Guilty..

I feel bad about what I grumbled about JJ in my previous entries. Couple disagreements are common right, and yet I took them so hard. I need to give all the relationship problems some time for them to be resolved.

God must have heard my prayer and decided to grant His infant believer her request.

I can see JJ trying to change, trying not to do what I don't like.

Hey.. me too is trying to be more ...mature.

***

JJ been asking me to throw away my clinque facial soap. I am going to throw it away later. Bought MURAD, for problematic skin like mine. Hope it works. Cos it costs $60 -- can buy 10 other normal cleansers. If it works, I will go buy the rest of its range.

Guess what....SKII's miracle water couldn't save my face. Bioskin's super expensive facials couldn't save my face too. Fretting that it's incurable.. SObzz..

x'mas n stuff

It's ironical or perhaps just plain human nature that people often proclaim to the entire world how much they abhor superficial pple, liars, hypocrites and the like, BUT, are superficial, hypocritical and all themselves. Well well.... Who am I to judge, shut up your thoughts girl!

Anyways...

My X'mas gift from JJ below




Actually, I prefer a white or total black one. Ooops.. But, hey, the present is such a blessing! My room was originally quite empty. Cos I have two 'homes' (maybe 3, cos JJ cites his as my third home, haha). Only have one textbook at JJ's place, for me to read when I am real bored. For the home where my new hi-fi is currently residing in, I seldom stay there, so don't have much stuff there. It's really troublesome to shuffle between more than one home.

I just love that room of mine, even though it's empty. Will take pix of it next time.

Because of the new hi-fi..I am buying CDs.. Most would just download right? Anyway, I want to support Stefanie Sun! So, I bought her album at only $9.90! It's not pirated. It's retailed at shops such as those selling VCDs like T.S.. The reason why it's sold cheap is that they repackage the album, cut the frills to provide the bare minimum, if you get what I mean. Maybe, I am not a great supporter of Stefanie Sun after all.

Looking to buy Elva's album next. It's a compilation only at $18.90 (will buy the original one). She's such a babe, I just love admiring her eyes.

Hey, acquaintances always get a shock when I don't know the english songs, the western artistes or tv programmes that are popular. Yea, I really don't know much of them. I listen to chinese songs, sing in chinese, watch chinese tv programs only, listen to news in chinese. But, I read only english magazines, watch only english movies, speak 85% english etc..

JJ looks so cute and shuai4 in the shirt i bought him for X'mas! Ralph Lauren was holding a mad sale yesterday. The sales guy promised me that the shirt I buy is one of their basic line with higher quality and won't be on sale, and he wasn't bullshitting. Tsk..I can't stand all these brands. Serious declining brand equity. I shall not buy them unless they go on sale. Actually, I never ever buy such stuff for myself, only buy for JJ. That lucky boy of mine. hahahhaa..ooops..

That was such a tragedy..

Wanted to blog about X'mas but.. feeling really sad n disturbed with the Tsunami incident.

I first learnt about Tsunami from a comprehension passage in secondary school. Tsunami attacks were experienced by Japan in the passage... So freaking scary...

Wept for the immense losses Asia has and will continue to suffer in the days to come.

I don't keep up with the news regularly. When JJ told me this when we were shopping in Orchard earlier, I was so overwhelmed with shock n sadness.

What is the purpose of this disaster, God??

my x'mas gift n card for JJ

Much about JJ & I, as usual

The card JJ gave me for first month as shown in my very first post. The rose dried up..

The purple photoalbum was bought in Popular to house photos, tix etc of JJ and I. This was the album I had to decorate the other time. He said very plain, and I was quite sianzz..because it's just so typical of him to criticise this and that. Seldom do stuff I do ever look good. I complained.. and he said that his "plain" doesn't mean ugly, yadayadayadar..I was doing it alone for the entire night, he could at least have showed some appreciation for my efforts.. but all I heard was "So plain.."

