I am turning into a HUGE spendthrift. Frightening..

I just spent another 700 bucks on a facial package. That's the price after 20% discount. Went Leonard Drake. My face is like a pig now, after all the intensive "extraction".

I seriously need to rethink about my current 'career' choice.

*****

DAting Mr Ah Beng has been fun. K lah.. I have made him sound pretty awful. But he's a real Beng in the past. Now, he only looks like one. In the past, he behaved and looked like one.

I keep on reminding myself that we are just dating, getting to know each other more now. It's nothing serious. I shouldn't have much expectations of him. Let things be happy and happy!

He only went ITE. Please do not tell me that I am discriminating etc..

Anyway, he's really way out of my social circle. He doesn't know what many common english words mean. Example -- "pessimistic, optimistic, intimidating" etc...Luckily, my chinese is quite good.. haha.. his friends smoke and swear quite a great deal. They like to lurk in pubs and flirt with girls. Then the ITE vs Degree thingy. But it's ok.. Cos he's smart and serious about his work. So it really doesn't matter. Someone with a degree can be stupid. He's really a smart guy, from my observations. haha..

The more I see him, the cuter I think he is. I used to think otherwise. Gosh, I think I have a thing for guys with long eyelashes. I just like to admire them.

And I really like his style, in the sense that he had been very decent and treated me right. Other guys would have rushed into kissing and all the works. Not him. Oki. I want to stay just holding hands for one year. :) hahahhahahaha.. yea.. that is if I am still seeing him one month later...

Keep on reminding myself to continue learning to be independent, to keep my social life active. Must as I would like to spend every moment with him, I won't.

I need to learn from my past mistakes..

Is this post too ermmm.. mushy or what?

I am turning into a HUGE spendthrift. Frightening..

I just spent another 700 bucks on a facial package. That's the price after 20% discount. Went Leonard Drake. My face is like a pig now, after all the intensive "extraction".

I seriously need to rethink about my current 'career' choice.

*****

DAting Mr Ah Beng has been fun. K lah.. I have made him sound pretty awful. But he's a real Beng in the past. Now, he only looks like one. In the past, he behaved and looked like one.

I keep on reminding myself that we are just dating, getting to know each other more now. It's nothing serious. I shouldn't have much expectations of him. Let things be happy and happy!

He only went ITE. Please do not tell me that I am discriminating etc..

Anyway, he's really way out of my social circle. He doesn't know what many common english words mean. Example -- "pessimistic, optimistic, intimidating" etc...Luckily, my chinese is quite good.. haha.. his friends smoke and swear quite a great deal. They like to lurk in pubs and flirt with girls. Then the ITE vs Degree thingy. But it's ok.. Cos he's smart and serious about his work. So it really doesn't matter. Someone with a degree can be stupid. He's really a smart guy, from my observations. haha..

The more I see him, the cuter I think he is. I used to think otherwise. Gosh, I think I have a thing for guys with long eyelashes. I just like to admire them.

And I really like his style, in the sense that he had been very decent and treated me right. Other guys would have rushed into kissing and all the works. Not him. Oki. I want to stay just holding hands for one year. :) hahahhahahaha.. yea.. that is if I am still seeing him one month later...

Keep on reminding myself to continue learning to be independent, to keep my social life active. Must as I would like to spend every moment with him, I won't.

I need to learn from my past mistakes..

Is this post too ermmm.. mushy or what?

I am turning into a HUGE spendthrift. Frightening..

I just spent another 700 bucks on a facial package. That's the price after 20% discount. Went Leonard Drake. My face is like a pig now, after all the intensive "extraction".

I seriously need to rethink about my current 'career' choice.

*****

DAting Mr Ah Beng has been fun. K lah.. I have made him sound pretty awful. But he's a real Beng in the past. Now, he only looks like one. In the past, he behaved and looked like one.

I keep on reminding myself that we are just dating, getting to know each other more now. It's nothing serious. I shouldn't have much expectations of him. Let things be happy and happy!

