I'm in a an awful mood.. aarghh..whatever.

****

Went Thumper on Friday night. I like the place, the life band, the crowd and drinks. It's unlike a particular place I used to go which dilute drinks. The same apricot brandy tastes tons better at Thumper.

But.... it's really quite irritating at the entrance before getting in. You have to go very early. Otherwise, you will be stuck in a queue and only pple who are not WELL-OFF enough have to go through that shitty queue that hardly ever moves. It moves when the bitchy lady who should be the manager decides to.

It says """Full House". But a lot of pple are going thru through the priority queue. Initially I told myself that it's just a marketing gimmick..It's like that..It's human nature to give differential treatment.. but then after waiting for ages in the sweltering hot outdoors, i got pissed and started shooting irritated glares at the bitchy lady who has been strutting around saying that she's going to start accepting "Black Card" at that time. So those with the black card go in first, even though it's FULL HOUSE. And so those with black cards were sifted out and they were all the UNCLES lah. They are all in their 30s or more. What's the big deal that they have more prestigious cards? What were they when they were in their early 20s???? We can all get that bloody black card in 10 years' or more time, can't we??? Idiots of idiots.

When we got in.. it was super crowded. Each person has minimal space. It's not glamorous at all with all the jostling.. Still, you try to enjoy yourself. I did a lot of people watching. Watched how the girls dance and dress.. I aspire to dance like them too! Super sexy.

Yep..I'm a bear with sorehead.

Cos nobody wants to give me happiness and make me feel very xing4 fu2.

If I ask that idiot to meet me a bit more often, he will tell me he want to break up with me. FUCK. Somebody, kindly match make me with a guy who knows what love is all about. When I am finally happy, I won't use such profanity, I promise. :) hahahahaha/... some pple bring out the best in you..and some bring out the worst in you. I just need the former breed again.

*********

On Saturday, I went night cycling... Tonight, Chinese Garden for Mid-Autumn if nothing goes wrong.

Might walk the pitiful dog.. It's stuck at home everyday with no walks.. None of us in the house has the energy or time to tend to him anymore. It's getting as grouchy as me.

I lost my antibiotics!!!!!!!!! I still cannot figure out how I lost them... I cannot take MC leh. Have to crawl to the clinic early in the morning to get heavier doses soon.. Costs taxi money, medicine money, consultation fees, my morning sleep....bah. quit complaining.. that funny clinic I go to is not that normal doctor's clinic.. I hafta queue for hours to see the doc who like to do funny uncomfortable tests on me. hate to go there.

I have been trying to keep myself sane this few days. I needta make life better for myself. I tell myself that I need to stop being stupid and worsen things all the time.

Today, I received a surprise friendster message from a guy I have lost touch with for one year. JJ knew but he never cared about any guys who might have expressed 'admiration' for me before. I guess it's cos these guys often fall into the 'bad catch' category..and he knows all of them have qualities inferior to him. A guy doesn't need to be rich with high education or good looks to make me happy.

Anyway, this was the guy whom I didn't choose last year. I chose JJ over this guy cos I needed someone I feel is smarter or at least on par with me. This guy has also done some stuff that put me off.. e.g. peeping with friends at couples who are making out at dark places..Yuck. But he was truly good to me then.

In his lengthy message, he left his new handphone number and said that he makes a very good listening ear and that I can call him to confide my problems.. I don't think I will lah..

Trying to make adjustments to my life. Trying to find happiness for myself loh...................... Thanks people...

She's a novelty.

She's attractive.

She is more capable because she earns more money.

He sees her everyday.

She spends a lot more time with him than me.

She goes to lunch with him.

She talks on the phone with him.

She shows concern and admiration for him.

Concern from an attractive stranger is worth a million times than concern from an everyday companion.

She messages him.

He doesn't know her well just yet.

And so it seems that she's better in everyway.

And so it seems...

I look like a hag with irritating dogs at home.

I am not capable working in a company with no name and considerably lower income.

I hardly get to see him.

There are no other pple but children and more children at my work place.

He was very determined to break up just last month.

EVerything's still so unstable.

We started off very badly and it just never got well for long.

I look like a total hag. No matter what I do, I will just not be as attractive.

No matter how well I have treated him all this while.. it will hardly amount to any credit in face of another shitty girl.

