in dressing up my bf. AFter knowing me, his image has been changing positively, from his shirts to socks to slippers to underwear to highlighters to other stationery blahblah.. I didn't try to change him of course. He enjoys the attention and the things I do for him. On second thoughts, I should dress him as ugly as possible so that girls wouldn't leech to him.

Now, why issit that I can be a great fashion consultant to my bf and male frens, but just not my customers? I guess, the main reason is that I can be totally frank with the former, but not the latter.. There's a whole lot of need to be diplomatic, peppering sales pitches with euphemisms and flatteries.

I love the ties there!!!! Laozi, you mind bold floral prints with rough texture? Hiakzz.. For the metrosexual perhaps..

*****

My 23rd birthday is coming. Alright, onward into adulthood. Still feel like a kid. Cos people still treat me like a xiao3 mei4.

As birthday boys and girls usually do, they wish for presents. I wish for practical presents.

1. gentle eye makeup remover
2. smudge proof mascara
3. Blusher brush
4. A sophisticated hair accessory to do up my hair (no more scrunchies and rubberbands or clips)
5. pedicure voucher, best from hollywood secret or cityhall area (sponsor my first pedicure experience, kind Fren?)

The last one a little expensive...

6. paid visit to the dentist to remove my wisdom TEETH.. (I have at least two big ones... No money, no time to go pluck them off... die...)

howhowhow?? :*) Not too much right? All high in affordability. Ashy Ash? Are you reading this? Don't pretend hor?

I should know gone are the days when I receive piles of presents. Only when I was still in school. Only when I was still single, do such happen.

sings another lonesome lullaby

I should cut down on using the F*** word.

****

I feel empty...

I feel lonely..

I hate eating most of my meals all by myself.

My feet hurts.

I bought new sandals. But this new pair hurts me more than my old mules.

I am very tired.

I have to try to smile and sell even when I am sad and sleep deprived.

Work is supposed to be stressful.. But I am so down that I don't feel the stress. Lack of product knowledge, but have to hit $10,000 Singapore dollars by the end of this month.

Today is my second day of work. I finally sold 4 pairs of pants. After discount, my sales is only $316.80. But, a senior felt that she put in quite a bit of effort in these customers too. So, she is claiming credit for half this amount. How come she didn't give me half her sales when I helped her with "her customers"? I need to minimise this greatly.

My colleagues are all female. Supposed to wear a blazer. But I refused to spend over a hundred dollars for one when I doubt I can earn much this month.

I bumped into my mother today during lunch time. She only know today that I am working. She asked me to quit soon.

I won't quit lah. She kept harping on how a University graduate cannot do this sort of jobs. She wants me to teach or work in a bank. First, I am not a salesgirl though my work now seems like I am . Then, I think my company provides very very good sales training. Got lotsa tactics you know? haha.. Eh, I am laughing.. I aspire to sell like the rest of my colleagues. Sales is a very useful and money making skill to develop.

I need to go research on men's fashion later.. MEN's Fashion.. Gosh.. And those French names. I can't articulate them well. Anyone wants shirts and ties? I can get 50% discount. :) But, you would still have to pay quite a bit after the discount. DKNY tie -- $119. Trussadi tie -- $139 blahblah.. The shirts are almost $300 each.

Right now, I have been only taught men's pants and a little on ties, which are the cheaper items, so cannot chalk up much sales. I need to learn the high ticket items soon..

Seriously..I can't really tell which pants go well with which shirt.. or which tie goes well with who shirt etc.. I can't match with taste!!! Needta learn man..

I just succeeded in distracting me from my emptiness for a while, blogging.

EArlier, my fren met me for dinner because I was lonely again. I feel bad that I am asking my fren to eat with me because I am lonely... He knows i am lonely, so he offered to eat with me. When he passed by my work place today, he called me to offer to eat lunch with me too. That's cos he knows I am very lonely and been very insecure.

The last time I broke up with my ex bf, I was so depressed and lonely that I asked a fren out every night after work. I wouldn't go home until it's near midnight when i have to sleep for tmr's work. I just need noise and pple there to distract me from my emptiness and loneliness. When with my frens, I can forget about my problem. I would be smiling and laughing.. But the moment they leave me for the night... loneliness creeps in again..

There's a stigma attached to fearing loneliness..

when you eat, shop, stay at home and all all by yourself too much.. you might start to feel lonely..

i am so damn pathetic. Issit affordable to see a psychiatrist? I hate the way my brains are wired.

if u love me, u shouldn't have gone after me.

if u love me, u shouldn't tell me that i mean the universe to u.

if u love me, u shouldn't trick me into becoming your gf.

if u love me, u should have warned me of what i have to suffer being your gf.

if u love me, u should try to lessen my suffering all this while and now.

we are worlds apart, why did we get together?

u dun love me as much as i love u.

****

i can't respect her.

i can't respect her when she thinks she's very pretty because a lot of guys give her attention.

i can't respect her because she has to be involved with another married man with wife and kids, for years.

i can't respect her because she speaks ill of me, and finds so many faults with me.

i can't respect her because she wants both another woman's husband and her son to accompany her as much as possible.

I can't respect her because she is one huge obstacle to me seeing more of her damn son.

I can't meet more of my bf because of her. What the fuck.

I wish she would vanish soon. soon. soon.

I hate her so much. I tried to be nice... but it has been too much.