He only went ITE. Please do not tell me that I am discriminating etc..

Anyway, he's really way out of my social circle. He doesn't know what many common english words mean. Example -- "pessimistic, optimistic, intimidating" etc...Luckily, my chinese is quite good.. haha.. his friends smoke and swear quite a great deal. They like to lurk in pubs and flirt with girls. Then the ITE vs Degree thingy. But it's ok.. Cos he's smart and serious about his work. So it really doesn't matter. Someone with a degree can be stupid. He's really a smart guy, from my observations. haha..

The more I see him, the cuter I think he is. I used to think otherwise. Gosh, I think I have a thing for guys with long eyelashes. I just like to admire them.

And I really like his style, in the sense that he had been very decent and treated me right. Other guys would have rushed into kissing and all the works. Not him. Oki. I want to stay just holding hands for one year. :) hahahhahahaha.. yea.. that is if I am still seeing him one month later...

Keep on reminding myself to continue learning to be independent, to keep my social life active. Must as I would like to spend every moment with him, I won't.

I need to learn from my past mistakes..

Is this post too ermmm.. mushy or what?

Just now.. I was at friendster. Added one new photo. He's the apple of my eye now. haha..Not that He. It's one of my little boys.

And... while at friendster, it was displayed that He updated his friendster profile at around midnight. We just went out earlier today for like 7 hours. I went to check. His status remains "Single". I looked through trying to make out what he might have changed in his profile. I concluded that he probably just change the "Looking for whowhowho" section. It is now "Looking for friends and activity partners" instead of "Looking for friends, activity partners, woman for relationship etc.." What the?

Of course.... my status on friendster remains 'single' as well.. cos I definitely don't feel as if I am attached or what. I don't feel much obligations. I take it that we are just 'dating'. just going out. And ya lah. hold hands. but only hold hands and nothing more. great that nohting more happen. Nothing more would happen either.

I think he had been using the term "girlfriend" loosely. I think he's testing waters.. well.. naturally we all would having been through so much past unhappiness.

ACtually.he's been assuming that I want to be with him all this while and that I regard him as my boyfriend. Goodness.. This stupid bf and gf thing. For the first time, I am this childish in this matter.

I remember he asked me how I find "our beginning". I was like.. "Do we have a beginning? I didn't know anything has begun."

Honestly.. I didn't tell him all exactly what I think. He's been nice. Been rather gentlemanly and all, despite being a terrible Ah Beng for years. I just said that I need to know him better first.

It amazes me how much common interests and other aspects we share. I've been rather happy of late. In a way, he kinda suits me. I would almost tell you that I am beginning to fall for him.. For more than 2 years, I have met idiots who really know nothing about love...until this dumbass showed me stuff in his laptop on the train earlier. Pictures! Pictures of him with other girls. Double dating to Tioman etc.. So stupid. Gimme see this for what.

We are all just testing waters..

I don't want to play guessing games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want any "Love" games! Don't give me pain.. Go away...

I shall not meet him at all tmr. I shall not reply him tmr. I cancelled my ktv session with a guyfren today to meet him today. I shall meet my friend tmr. Two of us are going to sing ktv.

This Beng... He shall just be an interesting experience I guess.

I didn't tell you his background. He's really pretty ..interesting. Sold vcds illegally, went nightclubs, got into fights etc..

He's changed now of cos.. I met quite a few of his friends already.

I dont' want to blog liao.. Bad mood. Those silly photos spoilt my mood. Plus his stupid friendster thing. Bah.. I'm sick. New sickness.. Fever, headache, sore throat healed..now cough and flu. damn. I shall go prepare to go sleep, go church and ktv tmr. Humph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sick..........

Something rather amusing and confusing and a little life-changing happened yesterday.

I was talking to that He I mentioned in my previous post.

I asked a whole lot of questions. One of which is Who I am to him.

He said, "Girlfriend".