Ya know, I can't be bothered to reason with him anymore, because it's tiring and he has to win all arguments. (Even though if will strongly deny this.)But after the argument, he will try to change. I just realised this.. haha.. Just let him win the argument, don't waste breath and prolong the heat by reasoning with him. Cos what I want is him to treat and speak to me more nicely. After letting him win the argument, I get what I somehow get what I want, that is he will try to change, not totally, but improving..Reminding myself not to kick up a fuss when angry.. I don't feel that I kicked up a fuss, but well....If I am angry or upset, the best way is to speak in those sweet gentle tone when making unpleasant comments.

Anyway, he went on to add on more decor to the album. Got to see it today, really looks a lot better than mine.. haha..Feeling a little ashamed of myself. I am the girl, but his 'art and craft' always beats mine!

************

JJ tried to give me a clue too many for my X'mas gift.

1. Not colourful
2. Something I would win on certain days
3. Costs more than twice of my weekly allowance
4. Bulky

The fifth he unknowingly divulged. He asked me to be at home at 4.30pm this Friday. At 4.30pm, he would be working still. Why 4.30pm? So the 5th Clue..

5. It requires home delivery.

Guess what the present is?

A HiFi !!! hahahhaa... what a BIG present..

He was very disappointed this morning when I told him my guess. Told him earlier that I am good at guessing even without clues.

I went to get the Springfield shirt, but it ran out of sizes. Stressed. I am feeling very stressed about his X'mas present.. Don't want to disappoint him. Sigh, now I have nothing to buy!!!!!!!!! Saw a black shirt at Zara $90.. I might buy that along with black socks (cos his socks got hole.hee) and boxers (I dunno if he owns any though..).

But he asked me if I were going to buy him a shirt for X'mas.. Cos I wasn't quite discreet in checking out his shirt size. So, there would be no surprise!!! ~~Stressed~~

********

I didn't want to accept JJ at the start. First time I met him, I told myself, "Very charming and from similar, actually higher, educational background as me. But he has too many gfs before and I don't like to have a goodlooking boyfriend!!!" I am not surprised if girls start throwing themselves at him. Serious! No use worrying but.. Howhow?? Problem with having an eligible boyfriend. Other girls don't know his not-so-nice side, so will still be charmed to him... If he were so good, his 5 ex gfs wouldn't have left him. Girls say he is boring and he's afraid that I would think he's boring too.

Shall not go further into this..Sometimes, I wonder whether I should even be spending time writing so much. What do I get out of it?

This entry is long.. I better go sleep now. It doesn't help thinking about all these. Going to pray about it.. I am very very insecure in this relationship. I guess the two major problems are that he's quite selfish and that I feel insecure.

my impulse purchases

I just spent quite sometime trying to put up something for sale on Yahoo Auctions, Singapore. Never done it before. Anyway, it's weird, initially it says that it won't charge my credit/debit card. Then, it says that it requires a listing fee to be paid. So it's not free service after all? haha..How stupid I can get...

So much barang barang I wanna sell away! Can't believe that I spend so much money buying ugly clothes and bags, skincare and make up that I only use for a while. All impulse purchases. Tsktsk..

How am I going to get rid of them?Go Tanglin Mall bazaar to sell? Sell at Clarke Quay's flea market? I don't have that much stuff to sell to set up a stall which I have to pay rent, $50 at Tanglin Mall. At Tanglin Mall, clothes can only be sold at $5 per piece..Combine with my friends to sell? No kakis... Anyone there??? Just wanna get rid of these stuff..

I haven't asked anyone how I can upload multiple photos in one blog entry. Must be a stupid question to ask... Everyone knows!!! But I dunno.. Hmm..

A couple of them as follows..




Bought this weird thing from Thailand

my past impulse purchases

Another one...



This dress from Veeko costs me almost $60+. I must be mad to buy it...

Kind of lost and scared

Don't know which path to take now.

Now that I am graduated. What's the next step?

Those marketing executive jobs will not fetch me much money. It's gonna take forever for me to even get $5000 a month. They pay marketing pple so little money, but expect them to be very well groomed and well dressed. They should pay a separate some of money called the grooming reinbursements or something like that.

Haven't sent out a single resume.

There are quite a few options, but I am so totally hesitant.

K..Guess my plan will be to find one of those stupid 9 to 5pm job in marketing/business areas. Meanwhile, get a temp job for some income. I just want to have a taste of 'glamourous jobs'. After which, I may just get extra passive income while continue holding on to my day job, start something with the help of my mother?, or... sigh.. I dunno man.