Well... when it happens, it happens.. no point trying to hold on anymore.. I am tired.

Time after time. There must be something very wrong with me. I need to learn from my mistakes. What mistakes have I committed in my past two relationships?

One main mistake is to let the boyfriend know that I don't trust him. IT's really weird. They expect you to trust them completely even after they have lied several times to you before.

I guess another mistake is taht I am too gullible. I shouldn't believe a guy when he says he likes me a lot. In both relationships, I realised within the first week that both boyfriends did not like me much at all. They just want a girlfrend and they happen to meet me at that point of time. I am not the one they really want at all. The next time someone tells me that he likes me, I am going to kick him very hard.

The idiot works at a local university that a whole lot of you go to. maybe I can just ask a friend to pop over and help me see who he is attracted to. I know it's pointless.. Bah./. .Fuck. Idiots of idiots. Dont' tell me that it's his losss and not my loss. I have lost a lot a lot a lot a lot. Time. Money. Feelings. Youth. Opportunity costs. He merely lost someone he doesn't love much. What loss did he incur?????

Don't tell me someone better will come along. The last time I broke up.. this idiot came along and he's just slightly better. Does this count?

I guess I contributed to the situation. If I were that good, he wouldn't have been this way. I needta reflect.

Err..I put on 4kg in one month.

I just realised today that I have been going quite a number of places recently.

Just this week alone, I have been to

Sunday,
~ play pool
~watch guys play billiard

Thursday,
~yatch club for super heavy dinner then to Jurong Point

Friday,
~West Coast Park (excursion with the little ones) in the morning and Pasir Ris Park at night.

Saturday,
~Steamboat dinner at Marina South

Forgot what I did Monday to Wednesday.. I just remember eating very heavy meals very often mostly because I am afraid that I would get gastric.

And I just realised that I am like a full time tuition teacher giving tuition Monday - Sunday. Hey, this isn't how things should be.... I don't like to give tuition. I think I can't teach well. I can't improve the children's results by leaps and bounds.

Sexy baby. Happy baby..

whowhowho???

me!!! me!!!

bleah.. i guess dressing up can really lift up my mood. if the one going out with me pays a compliment to my outloook that day, i would be even more joyful, just like tonight. Make me feel like I look good. Make me feel like skipping around instead of walking. sillygirl hiakz

and cos i was in a good mood, i bought another new tube top. i just bought one about two weeks ago. the previous tube top is still unwrapped in its packaging.. I hardly have chances to wear clothes like this.

bringing the kids out for a little excursion tomorrow. i realise that their school performance and their happiness mean a hell lot to me. the responsibility of improving the grades and seeing them happy weighs heavily on me each day.

I doubt I will ever have a female best friend again. I doubt I will have any best friends again ever again ever ever again ever again...

I have lost two really good ones after college.

It's bad. I am the kind that other girls do not know how to be friends with. Many find me weird and quiet and antisocial with no life who only likes to study. Think they are mad to think that I am studious. Hardly any girls would try to know me better.

I realise I don't know how to get along with girls. The more I try to keep the friendship, the faster it slips away. I don't do anything now.

I am very passive when it comes to friendship with girls. They gotta let me know that I am welcomed into their lives. They gotta let me know that they are interested in being more than acquaintance with me. It's only there and then, I will open up to them and be able to get along with them more naturally. I can only relax and truly be myself with my old girlfriends. There isn't any female friend that is close to my heart now.

Not eloquent with my thoughts here....................I want best friends. I want good friends. Send me some soon? Difficult to get them at this age... Even more difficult since I am waiting for them to come to me, instead of actively seeking for them.

Goodness..I keep thinking of a particular someone today. Gotta stop it stop it stop it stop it. Better not blog about it. I won't cheat on my partner. Just sometimes, some thoughts secretly seep into my mind. I won't be like those people I loathe -- those people who cheat on their partners. I won't I won't I won't.

Meant to blog about HOW I HANDLE LIFE AFTER BREAKUP.

I am not going through a break up now. But I did before. Just thought of blogging about it. Borrowed a book to read today. Haven't read a novel for ages. I tend to be more practical. If I were to read, I would read something very informative like newspapers, Time, Newsweek, Businessweek etcetc.. Cleo and Female are informative reads too. :) Anywayz, the book reminded me that the last time I read was when I was single.

