I finally attended church service again today.. though, I was half an hour late, missed a great part of praise and worship.

I realised that I can be feeling bad and on the brink of tears, but in front of JJ, I just don't feel that sad about anything, nor would I ever have the urge to cry...Feel like crying to scare him, check out his reaction.. wonder what it would take for me to burst out in tears before him. dunno.

But.... when I was in church today, the moment the band played "Power of your love", tears immediately started welling up! I tried very hard to curb the impending outburst. I thought to myself.. Am I touched by the song and music, or am I really touched by God? I can't decide. Some Christian songs are regarded as being "powerful", in that they can stir up very strong feelings in people, touching their hearts.. I think, sometimes, it's just the music. Or perhaps, God created music and made use of the musicians for this purpose - to touch His people. It depends on how you want to view this matter.

But, well it doesn't matter. Because, I decided to have faith that God exist and decided to believe that i don't have to feel him to believe that He exists. If God created the world, He's the Big Boss, and I His ignorant creation am but just his ignorant creation. Only I know what I am babbling.

JJ is a non believer. I guess one of his ex gfs might have been a Christian or what before, don't feel like confirming it with him. Because, he ever asked me to pray for him. Even when he didn't ask me to pray for him the period he was very sick, I did, and I told him that I did. Now, he's trying to discipline me to go for service on Sunday. I guess, it's all good. I have never invited him to church before. Sometimes I try to discuss a little about Christianity with him, with tact.

I feel that the best way to "promote Christianity" is to be a good testimony myself. Unfortunately, I am not... Another good way to promote is that when Christians gather, they share such a bond that others would envy and be more receptive to the religion. Absolutely no hard sell.

I must have sowed a seed in JJ somehow without realising it, perhaps one day it will germinate, and I think it will.

I feel uncomfortable that he is like the center of my life now. It's not good...

****

Will visit my Mommy tmr. Sometimes I feel that it's not that worth it to put in so much effort to love my bf, who finds quite a lot of fault with me, whose mother doesn't like me, who might just leave me because his mother doesn't like me.. I should care more about my family members, who have always been there. Blood ties are just stronger.

And.. I want to say that I have very bad ren2 yuan2 - human relations. But gosh, you will be amazed at the number of friends I have and the number of friends I bumped into when I go out..On the surface, it seems that I am very sociable, especially in JC. Still, I have very bad ren2 yuan2. And it's all because I don't smile enough and sometimes just too quiet..

I am a thinker. I am a thinker. And it's bad to be a thinker, because I think about all the wrong things. Ignorance is bliss at times. I have been psychoing myself not to think too much.

Today's interview was at a company that I really would like to work for. But, damn.. As usual, I discount myself during the interview. So, I won't get the job for sure. I know I am quite good, but I just can't convince pple that I am. Unless they know me personally. I guess I don't have very good ren2 yuan2 either, else more pple would have intro me jobs.

The interviewer today is female, AGAIN.. Can I get a male interviewer please??? pleasepleaseplease????? she was so bitchy. and she has something against me being more than 10 years younger than her, and kept on harping on it. and she wore jeans to interview me. :) how nice. at least, I wasn't underdressed.

You know how many females cannot get along with other females, but feel that they can get along better with guys. that's cos of female jealousy.... just one of the reason. other reason could be that girls like to whine quite a bit and talk nonsense that only guys who like them can put up with them. of cos, there are some other reasons..

anyway, some common nonsense from girls and woman alike--
1. appear to eat more than the guys, wanting to hear guys tell them that they eat a lot but still
slim.
2. keep saying that they are ugly or fat, just cos they want to hear the guys telling them that they are not.
3....

gosh.. i don't sound like a very nice girl to bitch about other pple this way. Bad bad Satin...

Things are fine between JJ and me again. It ended with we don't trust each other, but yet we still stick to each other, cos we love each other.. wah, sounds mushy.. but well, I wish I could be him one day, then I would know how much he loves me.. because, i just keep thinking that it isn't much.

looming dark clouds

I don't get it. What constitutes a private life? I am not with him 24 hours. He still does what he likes. He still watch his soccer, play his billiard, surf his net, and chat with his friends. What shit personal space does he want?