I want to get out of the relationship.. but I can't bear to give up the 5 months together. I will be so devastated, falling into an abyss of dispair everyday. i would fear loneliness and make sure there will be someone with me every single day, at all times, till I doze off in fatigue.. I put in so much into this relationship.. i don't want to waste it all.. and i hate changing bfs..

God would be mad at me for hating the mother. god would be mad at me for not forgiving her sins against me.. it's beyond my own means to love or respect such a woman. I just want to run away from her and have as little to do with her as possible. EScapism.. not working.

it's not easy.....

Let me SCREAM....

It's so tough..so stressful.. because it's totally not Me.

Today is the first day of work.

I slept less than 2 hours because I could't sleep that I got up to read old textbooks in the middle of the night, hoping it will put me to sleep.

So..when I don't have enough sleep, I tend to be very very clumsy with little concentration and agility.

My company deals with high end Men's fashion. MEn leh... How boring... and very tough too. I have to start from scratch, familiarise myself with the pants, shirts, ties, cufflinks, coats and what not. I was so so so clumsy handling the pants today. Fumbling with everything..Was told time and again, that every thing I do, I must look good doing it. I was told to put on contact lens and more make up. Eh? Give me grooming allowance, I would consider.

And I was told that my personal sales target per month for now... is .....

Make a guess....



>$20,000

gimme a shock. My job is not a sales coordinator or sales girl whatever.. But, ya, everyone in the company must learn to make sales. This company has so many outlets and different brands and my target is supposed to be one of the lowest.. can u imagine how much revenue they are bringing in every month...? Though..I wonder why leh.. Cos the workmanship of the pants isn't that fantastic. G2000 could beat them..

The shirts and ties look good. But very expensive lah. Staff discount won't help either.

Today.. I have to do all the things that I have never done before or had the courage to do. But ya.. I cannot be mediocre.. Tmr must buck up.

Where can I get female long sleeve collared shirts at $20 each huh? My clothes have always tend to be more colourful.. Now I have to clad in black, white etc.. So, I bascially only have two pairs of black pants and two suitable shirts... Okie, I will permutate these 4 pieces of clothing everyday for weeks.. Very poor... Oh.. and two pairs of suitable footwear. Gosh, I have never been out of clothes this much before.. Doubt i have much chance for all my casual girly clothing anymore..

Black silky shiny Pants from GG>>5 -- despite not wanting to wear a brand that is popular, I jsut couldn't resist their designs.. $73.. Find it expensive. Then anyhow bought a pair of lower heeled black sandals --cheapcheap from Charles and Keith after work today. The mules I wore were literally crushing the bones of toes, hurting my knees and back..

Not that keen in wearing contact lens, more makeup or a blazer.. cos they are not subsidising at all. Some companies do you know?????

I'm stressed lah.. It's 1am...

I just came back not long ago..After work, went buy shoes, then went MArina South for steamboat. Haven't been there for ages. Gosh. that place is so chaotic that I don't have the mood to eat.... Do you know that there are free shuttle buses from the individual steamboat operators? Hiakz..I toook the mini van.. It was a total thriller ride!! That uncle was making all the sharp turns and u turns, that everytime he made a turn, everyone in the van screamed and laughed.. haha.. thriller ride lah..


Oh.. that stupid popping butter from the steamboat bbq splat all over my shirt, face and arms.. My new shirt leh.. I hope the oil stains can be cleaned off... Else, I will only be left with one shirt.... one shirt leh..how can?

Any kind souls, wanna donate shirts to me? $$$ even better. :p

No time to sleep still go eat steamboat, play and blog... Yea.I am this ill-disciplined since always..

Now..tmr I don't want to receive "you are not good," words and stares.

I'm going to learn so much about men's corporate wear.. Funny.. haha
I have a report to write before I sleep...I want to zzZZZzzz.. 2 days sleep a total of only 8 hours. :( Grouchy girl when robbed of sleep.

Success doesn't come, unless with substantial trade off... I must pull up my socks tmr. Not to be looked down upon...

My grade for General Paper (GP) is C6. That was when I was 18 years old, which is almost 5 years ago.

But, every now and then, even till now, throughout these years, I feel stigmatised by that darn C6. I think you can get the picture. XXXX would ask me what i get for GP. When I said C6, they will go "Oh..." And that "Oh..." simply means "huh, so lousy? your english must be lousy."

FUMEFUMEFUME

Firstly, it was a one time incident that I obtained a mediocre grade for an English subject.

Then, people are assuming that my English standard stays C6 level for life, like now for instance.

And, please, whoever is reading this, don't judge my standard of English by what I write in my blog.

I'm not at A1 or A2 when it comes to English. But definitely a B3 at least. Even now.

When I was in school, I sometimes do the overall editing of my project reports. Why? Because, my english is better than the rest those in my respective groups.. And, certainly, one doesn't have to use cheem vocab or nonstop puns and other figurative words right?

My style --Simple. Comprehensive. Proper grammar. Apt and Heavy use of jargon when doing reports. Not those flamboyant style.

Anyway, my friends are usually shocked when I quoted C6 for GP. Because, I am not!!! But I am still suffering consequences for that one time failure.

Well, when someone asks for my GP grade now, I will say "C6. but I am a lot better than that."

******

I haven't told my family that I would be starting work. A couple of friends have asked about it.. Getting sian of explaining to people. Singapore is so so so small.. that I can't do whatever I like with my life, without being affected by judgements and comments.

JJ's chipping in a little for me to buy clothes.

I wish I have a bf that doesn't look at attractive girls on the streets. I wish I have a bf who is oblivious to other girls. I wish I have a bf who pays more attention to me. I think I should pray instead of wish.

my first step...