I always feel like I don't want to live anymore after each breakup. Not that there were many.
There would be some stuff I would start doing right away to make myself feel better.

~ Bring a lot of tissue paper out. Cos I might burst out crying any moment of the day doing anything anywhere.

~ Do something to my hair. Cos every breakup make me feel totally unattractive. I want to feel attractive again.

~ Doll up more before I go out.

~ Start making new friends - mostly guys. Ooops...

~ Plan all my days way in advance. I would make sure that I would have something to occupy my mind with every moment till bed time. Ask a friend out almost every night.

~Buy novels to read.

~Before I sleep, I would call at least one friend to talk to. The friend would talk to me, listen to me cry, counsel me till I fall asleep each night.

~Go to church.

~ I would also list out the characterisitics of the next boyfriend I want to have and ask my friends to match make me.

Sounds like I can't live without a guy? Actually, all these are just to help me get over the initial phase after breakup. AFter a month or so, I would be fine, and would actually back off when there are guys who want to be together. I will be totally hesitant and not want to rush into a new relationship anyhow again.

Only one boyfriend and the boyfriend my future husband was what I always wanted. Well.. it's impossible now of cos, now that I am at my third. I remember that I wasn't serious about him at first. I thought I would just date him for a few months and wouldn't be serious because he's not the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life time with. We just aren't suitable for each other. But well.. I ended up being serious. Damn.

Having typed this, I feel lucky that there were so many who were there for me when I feel like I couldn't survive each day.

*****

I'm beginning to like playing pool. Hope to improve and start playing at the billiard table soon. :)

When I ever get the bikini I want, I will start swimming again.

I want to practise my singing again. Might buy a basketball to do a little shooting and stuff at the court too. Nobody wants to do tennis with me lah.

By the way, I went gym again yesterday. haha. Got kaki, otherwise I would have just plopped myself on the sofa and watched tv all night. I shall see if I can still be as athletic as in the past. A good fren went with me to the gym once and yelled," hello?? you look like you feel totally out of place in a gym. did you forget that u were a swimmer, a basketballer, a runner blahblah.." I was slightly slightly slightly above average in sports in the past. But yea..that was in the past. And people just can't link me to sports anymore now. They find it incredible that I ever do sports cos I am so gu niang at times and avoids the sun.

I learnt today that one of JJ's friends actually has a sister who lives in my area. He said he has actually been coming here to swim n work out for a few years. I was like.. hur.. that was even before I got to know JJ. (Only know JJ for about one year until now. ) But I have never bumped into him here all this while. I know him about a year ago too. Now, what's the big deal about this, you may wonder.. well......well....... *shrug**

Wah..haven't spent such a long time blogging for ages. :)

I was once told that I am a brave girl, because I am not afraid to take injections, to donate blood, to be a potential bone marrow donor. Did a blood test today. His words came to my mind. Bleah. I am not brave lah. He had a crush on me, so everything I do seem extra angelic to him. Oopps.. That was years ago, back in college though. I just want to say something nice about myself and feel better about myself.

By the way.. have been reprimanded quite a number of times for not being business minded enough. I hate to charge my customers higher prices and always worry that I am not giving them enough value for money. I don't chase after late payments either. !!!!!!! I'm just more concerned with giving them value for money more than them giving me value for my time and effort. if you know what i mean..

A Primary 6 girl just got me stumped with all her impractical curiosity again.

What colour is a mealworm? I guess brown.

What the hell is a fish fern? I said I would check.

At which stage is the moth inactive? Answer -pupa stage. Why not the egg? And if it is inactive, why issit able to weave a cocoon still?

And loads others..

Asked a couple of friends, nobody knows.

K...I will got try my luck at google later.

*********

Been very stressed with regards to a problem, on top of all the other problems.

I wanted bought a Hello Kitty or My Melody sweet dispenser to cheer myself up at the supermarket.

I walked by a cake shop, went in...... and was most tempted to buy one entire cake to cheer myself up again.

Did not buy any of them. Must be rational. Sweets --tooth decay. Cake -- saturated fats. hahahhaaaaaaa..sianz

I don't know why I seem totally fine when I am with friends. They take things off my mind without me having to pour out my woes at all. I needta surround myself with friends.

***

My mother always wanted me to be a teacher and my sister a police officer. haha. really.