I was astonished. Eh? How come I don't know? How come he didn't even ask me? What makes him think I want to be together? So what now? I sure do not consider him as my boyfriend and surely do not intend to go into a relationship yet. I'm not done with tidying up my life yet. I'm not done with assimilating into my new way of life yet.

He said that there is no need to spell everything out explicitly and that I should be able to tell from all his actions and all. Issit.. I couldn't. I never thought that he like me much, you know. I always thought he seemed interested on Saturday night because he had a drop too much. Maybe he's one of those looking for a COMPANION and don't really want to put in much effort into his relationship. Just want to receive from the girl kind..

And.. How can a guy just acknowledge another girl as his girlfriend without her consent?

Anyway..he's another one of those that seldom contact the girlfriend. Will choose to meet me when he feels like it, which isn't that often. No. Not suitable for me.

Btw..I'm sick.. Wish I have a thermometer. And he knows. Will I get a surprise? See if he continues getting into my bad books..My phone just rang for the third time in half an hour.. All the people I am not excited to hear from. Bah.

The little ones are coming to my house to swim tmr.. haha.. I'm gonna be a nanny again. Please don't rain!!!! Else we can't bbq.

Even if nothing comes out between him and I, my life won't go topsy turvy again.. Not again will I make myself so vulnerable. I have found myself a life in this one month or so. I have something to do everyday after work too. In fact, too much things to do. Even if he's gone from my life.. I still have many others.. I won't be as devastated as the previous times.

This feeling I have been experiencing the whole of today has been rather annoying.. I don' t know how to describe. I just hate it that I think I have sort of... a liking for a new He... yet another He... He is irritating me. hahaa..

I don't like myself to like any guys. NOT NOW!!!!! And because I know it's not gonna work out. and it's really not working out. sianz.. Short lived happiness...

***
Saturday was the day.

It was the day I surprised myself. I like him.

Saturday was real eventful.

Worked in the morning..

He brought me to JB straight after work. I haven't been there for years and years.

The little things. Sheltering me with his umbrella and getting wet himself. Subtly fanning me while we were waiting to pass the immigration. Holding me to cross the dangerous roads.

LATer that night.. we went home to change. He brought me to a happening pub. There were his friends. I drank quite a bit. He too.

All of us proceeded to yet another pub later. One where we can sing. I was going to sing a duet with him.. but there was only one microphone..So I was giggling most of the time and only sang bits of the song.

When we were there.. he suddenly gave me a lot of attention. TAlked to me a lot. Sat a lot closer. TAlked to me about himself. Wanting me to know him more. Then he drank more and more.. Then he kept persuading me to play pool. He kept playing funny guessing games with those girls there too. I refused to learn. No way am I going to shout and play those games like they do. Finger guessing games I think.

He asked me to keep his wallet and handphone for him in my bag. He said that there wouldn't be any girls calling him.

Later on.. when it was nearing 3am.. when the pub was closing.. I went out of the pub. Curious about the night life there at Boat Quay area. He came out with me. Then then then.. the chemistry came. I cannot describe what happeend with my lousy english.. haha... but it was rather exciting. I was rather embarrassed most of the time. I kept walking about. haha.. He said he cannot walk straight anymore. Need my help to hold him to the car. Then dunno how it happened that he just held my hand as if nothing happened. I withdrew my hand. haha

Then I walked away to seven eleven myself. Confused. When I came out.. he suddenly appeared at seven eleven and held my waist briefly. I walked away again.. haha

I had to hold him to walk to the car later. He wasn't walking straight. I stayed alert the entire time on the car. Gosh. Drunk driving he was doing....

We actually proceeded to DEvil' s Bar after that..

It was a super long day from work to JB to Shin to the next pub and then to devil's..

I needta go.. can't write anymore..

Anyway..the magic's sorta broken... write about it another time..

haha..this is the guy I told tempest i would never like. and he said i said it too soon. Wisdom.

It fluctuates..

I guess I was busy burying all the unhappy and happy past at the start.. I tried to busy myself with everyone else, with every thing else..

But those past events..they resurface after sometime..