There is a change in my plans again...

I don't fancy working in town area... cos I am always bumping into friends!

But tentatively, I would be doing that for groundwork training. I said tentatively because I am cynical about what the lady had been telling me with regards to the prospects.. the potential and all.. I wish I wouldn't be this cynical and can genuinely love everyone I meet.. Guess after working for sometime and knowing how evil people can be.. I am now more sensitive.

I can really start branding my income as my "Hard earned money" cos it is really hard to earn.

i finally took that rough path

Guess what..I am going to work tomorrow. Not the kind of work I have been interviewing for. But I am going to do it. Because, finally someone thinks I am good enough.

By the way, I had to convince her to let me work... I only quoted A levels as my highest qualification, which is quite impossible if she thinks and looks harder at the details I gave her.. She asked me to apply for a higher position, but I flatly declined.. JJ's going to flip when I break the news to him later...

Anyway, I have to remind myself and take care not to behave as if I am too smart or something. Cos women are very very sensitive and my direct superior is female. Don't underestimate the works of female jealousy....

Once when I was working during the holidays at a law firm doing admin work, the secretary (only fulltime staff other than the boss) hated me and gave me a hard time..because she was quite overweight... and I am not. You would see her poring through cookery books for people on diets. You would hear her criticising my eating habits and dressing everyday...

There was this other time when someone was very against my age..cos she is 30 plus... Huhhh?? EVery word she says is thorny and a lot of it revolves around age.. AGe discrimination. She could be sued for this in other angmo countries. But pple in Singapore just don't do this..

ETcetc lah..but I still have a few more interviews I am supposed to go to.. I don't want to go anymore. I am not applying anymore. I don't care. I need a starting point, and albeit an unglamourous one, I will live. It's part of my back up plans actually..

I am so tired.. I stayed up chatting with my sister till 6am. We were chatting on new businesses my mother should go into. My mom has some crap ideas.. Let me quote you one -- Massage plus hair saloon. Massage done by non singaporean women. What total crap is this.. She got reprimanded by us like anything.. but she isn't listening.. But she won't be running this massage and hair salon business. Her idea is just to rent the place near her workplace and subrent it to others at higher rent. She would take commission for introducing her customers there too. I think..she will only create more social problems which will lead to more headaches and stress to herself....

My sister and I talked about what we could do together too, cos she's graduating and we both are lousy employee material.

Anyway.. when I came home just now.. my dad call me. I didn't call him at all. Oops..And he asked me what I want to eat so that he can go buy for me... I didn't even say I am hungry... And he's paying for my handphone bills --3 months leh. hee.. but not that expensive becos I am becoming a scrooge when it comes to handphone usage. And..he's still giving me allowance.. Sigh..I am spending a big part of his monthly pay away... Which he never complains about.. Aiyah..my dad is so nice to me... thank god..

there's also other members in my family...all very good to me.. they are just increasingly better..
mom, granny, sis, aunties, cousins.... all so nice.. touched.... <--- it's got nothing to do with my job search.

*******

by the way.. when pple leave comments in my blog.. I don't "reply to " their comments under the same section in the same entry ..get what i mean? it's like when I leave a comment at your blog, u will leave another comment in reply to mine in the same entry.. but i dun do that..

i am jsut wondering..if pple even go check back for my replies... so i dun reply..and if i need to, i will go to your blog to do so instead.... just incase, anyone thinks I dun appreciate comments left for me.. which don't? every one who blogs hope to see comments right?

and.. silly me..forgot that some frens of mine reading my blog. becos they don't tag, I don't even remember that they read.. So..everyday i just write as if nobody I know will read my blog. which is bad... becos not all things are meant for their knowledge...

now.. i refuse to give any other fren my blog.. I want to have more freedom in writing here.. Already, I have to censor quite a bit of details that I would have wish to share....

zzZZzzz...

Fear...One day I will be so jaded...

I'm scared...really scared...

Just read a friend's online diary...She disappeared for sometime and came back with an entry saying how her husband cheated on her, went on a 4months vacation with a girl..

That girl was her husband's friend. I really feel for her..She chose to believe that he didn't do anything with her. But ya.. 4 months together, sleeping in the same hotel room, went Japan, USA and dunno where else together --very funny. I am not buying what that jerk said. But..it's so hard to leave him. I can really understand... :(

Just how many times have I come across men cheating on their girls??? Love?? My foot! True love? My foot! I know girls do cheat on their guys too... but bah.. comparatively lesser lah.

This is super super disturbing.

I never have faith in relationships and marriages I tell you... True, there must be men who wil be absolutely faithful to their partners. But this is a rare rare breed. And I just won't be that lucky to meet such a guy.

And ya, I always think JJ is one of such guys who wouldn't be able to resist girl temptation. Aarghh..I am very sad.... And I am crying.. EVen though such an unfortunate thing has not happened yet, as far as I know. But it's bound to happen, bound to happen!!! And, I might or might not get to find out, because ignorance is bliss.. and I sometimes prefer to be ignorant and not go find out..

JJ's a horny guy drawn to big-boob girls and girls who are rich and capable. <----EVerything I am not. Sure, he loves me now.. but, how much would he sacrifice for me? If a girl throws herself at him, would he not succumb to the temptation? Would he spare a thought for me? Yes he would, but not after he's done with fucking her. I so understand human nature. It's so ugly. And bloody hell. Girls throw themselves at him every now and then.