I am not into working very hard, which usually means beyond office hours and neglect my loved ones. But if I don't work very hard, my pay is going to rise at snail's pace.

A mess of thoughts.

I want a...

Corset!

This is not taken from any porn websites, in any case you are wondering.

*****

Had a fight with JJ on Friday night. "Fight". We weren't shouting or anything. Just super pissed with each other. I brought up the topic that I wish he would show more appreciation of me when we are together. I said that he's lavish with criticisms and a scrooge with compliments and niceties. He, as usual just jump to his own defense. He thinks that I am being overly critical of him, finding a lot of problems with him. (Maybe, I am.)

Why try to defend himself, when he knows very well that he has this problem, which he later admitted too. EVeryone, not just girls, like to know that they are being appreciated and that their partners think well of them. And it didn't look like it will end since none wants to give in, so he decided to leave the argument that way and leave. NEver ever wage cold wars with me. Never leave an argument like this. After he left, the argument was continued over sms. I hate sms. He dunno how to call me issit?

He should know that it is very easy to end this argument. Just put away his pride, say that he understand that he's wrong in a more gentle tone, say sorry and that he will try to change, but give him some time. Top that up with a kiss. That's it!! But, it's just so difficult to put away his pride. Stupid only child attitude wants the entire world, still finding it hard to give in to others.

And then, I childishly said that I want to break up because I am not getting what I want. I was just being plain spiteful. In the end, I called him the next day(Saturday). Relieved to hear him speaking in a milder tone. Obviously, I hope we work out, and wouldn't want to end the relationship. Sure I am unhappy, but I still hope he can continue to bring me happiness. Really hope that he will stop being so unkind with his words.

Quote from him: Obviously the SKII miracle water didn't work on you, because your face is still like that.
I knew he will say that, so I didn't want to let him know that I have this product. Too bad, I eventually told him, he saw the bottle, and then said this so unkindly. Aaarghh..As if I am not upset about my face already. I have very low self esteem already, it doesn't help the way he's talking about my face. He claims he is just concerned and trying to help. AArrghh..I rahter he shut his mouth.

Okiee.. nonono..I needta change focus. I said that I would be more tolerant and patient waiting for him to change.

****

We met up later that day. (which is yesterday) Took some photos of the X'mas decor at ORchard Road, just like a whole lot of Singaporeans did. The photos didn't look good. Spent the rest of the night shopping for clothes for him. I have been looking out for the kind of pants he like, shirts for him to wear to work etc. He said that I looked more disappointed that him that he didn't buy anything after all the shopping.

In the end, we revisited PRoject Shop. He said he's a sucker for the stuff there. He tried on a dark blue draw string pants and a black top that I got for him. WAhaha.. looked so good! Because I said that he looks good in that black top, he bought both of them --$140. Xin1 Tong4

Later on, I said I don't want to eat at Swensen's to save his money. Not going CoffeeBean either. And that he didn't have to send me home, or he would have to take a $15 cab home later on. Time to be more sensible.

I am so so into self development that I want better things for my bf. JJ's quite a good looker, but he's got so few clothes with very limited styles. ME so eager to dress him up. Well, I am sure he will be happy and we were both very happy at the end of the day. He said,"Let's not quarrel anymore." I hope so!

***
CK on sale..50% off. which means the black top I bought for JJ costs only 70 bucks now. Sianz.. Lowering its brand equity and chasing away customers like me. haha..

And bubble tea is coming back.. JJ's been saying that I am drinking an 'out of fashion' drink. I don't care! Especially like the Happy Cup branch at Orchard Emerald. I have influenced so many pple to go there and drink. Anyway, it's finally coming back again. Not in as much force as the previous, but as long as it's enough for the vendors to stay in business to ensure my supply of bubble tea!

look away

How did I manage to fit into those bras (any snonyms for this word?) in the past? Now they are just chucked in a forlorn corner of my wardrobe. I don't want to see them. I was really obese.