Walking along Holland V can be an uncomfortable and depressing thing to do.. I would scan coffee bean to make sure he's not there before I would walk in.. I would close my eyes and think of some other stuff each time I know my bus or mrt train is going to past by Clementi and Dover.. EAting at Ajisen can make me choke on tears.. Many others..

it's weird.. I thought I already know that I would never be truly happy with him. I know that he will never give me happiness.. And yet..and yet.. I sometimes i wish back the past.. wish to continue from where we stopped..I want to slap myself liao. Why so irrational??? Why????

And everyone who told me that I should look for them if I ever need someone.. has been leaving me in the lurch..I don't want to care about anyone anymore. All these just show me again and again that it's best to depend on myself. Glad I'm more independent now.

*********

brought the little ones out. played basketball today. amazing. that i can still shoot and dribble.//that my ball sense is still ok.. *shrug***

"Why do some guys pay for girls and some not?"

I asked this question, out of the blue, earlier. He looked very amused, smiled and said nothing.

The intended question was actually why some guys pay for me while others not..

Maybe it's a silly question to you. I have several answers to this question.... Generosity, to impress, carries a torch for you, gentlemanly behaviour, just want to be nice to a friend....

Yea.. But which of these is the reason behind him giving me treats leh?

ACtually.. it doesn't quite matter..

Anyway..

In love with shoes from Exodus... Lovely!!!! But impractical... bah.. girls' shoes are like that, most of the time.

I still think that I am a girl..

And I am having regrets buying that coffee bean card................. Looks nice. But it isn't quite a good bargain after all..

I might be going JB this SAturday if nothing goes wrong... I haven't been there for years cos I am scared.... Cos the last time I was there... I witnessed daylight robbery..along with what friends have witnessed and the media reported.. Even my fren living in JB is afraid of her safety there.. Ya.. Me a scaredy cat at times...

I spent 20 bucks today.. Way to go.....

The little ones got back their report books.. I photocopied all of them.. Damn.. It means so much that they show improvement in their school work and that they have gained from coming to my place.... It means a real lot.. stressing me like mad.. I suddenly have more than ten children to worry about.

Lotsa touching scenes at work sometimes..You can just see how much the parents love their children and lavish love and money on them.

One of them has a serious problem.. She's born (issit born or borned or what.. bleah) with some intellectual disability. She has speech and motor difficulties too. Things are worsen by her character. She's playful and stubborn.

She's been performing way too badly in school that the principal and people from MOE and some other departments would be down to talk to her parents again, about sending her to a special school.. Her mother want to cry liao loh... to know that her daughter might have to go to a special school.. i tried my best to be tactful in helping her to look at the situation in a more positive manner... To me, the main obstacle to the girl doing well is not her born deficiencies..but her spoilt character. She's spoilt from birth, getting her way too many a times..

I was kinda touched.. felt a little like crying when talking to her mother who looked like she's gonna burst out crying any moment..

****

New things to do ---
1. Learn the new songs my friend sent me.
2. Make nice nice accessories for myself to wear.. haha.. saw a girl wearing some nice stuff on her wrist at church.. I also want! Shall attempt to create some for myself..No books to follow from. Follow my instincts.. hurhur..

Breakdown of today's expenditure

busfare to work $1.05
STraits times $0.80
mrt fare to TTSH $1.60 (estimated..I dunno how much lah..but far)
dinner at TTSH $3.50
cabfare back home $8.30


GrandTotal --- $14.25 (if my tired mind did the sums right)

Needta go downdowndown.. The last portion spent on cabfare was after much deliberation and internal struggle...... was falling asleep there at the hospital liao...


Time to call back all my holidaying students..

Time to decorate the little new extension.. It's basically just money losing taking the space now..I don't need it until January 2006.. Now.. i have to pay double the rent..and have one more place to clean up.. sian bo.. but then again.... the entire image of the centre will improve and thereby bring by more biz... blahblah..