And he blames me for not trusting him. He calls me childish. He says that his friends would definitely not doubt that he would be a very faithful bf. Very funny. Friends don't always get to know everything. Yup. i am a cynic when it comes to men. But I also think that I am being plain realistic. Well, after lying to me before, it will be very tough for him to regain my trust. Anyway, from time to time, he reveals the negative side of his character. He's the sort who would backstab his colleagues. He's the sort who would be sycophantic to pple who he can make use of. He's the sort that would lie to save himself trouble.

I am so disappointed with this wanton world... I am terrified.. I think I want to be a bachelorette for life.. but I just can't live without a partner, without someone there for me, without someone being exceptionally good to me and dote on me.. Pathetic... IT's a huge risk to love someone, not blood related to you.

Okie..I won't say I always feel this insecure. I had a bf once that I really trust and can see a lasting marriage together. But he belongs to the rare breed that I don't have luck to meet anymore. And JJ is just not someone I should trust. I am a very good judge of my bfs' characters... I am a cynic.. but I am just being realistic.

Can something good happen to me for a change???

Will true love come to me?

Can he be my last boyfren... because I hate changes... God, can you please change him?

What was sex invented for? For procreation and pleasure btw husbands and wives. But it's so being abused now... And like many of us.. I might be able to take my partner's momentary attraction to another girl. But I just can't take it if there is physical intimacy involved. Reminds me of the movie "CLoser" Well, it's just reflecting what's happening in the society now.

Oh here I am fuming about something that hasn't taken place.. fuming about the possibility that something unfortunate would take place, just a matter of time.

Can another good guy just appear? I am plagued with insecurities..and I am writing with so much vehemence and vulgarities...

Tell me.. life can still be beautiful, even though guys will cheat... Tell me that I am just being plain paranoid, even though I am just being realistic....

I should just enjoy the relationship as it is now and when something bad happens, take it that my time of enjoyment is up. Or am I jsut wasting my time on a guy that's going to hurt me bad one day when he's attracted to another? What's so good about being with him? Especially when his mom is so mean to me and he's not helping me at all. The two of them think that they are born with good looks and they rule.

:( Can something good just happen to me? Nothing's good happened to me for a long long time..

Okie..count my blessings...
1. I met a good old fren today.
2. I met my primary school frens, and I am happy.
3. my mother loves me
4. my daddy loves me
5. My sister loves me
6. My aunty loves me...
7. my granny loves me..
8. I don't have disabilities
9. My complexion is improving
10....

Not too much to ask for a job I love doing and a boyfriend who truly loves me and would never bear to hurt me right?

Wish for a miracle.....

I pray for true love to be contagious, especially between couples.
I pray for integrity in our human race
I pray for every guy and girl to be able to resist tempation of any hankypanky with third parties. Don't put yourself up to the test of temptation, for human beings are weak. Just avoid being in contact with them.

i can't tarhan her anymore

I went to the gym today. I paid to go the gym at a community center near my friend's house, so that I can get to meet her. Seldom meet her, very happy to see this old mate of mine.

What's the big deal with paying 2 bucks to CC gym, u might wonder? Cos there's a gym and pool at my house that I hardly utilise, but i went all the way to her place to do it. Bah, I'm such a showoff hor? Make myself sound so wei3 da4..

I was such a ... ermm... I can't call myself a bimbo, cos I am not very pretty or brainless... I was such a .. hmm can't think of a term but anyway, I was behaving like I cannot run, cannot do crunches, cannot lift anything heavy etc..Ya, and I am so gonna get an outbreak on my face for leaving my make up on during the workout. I just don't feel comfortable with a bare face.

yea.. and so my friend screamed at me, " You were an athlete leh" Well, not anymore. But, ya, I know I am not trying hard enough and just being plain gu2 niang1 <--- Hokkien term for being very demure, dainty, girly, lalala..

***

After that, I went to eat prata.. Prata leh! I merely jogged for say 10 minutes and walked the rest of the time and I went to eat prata. And...my pot is now boiling with my supper. My appetite is always enormous after any little exercise.

So, I chatted with my dear friend. There's just so much things I want to talk to her about. I tried to when we were on the treadmill, but hahahaa, cannot catch breath..

And we came to the usual topic of our common fren --- Miss-she's-the-center-of-the-Universe. She's the one with the looks. She's a head turner. She's the one lotsa guys fight over. She's interested in many many guys. She's always whining about her problems. She doesn't want to listen to her friends. Her problems are real problems but her friends' problems are not real problems. Her life is very interesting because all guys and girls are total sychophants to her. Ohh..I just learnt today that she would make out with her boyfriend in front of her single female friends. Thank God, I didn't get to witness that..

She's the one I mentioned in my previous entry would keep whining about how she feel bad about not getting a job when she is still graduating and I am the one who's got the serious problem. You can't imagine how incessant her whines can go.. I am a girl, not a guy.. GEt one of those admirers to listen to you, not me. I have provided enough practical advice and help. That's it. Ermm..i can go on about how she has contributed NEGATively to my life. But, I feel guilty complaining about her. Cos, there were positive contributions as well.. I would say, the positive parts just cannot make up for the negative parts...

My friend noted that I always seem very apologetic each time I complain about this Miss pretty-but lousy friend. Ya I do.. I am not the only one who drifted away from her, who don't want to have anything to do with her.. She found many of her friends drifting away from her and lament about how no real friendships exist as we get older. That's cos nobody can stand her, that's why. Only her admirers can stand her lah. Another thing, boyfriends and other guyfrens of ours are often attracted to her looks. Wow, she's so successful huh? Her life is so colourful and meaningful huh? Guys who don't go gaga over her would really impress me. But who cares about impressing me. Impressing her instead is more important huh..Kenasai..