So flat.. Everyday, I am concious of my flat chest and horrible complexion. And so envious of those with more well-endowed bosoms... :( Sianzzz.. It doesn't help when JJ started counting the number of mosquito bite scars on my legs yesterday. Btw, it's uncountable, so he stopped after a while. No sexy short skirts for me..

K..I know God is fair.. There are stuff I have that others don't have too.. For e.g. Brains. hee..kidding.. not funny... ok..stop it..I mean, nah.. I have an average height, average weight, wonderful family, a little talent in sports and music, no disabilties etcetc.. But, I want more..

wo3 yao4 de4 xing4 fu2

I am quite disappointed with my currente relationship. I was looking for more than a bf. Someone I can get married with.

Besides my first bf, I never tasted the kind of happiness and security again.

It suddenly dawned on me that the reason is that he is a Christian. Now, those who are non-Christians might disapprove of what I said. But, hey, I am lazy to explain my point.

I realised that who I really need is a Christian devout as my partner. We would have the same purpose in life, similar views on life and love. I would feel secure, because I know he won't cheat on me. The society is so full of wanton now. EVery now and then, I know of friends who cheat on their partners. Few people care anymore. A Christian partner would give me the kind of love and happiness I really yearn for. Not just added security, of course.

JJ is way too worldly for me. Damn, I am getting irritated with many things he says and does, plus many things his mother says and does. He finds a lot of fault with me. And I don't feel that secure with him. I just don't trust him with this girl and that girl. I guess I have a problem with my own character and I need a partner who has a stronger character, the love and patience for me.

I believe that perhaps, neither JJ nor I are at fault. We are just a wrong combination. We don't suit each other. He needs someone more perfect, more tolerant, patient, not temperamental, not outgoing etc kind of gf. He needs someone to dote on him, buy him gifts, give him a lot of attention and all. does he now know how broke I am? Why ask me for Christmas presents? I would give even if he had not asked, but why did he keep asking? Sigh.. darn. This is bad. Sigh, I just need someone more selfless who cares more about giving than receiving, not just in terms of this gift issue, but in various other aspects.

Some people bring out the good in you. Others bring out the worst in you. This is very very true. And I would say that my first bf really bring out the good in me then. But hey, not getting back together with him ever. It's impossible. I don't wish to be with him again, due to some reasons.

The more I dwell in this, the worse my health of my relationship will suffer..Want to cry liao.. I find it quite hard to get along with JJ, and feel that he can't give me the happiness I wanted so much. Will that kind of xing4 fu2 come to me again? Why can't I be happily attached?

From now on, I should write and focus on all the good things that happen, and not the bad ones, to remind myself that it's not all that bad.

Covert him!?It's gonna be tough.

My happening community service

By the way... Who started coining the term "happening" to describe a person "having a lot of life" or that a lot of not so mundane events took place..

My community service finally came to an end yesterday. Had mixed feelings. I started criticising the organisation AFUA (Arts for Us All) at the start. But at the end of it, I had quite a bit of compliments to pay.

Well, despite a lack of strong leadership, organisation, implementation and direction, they did achieve their objectives. They really brought Arts, in terms of performing Arts to the streets of Orchard Road. I could see so many people enjoying all the music, dance and other performances. Besides, another of their objective to give the talents in Singapore a chance to showcase their talents was really successful. Hey! There are really quite a lot of budding young musicians here among us. They just didn't have the chances others in other countries have. Now, I respect AFUA. :)

****

Why happening? Ha..Just little things.. Sigh, I realised I am really quite lazy to blog details..

Throughout the event, when I watch the performers, I wish I could sing! I wish I could play the saxophone better! I wish I can sing and play the guitar! I wish I wish.. I played the saxophone back in Secondary school. Was in the symphonic band. I need practice again before I can perform in public of course. Well, as for singing, they were all singing english songs. I sing chinese songs.

The thing about singaporeans singing english songs is that, there isn't a distinct flavour to it. We listen to the foreigners sing, and we start singing the accent and way they do. Not original if you get what I mean. Nothing special. If you sound like the angmohs, you are percieved to be good. To me, these people are just actually quite plain and normal. For me, if I sing english songs, I am going to sound average and plain etcetc.. So, why throw my face?