I'm the cleaner, the interior designer, the operations manager, the sales rep, the marketing crew, the finance and accounts executive, the teacher, the children's playmate, and the whatwhat what

I think I have not much energy left to go visit my grandma tmr......


somone sent a text earlier today "of cos, an invitation from such a WONDERING girl, how can i reject." did he meant wonderful or really wondering..or wandering or what..

DON't FLIRT with me... DON:T try to tell me that I am good..don't tell me one moment that I am all special and interesting.. and ignore me the next. Go away all you who will hurt me with your irresponsible way of living life.

I have been spending at least 50 bucks a day.. And that's the minimal. Help!!!

Why?????

I have been going out a lot..Having way too may coffee sessions.. ktv sessions..movies... and eating out ALOT ALOT..at least two meals out a day...and transport! been travelling around likenever before..

and i have been engaging in way too much retail therapy!

All the money spent thinking that I will be a happier girl soon. I am actually.. But I'm really uneasy about this outflow of money...

Been getting cosmetics, clothes, new shoes etc.. want myself to look better... i've been ugly for too long.. I was at causeway point.. there was a 20% sale at metro which included the cosmetics! haha.. shiseido wasn't free to serve me.. so too bad.. i got impatient and walked away to i nouvi.. the i nouvi girl's a real babe. she's really pretty!!! i can't help admiring her face.. haha.. then i bought a couple of items from her.

Some frens have been giving me treats and free rides.. Though I usually pay them back in some other way by treating them to something else or insist on returning the money.

I need to read the papers.. GEtting way too ignorant.

A fren has been disappointing me a lot alot. But ya.. he can't get me down that much..bah.. I still don't know why he's distancing himself from me. He's alwways been there for me, with me these few years.. i dunno i dunno.. my fren's disappearing.. my fren doesn't want me anymore.. maybe, he thought that i want to be together with him, so he's running away. I thought i have already made myself clear that i won't be going into any relationships for sometime until i am very very sure? i need this time to improve myself.. to think of how i really want to lead my life.. how i can be happy....

he's even put me on his invisible list in his msn.. and not even reply my smses..

Generally, I am ok.

Sometimes.. I still feel unhappy though.. Some self defeating thoughts will seep into my mind.. thoughts about how lousy I am that he dumped me..and how he is attracted to some other girl.. what if i see him around with another girl now.. and all the shit. just sometimes.. memories of how he told me i have bad dress sense, how i lack sex appeal, how every good of mine becomes jus average in his eyes.

my grandma came down with a stroke. been visiting her at the hospital for the past few days... see her i want to cry.. i haven't been able to give her much yet..but ya.. i dunno if i am just immuned to unhappiness or that i recover real fast these days.. the moment i stepped out of the hospital, i don't think about her condition much anymore.

it doesn't matter that much now too each time someone disappoints me now too..

***

What if I tell you that I have been attending church recently? Went twice. LAst sunday and today. Made new friends. One of which seems like a good friend material.. would be real nice to have a close girlfren again! i doze off briefly during the sermon today though.. partly cos i was tired..partly cos.. i didn't like what was being preached today... it's not so relevant to us..not much impact.. unlike last week.

sometimes.. i still like myself a lot... my name -- means God's princess.. I found out some years back... nobody wants to treat me like his princess.. i shall be God's princess.. haha..

i'm not very religious or fervent now. i didn't suddenly turn to religion to escape. I'm too sleepy to explain now... niteee

I would have started this post exclaiming how happy I am now if not for a little disappointment that I am experiencing now.. So I was happy for nothing the whole weekend....*shrug*** Bah..Too personal.. can't say.

Let's see...i get this feeling that I have been doing a lot of things everyday. I get this feeling that the last time I went to the zoo was months back, even though it was just last Tuesday. EVeryday seem especially long.. Perhaps cos I wake up early clocking 6 hours or less sleep everyday.. I just noticed a deep laugh line on my face and many others under my eyes.

What did I do on Friday?