But, it's really difficult drifting away from her... She's a friend of many years. What can I do when she smses me, messages me and asks me to go out? How many times can I refuse? My other friends have succeeded in drifting away from her... I am wondering if I should..

Okie..I wanted to blog about other stuff... Friendship established through blogs? The stark existence of female jealousy? Aiyah..I should just go take my supper..

By the way.. everyday, I think of all sorts of nonsense..So today, I smsed JJ, "I am going to cancel all my interviews for this week. I have decided I want to be a salesgirl. Would you mind having a salesgirl as your girlfriend?"

He said the usual don't be silly, I won't look down on you. because in my eyes, you are the sophisticated one.

sophisticated? hiakzz.. lack of vocab or what? of cos, I secretly hope it's true and not just something to placate me.

and so it is..

When I was in primary school, it was the norm to want to go into a good secondary school. So, I went to the best secondary school my grades could get me to. Girls' School. :)

When I was in secondary school, it was the norm to want to go to a Junior College. A Poly was disdained upon. So, i went to a Junior College.. Not the best I could get into, but ya, I had a crush on this guy there in the JC, so didn't want to leave....

When I was in JC, the next step is definitely the University..So, went University.. No courage to take any alternative routes..

And now after Uni, people go on to become PMEBs, and so I have been looking for some silly executive job. I don't mind just being some retail associate -euphemism for salesgirl. But Singapore is so so so small that I am bound to meet people I know everyday. It's like, you just can't be a graduate and be a sales girl after that.. Ya, I am chickening out of the tough private sector. Why spend everyday of my life from now being challenged and stressed this way.. Ignore me..I have different thoughts everyday....

No more a student. No more shelter.

I am positive I would not go for Masters Studies. The way JJ struggles with his work and studies scares me.. The most short diploma and certificate courses.

Lazy to think...

****

When it comes to guys, friendships between two girls can easily be broken...Fine..I will try to understand that.

***

And it's so strange how a primary schoolmate tried to tell me about how he has no chances with his latest crush anymore. It's strange.. cos when we were in secondary school, he used to have a crush on me till we went JC, till I was attached to my first boyfren. From what I know, after me, he continued to have crushes on other girls and till now, he still holds a record of zero girlfriend. He's nice! I can trust him. He's intelligent! But..He talks about himself too much, and not listen to me much. -- Penalizing himself... He would tell me how many pumpings he did each day. How much weights he lifted.. how long a distance he ran.. yea.. spare me.. that's like telling me about soccer.. Most girls like to have more attention and like guys to listen to them...

***

It's 2am..JJ's going to scold me again tmr if I sleep at 6am again... :p Sleep at daybreak and wake up in the late afternoon -- my usual routine except on days when I have appointments. Nowadays, I am walling myself up to my friends... I would only meet people and friends who will have a positive contribution to my life now.

For instance, I have a female friend that I have known for donkey years. Well, she is currently still studying, not graduated yet, but started looking for a job. And she kept on telling me how she needed encouragement, kept on whining about how she cannot get a job. To this.. I really feel like swearing. I am the one who has graduated for 3.5 months and yet to find employment, and yet instead of ever encouraging me, she just want me to listen to her whines and encourage her. Sorry, I am not selfless. I have been quite a good friend thus far. But yup, not now when I am most sensitive. So, I blatantly told her that I am in an anti-social mode and don't want to talk to anyone.

lotsa room for improvement

IT's 4am..Gosh..

I stayed up so late.. Cos I was talking to a friend. HE was asking me about my job search. Very helpful.

Later part of the conversation was.. *Cringe**

I told him that I am thinking of ideas of how a particular business can improve. Ok..Since not many people read my blog, I shall reveal my little secret -- it's for Duck and Hippo Tours. Ssshhhh... My deadline -- coming Monday.

Whatever ideas I gave, he shot back, sometimes in a very demeaning way. None of the things I said was intelligent to him. In fact sometimes I was laughed at. Gosh. He concluded that whatever I have proposed isn't impressive. I know what he must be thinking. He's a poly graduate while I am already a university graduate, and yet my brains are less developed than his. By the way, both of us were from the same primary school, same class for two years. Hmm... I would like to protest against this....

But, first of all, I just started brainstorming! Give me a bit more time, and I would have better and a more coherent plan. Then, I didn't even tell him every bit of my ideas. We were on msn, how much can I explain? I was rather astounded. I guess, people often agree with me making me think that I am right.

for instance, when I told JJ the same ideas, he agreed with most of them. JJ never ever agrees with me just because he wants to make me happy. In fact, we are often discussing and arguing about a lot of issues we see around us, his schoolwork and all. Since people often agree with what I say, I gather that I am right about most issues...Oh.. JJ once said that I always talk like I am right about everything. Oooops.......

Guess I was just wrong about myself. Okie..I shouldn't take his remarks that seriously. But, I should constantly seek improvement in myself... I should look at this in another way. I just have lots of room for improvement.
***

6 more days and the report would be out. I hope the truth would be bearable enough to live with...I hope Miss J won't try to force the truth out of me later on in church..Was so frightened that I stayed up every night till daybreak worrying. But this couple of days, my mind started to preoccupy with job search again.

an odd side effect

I had gastric today. No, I did not skip any meals. And I hardly get gastric..But one minute after I wake up..Strange, but when I was still blur jsut awoken in the morning.. I had a gastric attack. The pain was so unbearable I couldn't sit and eat the noodles at the kopitiam. As I was walking to the Chinese medical hall to get medicine, I was seeing black spots.