It's been 6 hours since we last contacted each other. Yea, a cold war is unofficially on. I have 3 interviews all timings clash with each other tomorrow. I am very stressed and unhappy that I am not getting a job. Has he been giving me any comfort at all? "Just send out more resumes" he said coldly.

Aiyah. Whatever.

One of the last kind of guys I want is those that demands privacy and personal space. He said I am just too afriad to be hurt. Of course! If I don' t protect myself, who would? No one would. I went through so much in the past. I am terrified of what guys can do to me. Personally witnessing rampant unfaithfulness, how could I not fear. I wouldn't feel this insecure with every single guy. But for him, yes. Because he already betrayed my trust twice in the 4 months we are together. Why does he still expect me to trust him blindly? He can love me a lot today, and be the very same person who hurt me like hell days later. It's so common. No blood relations, not much obligations.

I shall not blog anymore.....................

I was out celebrating my friend's birthday. The entire time, I was bothered, but couldn't quite show it. I checked my handphone throughout the entire time for his messages, but there were none.

I am depressed. Cheer up Girl, find a job and you will be happy. Just preoccupy with making money, money isn't going to break your heart. But boys will.

If you are single again. Cheer up. Go do what you always wanted to do. Work in the tourism industry!

God... my heart is crying again....

Okie..I guess I have written enough about how down in spirits I have been about getting that darn job.

I am still down. But I know I cannot wallow in self pity. I have to help myself, because no one is going to help me.

Also, since I know my plight is probably engendered by my slackness in job application, I am going to give myself one more month till the end of MArch. Oh, plus that fact that ill-disciplined me didn't prepare for my interviews. K..my fault my fault. I know perfectly what to do, but just not do it. From now till then, would be more diligent in sending out applications. If I haven't gone for any second round of interview by then, I am going to cry to Mommy and ask her to sack one of her shop assistants, because I would be taking over.

Friends are still asking me why I am not joining Philips Capital or Prudential, missing out the promise of great income. That's not the kind of job scope I like and I really don't want to spend a few years of my life that way, albeit the money is attractive.

I am going to get a formal bag. Fancy a brown leather one at takashimaya bag's department. Unknown brand and quality that is going to cost me 70plus dollars. Hmm.. But, just buy lah. I hate borrowing things from people. And yes, I really hate borrowing things from people.

By the way, I opened a CPF transaction account today. JJ was irritated and against it. According to him he is more down to earth and all the shit. Oops.. Vulgar. Don't bother to refute him anymore. I am not going to listen to him about this. It's my money anyway. I don't control his expenditure on comics, billiard and toys. Boy, he really spends a lot alot on comics and toys!!

Bah.

I am doubting my self worth again.

Everyone thinks I am not good enough to work for them??!

Very very very sad..........

Going to pray. Then go to sleep.

I shall not ask my friends whether they have found work, because everyone I asked, have. I shall not ask anymore.

I don't want to know anything. I don't want to speak to anyone. I shall block them away from my msn messenger list. I shall hide from everyone. This way, I can live happier, albeit I may be just plain self deluding.

**WailS****!

The actual standard of our english cannot really be judged from what is written in some of our blogs, cos after all, some of us just type casually.

Feeling a little lost when I woke up today. No work, unemployed again. Still cannot decide whether to buy a formal bag and clothes for my coming interviews. Perhaps, I should really invest some money into one complete attire, just one and wear it to all interviews.

Mommy called me yesterday and asked me how my last interview went, asked me about my job search. Told her nobody wants to give me a job, asked her to give me one...

And, I was rather upset with my most recent interview that I threw away the magazine they gave me. The magazine is one of the two the company publishes. It's ok not to be called up for the second interview or get this job. IT will be tough having to live up to their expectations for a first job.

What is wrong with wanting a starting salary of more than 2000bucks when I am a business marketing fresh graduate? What is wrong?? I am being described as asking for too much. Hello??? I am sure whatever I do can earn the company many times more. And, if I were to work for myself, I would get more than this amount.
***

Earlier, I had a conversation on msn with JJ. Part of it went..