Oh.. A girlfren asked me out. We hung out at ... Holland V after my work. AGAIN.. Been going there a lot. It was a real nice night. When she isn't in one of those boycrazy mood, she's a real sweetie to be with. Big Black Face asked me out too.. but I was already out with my sweetie girl. STill glad..that.. there are actually two frens asking me out on the same day... Thank God... :)

What about Saturday...?

Hmm..Work in the morning. Went home to rest for a while..but couldn't sleep cos my phone kept ringing.. Bleah.. Met up two friends in the evening for KTV.. It was real expensive.. $30 per person for 3.5 hours.. This mustn't be good for me at all. My uni frens also asked me out.. But i couldn't meet all of them. Met up bearybear after that.. What stupid names I am giving my friends jsut for the sake of not calling them by their initials.. Stayed over at bearybear's place.. Looking forward to staying over again! :)

Sunday...

Had brunch with bearybear then went to a famous/notorious church. Gosh..The pastor's a very powerful speaker. I like him so much i might go back there again this Sunday. I mean.. he's the kind that is born with the gift of the gab.. haha.. He says very useful stuff.. I wanna go listen to him again..Saw quite a few old friends I know there. Made a few new friends too. More to come. But I don't want to be as fervent and as crazy about their church as they do.. I'm selfish... *shrug**
One of the girls I just got to know ask me out after the service.. We went to a mall.. she waited for me to do my books purchasing then we chatted quite a bit before I went home......

I'm so glad i'm getting a social life again.. I must bear in mind never to let it go....I love my darling friends.. I wanna be the lovely girl I used to be again.. better than before. I wanna earn more.. I wanna look better..present myself better.. feel better.. I must try to dislike less people..

I just came back from the pool and chit chat session with my uni classmate.

I never knew that I could enjoy myself again.. Serious.. I thought it would take real long.. ACtually, it is just a matter of who I meet.

I really enjoy talking to people who are mature and know a lot more than I do. Can learn a lot from them.

**GASTRIC*** too much cold coffee today. Cannot exceed one each day....

Way pass bed time.. DIE.... I have less than 5 hours of sleep left.

Btw.. I am so auntie.. I went popular and asked them for promotions. They gave me a catalogue. I am a Popular member.. wahaha. Anyway, a sale will start tomorrow. I shall do my purchases tomorrow.

Another happier moment.. Thank God.

I may not be attractive. May not be rich. But I can certainly love my partner genuinely and treat him very well. Take care of him and show him a lot of concern. Believe in him and be there for him. I can be even better, if you do not do things to bring out the bad in me. I'm good.

I'm writing again.. :)

going to meet Josh to play pool soon.. madness.. cos I am sleepy and I just went out once.. and I just told myself not to spend more money to sit still at home.. haha..

I just thought of many things I can do...

Swim! Aim to look good in my bikini.
Hit the gym again.. REason why I have been avoiding the gym this couple of weeks is cos it reminds me of that person.. Cos I used to accompany him to go gym.
Read! Read topics on happiness and parenting and education. :)
Watch TV.. It's something I really enjoyed that I didn't get to do much.
Think! Think of how to look prettier.. wahaha.. it's been a year since I was last attractive.
Sleep! This is tough... I have sleeping problems recently..
Work! I am wondering whether I should take on extra work... I have parents appraoching me to teach their kids after my usual work hours.. Got to think about it....

Loads more..

I needta go..

I need to learn to spend time by myself fulfillingly... Been going out quite a lot. If one friend has to leave half way, I will find another to accompany me for the rest of the day. I thought I shouldn't be alone. I thought I should keep myself real busy in the company of everyone. It's not working out.

Josh said that I should have told him earlier that I want to get out of Singapore. WE could have all gone JB at least..for today. Bleah..It's already 7pm now. Another time perhaps.

Recently.. some people have been adding to my existing hurt.. lowering my already low self-esteem. To this lot of guys, I say MOVE! Move off, idiots...

examples examples..