The gastric pills were really effective. I recall eating different brands before. Weird Made in singapore brands from chinese medicinal halls and western ones from Guardian. All are effective. A few minutes after taking the medicine, the pain subsides considerably.

I didn't want to blog about my gastric.. I want to blog about how puzzling it has been that after medicine and some sleep, i developed an insatiable appetite and devoured a great deal after that. Weird....

didn't want to stay at home too much. went orchard for a while.. am i bored of orchard or what...

*****

Initially planned to go for HSBC and Prudential's talks..but too weak to go, informed the organisers that I couldn't make it...

I need a starting point.....see how desperate I get..

*****

and I just criticise, sorta criticise someone in a blog earlier. yup, I know it was just too kaypo of me to do so and totally undiplomatic, because she is someone very well liked by all, especially guys. she can go delete my comments away lah.

Among my messy table. I don't think I have ever studied at my 'study table' ever before. STudy at my bed..No..I am not a fan of Pooh Bear and Frens, even though you would see a lot of such stuff among my belongings.

Another surprise for me. The first bouquet had a theme of purple. This second one is pink.I need to learn to carry the flowers on the streets without feeling too concious... or rather, embarrassed. Though, it's quite a visual treat at home in my room.

what guys want in a woman

this article is adapted from Female magazine --the current issue with phyllis quek on the cover.

Female says A woman is most gorgeous when..
she has not makeup on, wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and sneakers, with hair up in a ponytail.
I seriously don't think a woman is most gorgoeous this way. A woman looks best when she has on make up (provided she has good make up skills). A woman tends to look good when she dresses up for functions, for wedding, in formal work attire, in a floral dress...Okie, it all depends lah. Perhaps, the key is changing image now and then, or alternating between the few styles.

Female says The sexiest thing about a woman is her brain. A man may be initially drawn to your physical assets, but he'll stick around when there's a sexy smart mind to go with them.
Ya, he may find your brain sexy. At the same time, he also finds Miss X's boobs and Miss Y's legs sexy.

Female says the sound a woman makes he adores most is her laughter..

Female says guys love falling asleep in the girls' laps..because it brings out that nurturing side of the girls. STroke his head, kiss his forehead, stroke his hair.. And sometimes, he would sulk to you about his bad day and that he's sick, looking for comfort from you. Actually, half the time, he's pretending just so he can enjoy the special treatment longer.
Eh...sounds familiar..where is JJ now?

Lazy to type the rest.. :P

******

I haven't been applying for jobs for the past few days!!! DAmn me.

And...I am so bored at home. Ya.. JJ very very busy. He's always very very busy. And I happen to be so so so free now.

i shall go.... collect photos, go library borrow books, and perhaps pop by a church.. I shall look out for churches with weekday services. Cos I always cannot wake up on Sunday mornings.

the language of love

I think the advent of indirect communication such as sms, msn, icq etc, has led to many of us becoming poor communicators in real life.

To Mr **,
What I need is your physical presence with me when I am really down. Stop those cliche smses. They were once effective for a while, but not anymore.

***

I am wondering how I can show concern for my dear ones when they are unhappy.

What is your love language?
-physical touch?
-words of comfort?
-gifts?
-emails? smses?
-quality time?
-favours?

************

I told a lie today. And it's affecting me quite a bit because I always try to make it a point not to lie. I am such a hypocrite today.

*****

Went KTV. Some songs just make me want to cry. You know the song sang by Zhou yuming (F4) and the elder of ASOS. The song is so sad...

Ermm.. I want to say that....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.I LOVE MY VOICE

*******

Anyway, I realised that the singing really lifted up my mood. I was really enjoying myself, albeit on the brink of tears from time to time. Yea. I am still frightened about whatever's happening to my body.

*******
Perhaps, someone once set a benchmark of what love should be like, a benchmark so high that everyone else's pale in comparison... Perhaps, that was the ideal situation, but it isn't going to happen again.

Isn't it a very basic thing a bf or gf should do -- be there for each other, see each other through their joy and sorrows?

I just realised...

The joy of meeting up with those folks (primary school mates) has spilled over to today. :) the next time I meet them, I would bring those photos we took in the past.

Primary school gathering
I love my friends. What did we talk about? We were concerned about each other's stage of life, be it studies or career path. We were concerned about each other's family members and the rest of our friends who weren't present. We don't gossip about anyone.

Secondary School gathering
What would we be talking about? Shopping. Each other's pressures.

Junior College Gathering
And what would I talk to these friends of mine from JC? Who's go the Branded bags and branded watches. Who's rich. Who's chio? Who's driving? Who's got a job very quickly? Who's got a high pay? And among this lot of people, backstabbing and gossips. How wonderful.

The colours of the headings were those of my school uniform respectively. I should really care less those from my JC --superficial materialistic bunch that spreads malicious gossips.

primary school gathering

It was so cute..

We were the cream of the crop back in our primary school.

The turn up was rather impressive. 10 out of 35. Hee. Cos a lot of them were not called up. We are trying to get as many contacts as possible from now till the next time we meet.