I had a bursting urge in me to go take the mike and sing, get one of the guys to play the guitar. Oh, anyone can go up to the perform besides the scheduled bands. There were audience who went up to perform, and they were good of course. I was asked if I wanted to sing, dance or anything. I wanted to tell them, actually i can played the saxophone, actually my singing is ok. Some of those that went up to perform spontaneously weren't good..I mean, even though I am not that good myself, I am better than them.. I feel bad saying this. It's another of my think-I-am better-than-others attitude again. Bad girl... Ya know, I even asked JJ, "Do I sing better than them?" (them referring to some of them in particular, not all of them of course) He said Yes..Haha, could he have said No?

****

Yesterday, I went into their HQ -- a red bus at Youth Park near Cineleisure. The red bus is like a place, not a bus. There were a few of the AFUA guys there. First thing he said, "Have you eaten?" Then asked, "Why are you always smiling?" Ok, I didn't know that I always smile. Shrug. I just replied, "A lot of people say that you don't smile." And a resounding agreement followed from the rest in the bus. One asked him if he ever smiles. Hahaha.. The rest of the time, he wasn't that serious and solemn anymore for once. Those guys were talking before I came, stuff irrelevant to me. I wasn't sitting with them. But, every now and then, he will talk about me, talk to me etc.. He's the only one there who calls me by my christian name in full while the rest calls me the abbreviated version of my name. I guess, I was just kinda honoured and pleased that he gives me quite a bit of attention. But hey, I am not planning to cheat on JJ, ya?

Oh, he asked me a few times whether I want to join AFUA. In my mind, it was YesYesYes, in fact I have been wondering if I would be asked right at the start. But I said stuff like, "Ermm..I think I am overaged" etcetc.. Almost all of them are 20years old and below. He asked me a few times, but I never answered him directly. Another guy added that, "Join lah! He's(referring to the president I was talking about) handsome." Hahahaha.. So????

Anyway, I was bored..so I went Heeren to shop by myself and left them.

******

I am just mentioning a few stuff that happened throughout this event. Haha.. Yesterday night, I was counting the donations in the red bus, along with many others. One of the volunteer's younger sister came in. She's 12 years old. She came in exclaiming aloud," XXXXX, got love message!" I was like.. huh??? What joke is she going to play on me? She just kept repeating to everyone said that I have a secret admirer etc and asked me to go out with her. So, after sometime, I just went out with her and asked her not to shout anymore..

It came from the weirdest person.

She said that one of the soundsystem guys said that he wants to get to know me better etcetc..She passed me his number and that I am supposed to contact him. Errmmm..I didn't. Sigh, I don't know what to do also. I don't want to be mean, but I don't want trouble. *shrug** Anyway, after that i went to get my bag and left. After all her 'promotions' in the bus, I am too embarrassed to stay on.

*****

All right, one last guy.. Hahaha..this guy that guy..Ok, sometimes I am just puzzled at some attention I get, I guess. I am no babe! My complexion sucks.

Oh..There was another guy EEP. Shan't elaborate. But, I was shocked and paiseh, when he gave me a stalk of red rose at the place when I was doing my community service in orchard road. He wanted to eat dinner with me, or supper, and sent me home. But, I said I can't.

Yesterday, he came again. Brought me food he bought from takashimaya, just when I was telling everyone that I am famished. We never talked much.

I can just recall the number of guys that tried so hard to convince me how much they love me and that their love for me will continue forever, such that even after I reject them, they will still continue holding a torch for me. Yes, they kept trying to convince me that it will take very long for them to get over me, and that I will always be the most special to them.. and all the SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it, absolutely abhor guys who try to convince me this. It's better that they don't try to say anything at all. Obviously it will not hold true. After a while, I will hear of them getting a new girlfriend almost too soon and all. Rubbish. Rubbish.What a lot of rubbish some guys try to make me believe. In this era, most guys are practical, they simply move on to the next girl when one doesn't work.

I don't know about EEP. Perhaps, he too has some other crushes. But, I was surprised that after telling him off once sometime ago, he still can be bothered to be nice to me now. Yea, I was irritated with him thinking too highly of himself suggesting that he's too good for me. I told him that he know nuts about chasing girls. Haha..I half expected him to be more practical and totally give up on me. Anyway, he should.