Me: darling.. u must tell me honestly... do i look worse with contact lens and make up? because make up looks bad with bad complexion... and i look tired...

JJ: NO. if not i wldnt hav said u look so sexy at zouk that dae

Me: zouk very dark u cannnot see clearly mah

JJ: can.. who say cannot. u knw.. whenever u looked up at me..u looked so... dunno hw 2 say... like i'm so attracted 2 u

JJ: wanna eat u up

Me: it's like the first time i ever hear u say that u r attracted to me

**

By the way, I don't like to come up with a title, since the content of every entry never has a theme.

Today is going to be the last day of my temp job. Feel a little sad that it is coming to an end. I must have known at least 20 new people from the resort hotels, island development people etc..

I didn't quite try to grasp the opportunities offered to me. I was mostly myself and did not try to impress anyone of my calibre, especially my direct ' superiors'. Among these people, my direct superiors are the ones that I bothered least with. Not that I don't like them, just that our difference in positions just make me feel a little awkward to totally being myself when with them. Whatever whatever.

Anyway, I realise that some guys like to 'touch' me here and there (not sensitive areas) when speaking to me. Sounds misleading, let me explain further. It's like when they speak to me, they will come into contact with my hair, arm, hand, back etc briefly.. Aiyah, too friendly lah. If JJ sees it , he will be pissed.

Yesterday, one of the visitors to the booths kept saying that he likes the way I pronounce the word "tour" and proceeded to try to mimic me. I was pretty amused of course.

Some small triumphs in life really make me realise that I have grown up and half ready to step into the tough working world. Just in case any of those people happen to chance upon my blog, I shall not describe them.

And... a part of me has always thought of going into the tourism industry. This part has been further augmented through this temp job when they are all from the industry. IT really means a lot to me to see the world and experience life beyond Singapore. This would be the most economical and efficient way. But, I am not single. There is JJ... and our relationship is just not strong enough for me to weather such conditions. First, he will oppose the job. Eventually, he will feel so lonely that I am often not around that he will look to his other friends, including his tons of female friends for company and God knows who else. I don't know. I have no faith in him, and I know I am not being paranoid or pessimisitic, but realistic with regards to this issue. So depressing, shall not talk about it anymore.

Why do I keep meeting R everywhere I go? Can he just disappear? Met him when I go Zouk, Orchard.. Each time I will make sure he doesn't see me. I can imagine that I would stand before him, feel nauseous, feel disgusted with myself. I cannot come to terms with the fact that I have once liked him so much before. A screw must have gone loose. An example to exemplify my point. He and his friends would go Pierce Reservoir's carpark to watch couples make out in their cars there. According to him, his friends suggested, so he went along. Aw.. I am totally disgusted. He does a lot other loserfied stuff. Thank God JJ came along, else I might have gotten together with R!!!! Eeeeks!!!! I had the best bf in the world --my first bf, but I didn't treasure him.. So, sigh.. *shrug** Thus everything that happened and is happening after my first relationship...

**
At the recent interview I went to. Two ladies interviewed me. Freaked me out. One the human resource manager, the other acting sales and marketing director. Anyway, they suddenly commented that I looked very different from the photo in my resume which I looked very sweet in. Wah lau.. hahaha.. Sigh.. I admit the photo looks not bad. I wore spectacles, a sweet smile and the colours helped to0..instead of the usual black suit against blue or white background, I was wearing light yellow, against hot pink backdrop with red specs and blusher and bright hair. You get the picture. I looked more "alive" and cheerful.

But that also implies that I look like shit in real life. In the past, people tell me that I look a lot better in person and I should stop discounting myself with my photos. But, now, it seems I look better in photos. Not just because of the interview incident. I already tried not to put my best photo in my resume. I had a few better ones, but didn't want there to be too much of a difference when they see me in person.

By the way, I have been confidently telling the entire world I am effectively billingual all these years. I just realised I am not anymore. In fact, my command of both chinese and english has deteriorated!! I was a natural distinction girl for Chinese since my PSLE all the way through Olevels and Alevels, without having to try much. I know my inadequacy in both written and spoken english and thus try to improve myself. And I succeeded, because I was regarded as being eloquent in English by peers and all. But my standard has been sliding bad for English. Due to the attention given to English, I haven't spoken much or read much Chinese such that I have difficulty in this language as well now. You get what I mean. Aarghh..Time to do something about this.