For some part of the time, I was rather unhappy. Some of my friends just went on excelling in their lives..Work at MAS, Citibank and all.. I held a slacker's attitude all the way throughout my studies, and thus my predicament now.Smsed JJ that I didn't feel good about myself amongst my high flyer friends. He said that I would be one of them soon and that he had faith in me. Well, this is the first time he ever said anything like this. Perhaps he's just yielding to my complaints.

AFter dining, I suggested ktv. :) But both ktvs were way too expensive tonight. I was rather disappointed.. Then I suggested bowling. Haha.. I am so so so surprised that whatever I suggested, they welcomed. bowling leh??!!! haha.. I just went -- I am kidding. So we went to a cafe to continue chatting.

We are so happy with the meet up today. They went to start yahoo group, add each other to friendster and msn.. Hee

It's 3.20am now. We all got home about 1am. And one of my friends is trying to help me in my job search by giving me websites. Actually, I have a whole list of such job search websites. He is also counselling me asking me not to be discouraged. My goodness loh!!! I was never closed to him. Here my primary school friend trying to encourage me.. Gosh, I thank God for him. Hee..I am so emotional. But I feel touched.

Very touched by tonight. It's so good knowing that we will all be closer from now on.

***

I just popped 4 pills. 2 more pills to go.. ***sobz*** Drank so much water to swallow the pills. How am I going to sleep... I want to go church tomorrow leh..

***

My primary school friends, they were exchanging blog addresses too. But, I didn't give them mine. Not going to. It's too personal.

When will Satin be that lovely girl she once was again. I hope I would be given a chance.

I was all getting ready to go.. and she called to postpone the interview. I hope they are not going to postpone indefinitely.. Cos, I sorta prepared myself and don't want my preparations to go to waste.

That pic below.. i just realised.... one nostril is a lot bigger than the other. :) what an ugly sight. And my hair is not at all black in real life. yadayadayda.. Cos I used one of the photoshop filters on the photo.

I am mad, I tell you.. Recently, I keep paying attention to other girls' hair, especially those black glossy ones. I want to rebond my hair and dye it black.... But I shouldn't splurge on my hair like this, not at this time.

Laozi, that wasn't the new interview get up I bought recently. What's in the pic is a baby blue, short sleeved satin shirt which isn't formal. But I did wear it to a couple of interviews before. Thought theming it with a formal skirt would be fine. Am I discounting myself that way again? Singapore hot mah...

Tmr is the ..... 7th interview. I am so so so not wanted.

I Must remember
1. SMILE
2. Be very humble
3. Don't look arrogant
4. SMile
5. SMile
6. SmilE

1st Interview -- I still feel cheated. That guy was talking to me like he's going to employ me for sure. After a couple of weeks, called them to ask if they had the second round of interview, was told not yet. I don't know what's wrong. But I just take it that it's over.

2nd Interview -- 2 nice ladies. Guess I was just not good enough competing with experienced others

3rd Interview -- Bitchy Interviewer who had something against my age. Told me that she has a lot of people to choose from.

4th Interview -- she scared me off with the work hours. She said to sms her if I wanted the job. I didn't sms her.

5th Interview -- Slim chance. She wanted someone who could drive. And by now, I think I have zero chance. Time to go for my basic theory for driving.

6th Interview -- even slimmer...because he was obviously biased against SMU. He was all sarcastic..Told me that there are over 200 applicants for that one position. Oki.

7th Interview -- ?? LEt me prophesize.. Bah.. I leave it to fate to God.. But, I need to prepare more, cos I haven't been preparing much for the previous.

I am so experienced with interviews..Gosh.. What good is this? Not learning much from my past experiences, I must be.

Still a little hesitant as to whether I want to continue sending out more applications, because I don't feel like going for interviews begging for jobs anymore. I have stopped sending.

I know it's very sian and whiney of me to go on and on about my job search everyday. I am trying to remind myself not to talk about it to my friends, and even JJ.

And since I don't blog to entertain.. You will just get boring reads.. PAiseh. :) You don't have to read my whines.

By the way, I am in a dilemma as to whether I should go for my graduation ceremony in July. I didn't get honours. I think I will just be disgracing myself by going there. There is no honour of receiving my certificate on stage in the no-honours -normal-degree category. But my mommy wants to attend my ceremony.. Sigh.. How man..

i think i am happier today

.. I actually bought a white shirt and a pair of checkered pants from G2000 (a brand I have been disdaining) earlier. Sounds like a boring get-up? My mother was seriously doubting my taste.

The sales assistants at G2000 taka branch were so pleasant and helpful, that I decided to buy there and then. Costing me over a hundred bucks -- a lot for an unemployed with depleted savings. They were like, asking me to try, give me comments on which look better on me. How helpful. I didn't even ask. I wasn't that pleased with the image I saw in the mirror, but well, was too sick of shopping to go scout for alternatives.

Went to look for my mother... And we started discussing what I should do with this new phase of my life...Concluded that I should still go experience working life first. Ya lah, that is if I am employed anytime soon. This is the last month I am giving myself. Would be the last straw if I still don't get a decent job end of this month.

Tell you a secret.... I applied for the position of Sales Associate for Louis Vuitton! Hiakz.. Guess what, their minimum requirement is actually a degree and no less. Hmm.. I don't mind working for fun. But, yea, retail hours are no fun.

And my mom and her friend insisted on going to eat crabs at Macpherson at an unearthly hour of midnight.. Those crabs were HUGE and I had 4 huge servings, adding another layer of lard at my waist. It's 3.40am... Sleepy...But I was glad talking to them about my problem. Talk to JJ is better than not talking at all.