K may seem extra nice, calling me every night and sending me a number of smses, right from the early morning to the middle of the night. He was the one who took me to the zoo. I'm really grateful to him for everything, despite what I am about to tell you... When I talk to him, he tend to tell me about his girlfriend a lot ALOT.. He would tell me all about how he bought her a 5000 bucks diamond on top of many others. Today.. he was so disgusting.. HE told me that his girlfriend would be going over to his place because she wanted to MAKE LOVE. Gross right? Those are the exact words he used... EeeeeeE...Tell me for what. He always thinks that this sort of stuff would make me jealous.. But, honestly, I don't.. I am just disgusted.

Then there are some who like to ask me out and cancel right at the last minute. Sometimes, they don't even inform me that they won't be meeting me until I ask them again.. Idiots..There are some who have been taking advantage of my money too. It's my hard earned money. I'm not going to let such things happen again.

R.. the one I didn't choose one year ago when I chose to go out with JJ.. He's taking revenge on me, not so subtly he thinks.. He would go at lengths to tell me how much he wants me to be happy again and make me happy. Offered to bring me dinner but didn't have the least bit of intention to do so at all. I waited for two hours and asked him again if he were coming. He said not. Ha.. I had already eaten by then. Didn't trust him to do what he suggested he would. Note that I didn't ask him to do it. He wanted to do it himself. He would ask me to call him when i want to talk, but the two times I called him, he didn't want to talk to me. He would ask me out, but changed his mind without informing me until I find out for myself. Ha.. I don't need this sort of people in my life. I am in no wrong that I hurt his feelings in the past. Just because he liked me a lot then, didn't mean that I owed it to him to recipocrate. Something like now.. Just because I put in a lot of effort into my relationship, doesn't mean that JJ has to continue being with me..

I've been wondering how I can find my safe and secure haven in this world..How I'm going to live my life proper from now on. How I'm going to get my priorities right. No longer will a boyfriend be the most important in my life. I have some ideas... Will set out to do it this weekend.

I long for the day..when I would stop complaining in my blog, but tell all of you how happy my life is.. how much I love everyone around me.

**
EAch time I try to be a better girlfriend.. I get hurt worse than before.. OF cos.. I will still try to be a even better one the next time.. If that one nice and decent guy would love me truly and dearly that is..

I'm better today.. :O) Especially tonight. *shrug***

Most of the times.. I'm being hurt by the thought that he doesn't like me anymore and that he will soon be attracted to loads other girls..soon telling anotehr girl that he likes her.. Sigh..So scary.. That's us humans.. Feelings change, FAST. Please don't let me meet him in the streets for years to come.. Please don't..

Been spending way too much money. MEeting different friends everyday.. Gosh..

And it's high time to BEAUTY UP! suffering from low self esteem.. my hair sucks. must do something about it. and most importantly. i need rest. everyone says i look tired and unwell. I am.

Woke up at 6am.. For what??? Just a habit. Cannot get back to sleep..

Went to the Zoo..

Enjoyed looking at the monkeys behaviour.. the cute girraffes the handsome miniature horses..

Took few photos cos I have been looking bad.. I really should grow my hair long. This shoulder length hair doesn't suit me at all.. Look like an auntie..

STill very hurt.. Did more things to hurt myself today.

AFter my friend left to meet his girl, I called that idiot. He was terrible. Then I went to his house and waited for him to collect the one last thing I can take from him -- our photo album. It was horrid again.. God..I am slipping into depression.. I really hate him for the emotional torture. I really hate him. I asked him never to answer my phone calls again. NEver to reply my smses again. Let me get out of his life totally... That should be the last time I met him.

I am really unhappy. I am really unhappy.

Giddy.. Choked...

Btw.. I hate the name Chris. GEt away all you Crises..whatever.

Very painful.. Heart aching a lot. I don't know how.. I don't know what to do.. Don't know how to get well .. It's already been more than a week.. I guess the main reason is that I feel no more hope.... No more hope that I will ever get the love I want. NEver... How to??? Meeting all sorts of bad guys.. and the good guys don't like me..

Somebody save me.. Dont' ask me to save myself.. I am trying already.. Need help.. BAD,...