I only meet him for the first time recently when he came to get things from me. He smed me amongst some others is -- "You are indeed sweet and cute". hahah...huh? what did I do? but he didn't say that i am pretty, which i am not, cos my complexion is in horrid condition.

****

Erps..blogged so much about this guy that guy... ermm...well, I admit that I do feel flattered when there are guys who give me attention like this. But, it also spells trouble for me. Because at the end of the day, I cannot return in kind anything, and I won't recipocrate any feelings.

Bs

Mediocrity -- That's what my life was full of for the past 9 years after i left primary school.

My grades suck... I just receive another grade.

Friends been asking me what honours class I will be graduating with. I am not supposed to mind, cos it's meaningless to be so bothered by how others look at me.

I think I better get a job soon, to ensure myself that my grades is not everything in the world. With my grades, I can still get a decent job like anyone else. Oh, not forgetting that I gonna be my own boss, when nobody's gonna be bothered how many As or Cs I get in University.

**Totally Depressed****

Learning about myself

I have been doing my community service this past week, especially the recent weekend.I have been going Orchard almost everyday....

This event is called ORchard Jam. Busking sessions along Orchard Road. I was stationed at Heeren, near Marche. I was the 'Site Manager' for that location, meaning that I will be coordinating and managing the events,people and everything else at that location.

I have been wondering..What the hell am I good at? What are my talents and abilities if there are any at all. I am not a leader. I am not a worker as well. My life's such a haze.

Anyway, through these events, I developed more people skills and discover that I have improved a lot at managing situations etc.. Hmm..How to say? I have the ability to run a site smoothly and successfully, not all by myself of course.

I was typing one example earlier to illustrate..Hee..But too lazy to type, too long. Forget it. I am just happy to discover more abilities I have acquired. At the age of 22, I am finally much more capable than I ever was.

Suyin gave me a book -The Purpose Driven Life by Rich WArren. It's one of those Christian Best sellers. I had the book for months, and recently picked it up to read. Hey, it's quite well written.

Part of it wrote - EAch of us was uniquely designed by God with talents, gifts, skills and abilities. The way you're "wired" is not by accident. Like a proud parent, God especially enjoys watching you use the talents and abilities he has given you. God intentiaionally gifted us differently for his enjoyment.. He has shaped each person in turn, no whe watches everything we do.

You don't bring glory or pleasure to God by hiding your abilities or trying to be someone else. (But then, I don't even know who I actually am. I do I know when I am trying to be someone else?) You only bring him enjoyment by being you. Anytime you reject any part of youself (Is this trying to say that I should stop feeling irritated by my flat chest and acne prone face?), you are rejecting God's wisdom and sovereignty in creating you.

God says,"You have no right to aruge with your Creator. You are merely a claypot shaped by a potter. The clay doesn't ask,'Why did you make me this way?'"

everyone's heading down to zouk

It's holidays for most of us now.

I just got to know that many of my frens are going zouk tomorrow.

Phuture would be dangerously crowded and stifling. But my friends just like to dance at Phuture.

JJ gave me 50 bucks, 'sponsoring' me to go zouk. I am limited to only two drinks, no lambougini(whatever the spelling.) I don't appreciate the drink anyway. I felt horrible the last time I drank it.

I have nothing to wear.. Sounds familiar?? haha..

I am currently clearing my 80 hours of community service. I had to go around to sell festive cards today, ALONE!!!!EVery $20 of sales entitles me to ONE pathetic community service hour. Nobody wants to buy!!!! Anyway, I only manage to clock in 5 hours today, with the help of my mother.

I don't deserve dirty looks, rude rejections, people taking alternative routes on seeing me when I am doing my community service!!!!! But, that's what I have been getting.

I have to do it tomorrow again.. **Sobzz*** This is definitely not a meaningful way of doing community service. But I don't have a choice since I need to finish this fast to be eligible for graduation end of this year.

Would be down at the Orchard JAM event this weekend (Friday to Sunday) and the next weekend too. Won't have to sell cards these days though, I hope at least..

**

By the way, my time and date of blog entry is not always accurate. I wrote the previous entry at night... not in the morning.