Earlier was chatting with a friend on msn. He said that his mother liked me the first time she saw me. She actually offered an admin job at her workplace to me -$2000 per month one year contract. Well.. I have to think for the long term and turned it down. Anyway, I was kinda surprised and told him that JJ's mother dislikes me.

These days been sweltering that I have to switch on the aircon.. My hair.. My face.. so dry.. Yea, my facial skin is peeling, that's how dry it is.

**I want to be a happy girl again. **** Think Positive, dumb girl!

Ohohoh... One more thing.. I was reading the marketing magazine..and I came across a familiar face. Gosh! It's Mr L from church!! Gosh, he's the director of A.S. Louken. He was commenting on Cocacola's declining growth rate. This is so incredible. Can't judge a person by his appearance --very very true for him. All these years, he's been just so quiet, humble and reserved and all.. My idol lah he... But I am not close to him, we only recognise each other's face. Yes..the thought that I can get into A.S. Louken through him did cross my mind. I would very much like to work at this company. But... I don't like to ask favours from people, just like I don't like to borrow things from people. I don't like to owe people anything. I don't like to depend on people.. And A.S. louken recruits only honours students. Irritating. If I have honours, I won't need anyone's help liao loh.

Goodnite, dear friends..

what shall i wear huh

Interview again tomorrow. And it's the **GAsP*** 5th one already.

JJ bugging me to buy the bright yellow shirt at G2000. It's a freaking 59 bucks of a brand I scorn. It's just an ordinary yellow shirt, nothing special but 59bucks.. they must know that the willingness to pay is very high among their usual clientele.

I said the shirt made me look old. He said it's mature. Everytime I say old, he says mature. IT's just an euphemism. But I guess, I look cheery and more likable wearing brighter colours?

Okie..So... I think I shall just go get a full outfit today. I didn't want to make that investment in my appearance.. but well, I shall. I shall not wear skirts!!! Skirts are a curse to me. I shall not wear my usual beige mules -another curse. Ya, I am getting all superstitious. I shall not do what I have been doing for the past interviews.

A turning point?

Gosh.. It's the 1st of March. Opportunity Cost for not working for two months.. Hmmm....

He's just too busy with work and his partime MBA course.. He's stressed. Is he going to earn big bucks after he get his MBA? I don't see much demand for MBA in the job ads though.. His money is his money. I want to have an abundance of my own money..Else, my dreams will never come true.. else .. I shall not talk about the unhappy thing I was about to. But anyway, I want to do something for him, want him to feel that I am there for him and he's not alone in facing his stress.

Will he start earning big bucks and meeting those well groomed girls in his workplace, while if i choose a different career path and risk becoming unsophisticated and unattractive..

Anyway, received a mini parcel by courier from the Island Leisure Group this evening. Surprise. There was my paycheck and two corporate gifts from Miss D. Also a personal letter, sort of personal lah. I have to say she's really good at handling interpersonal relations, must learn from her. Not because of what she sent me today, but cos of many others. Anyway, she said to keep in touch. How to keep in touch? Is she sure she want to keep in touch with Nick and I? For? I would love to keep in touch of course, but for what? For friendship? Meet up and catch up? Issit practical? You get what I mean? People always say to keep in touch, but do we ever do anything about it, or issit just a cliche thing to say at the end of a meeting. Bah, I am thinking too much.

****

I miss my mommy and sister...

*******

JJ and I met up at Bugis today. We really had nothing to do at all. We really did not want to shop at all. We just met up, because we want to have each other's presence..Sigh..I seldom read the papers. JJ is my personal news broadcaster.

****

Guys from the past are looking for me again.. Hmm... Sigh.. There's Mr R, Mr Y, Mr D, Mr G and Mr K..

***

Bumped into my cousin earlier. I wonder if God planned this... We had a long talk. I was never close to him before. But his conversion to Christianity, sorta bond us together.

So the chat went...He's 19, going into NS next week. He doesn't plan to go University and has been preparing for that big day when he will start his own business. He reminds me of what I was like when I was17 to 19 years old. I was so sure of the path I am going to take. I am not good employee material, so it's hard for me to ever earn much working for pple. Now, I even have problems getting a decently paid job.

We all think the same. Our parents have very low levels of education, as low as incomplete primary education. But, they are earning big bucks, 5 digits, no less. What have I achieved even after so much education? Education is a luxury that I got to enjoy. What are the graduates now getting? Then again, give these graduates 20 years, they might be able to earn more. And yes, I know that there pros and cons working for others. Well..

Eh.. my mother earns like 5 digit, and what am I going to get? Not even $2000? Sad case.

My sister just smsed me, telling me that she is waiting for her poly results and afraid that she can't get a decent job. I asked her not to pursue her studies anymore, because she's not good student material. Encouraged her to get a vocational certificate instead.

Oh.. I also smsed that we could just join forces and brains to do something together. Gosh.. I should just go conceive some ideas to start my family business now. My mother, my sister and I. :O)

**Excited**

Look at Kiddy Palace. It was once a small family business retailing stuff, something that stuck up graduates find unglamourous and non-profitable. Now, it's a booming chain.

Okok.. I am beginning to think that I am a all-talk-and-no-action girl. *Smacks myself***

Err.. it's 1.06am now.. I shall apply for the three jobs in front of me now, then rack my brains for the humble beginning of my family business. Yay... GodBless...

Didn't manage to visit my mother today. Go tomorrow.