So...I went to buy "I" magazine and started reading aloud yesterday night. Hiaks.. hahahhaha... Today, I shall be more concious of the English I speak, and interact with some people in Chinese more fluently.

wow..I took half an hour to type this. Gosh..

I know it's just a one week temp job. But gosh! I am meeting all sorts of people and I am hoping that some of them will turn into my gui4 ren2. I am having people's help in my job search, making a lot of new friends, getting discounts and free upgrade to seaview rooms if I want to go Bintan. Woohoo!

But, I am sick of Bintan liao. Would like to travel to the States, Europe etc to OPEN MY EYES, widen my perspectives. This is one reason why I am so anxious about looking for a job -- all for my dreams.

Dawn asked me if I ever put on make up like lipstick, lip gloss etc.. hmm.. she herself doesn't too mah.. I think, I think... is she thinking that if I put on make up, I could possibly attract guys to our booth? Very very funny.. If I Am not pretty, I am not, more make up will not make much of a difference.

Earlier, I lao1 yu2 sheng1 with JJ, his mom, and his mom's friend.

I am just not the kind who will shout auspicious stuff and well wishes aloud during this activity. So, I nudged JJ and asked him to say for me. He said, " ***** find a job soon" So boring... hee..

Then JJ's mom was saying stuff like "I want to marry in my daughter-in-law soon." "I want grandchildren soon." JJ was nonchalant with regards to this. I am getting this feeling that he would only want to get married at a very late age and he might not actually want me as his wife after all. Ya, I am looking for a husband, not a boyfriend. He better not waste my youth...

Anyway, I have been wondering all day, when this lao1 yu2 sheng1 thing started and how it evolved and where it originated from. Was enlightened by the uncle. Sleeepy sleepy..Don't want to explain, you people might have already known though.

Today, is my first day of work -- partime. Dawn asked me to put on more make up tomorrow. Hmm, I seriously wonder why. It's not the first time she commented about my "grooming" aspects. IT's really weird lah, cos she never ever puts on make up. More make up in the sweltering hot weather outside NGee Ann City will worsen my breakout. Not worth it. Anyway, it's dumb to put on make up when I am wearing spectacles.

My friend came to take over me at 7.30pm. He rushed all the way from school. He said, "Anything for you" Kept hurrying me to go, cos JJ was there waiting. ACtually, JJ hates this friend of mine. Cos, in my bintan photos, this guy put his arm round my shoulder. But hey! He puts his arm round anybody -male or female, taking photos with him! Well, if another girl go all physically close to him in photos, I will kick up a fuss too.. Sigh..Can we just grow up!!??

**

So after work, we went Changi Airport's Swensens. Queue for one hour before we can eat. Not that there are a lot of people, just that Swensen staff are really low in productivity tonight.

JJ bought me bird's nest and a pink panty with a lot of hearts. Hahaha.. Interesting.

I bought him a pair of casual slippers (dark blue and baby blue, cos I have a thing for baby blue now) and boxer shorts.

We are not supposed to exceed 30 bucks in our gifts. Ya, I had wanted a simple affair. Not expensive presents, no expensive meals just Subway, no flowers and all. But well.. Ya, I actually don't like to carry flowers and walk along the streets. Totally embarrassing to me.

I thought there should be children (lovely boys and girls) selling flowers on the streets. The boys should dress in little tuxedos or suits with bow ties with hair smartly gelled up carrying baskets of flowers. While little girls wear those fluffy princessy dresses walking with they boys. One boy, one girl, go up to couples and ask them to buy flowers. :) You will feel happy buying from them. :)

I also thought that it's really dumb for those marketers to think that girls like hot pink, therefore, launch products in hot pink Hello? Can't they see that their competitors are using hot pink too? A real lack of differentiation and creativity. If you aren't going to be the first to lauch, don't. USe something like baby blue, lemon yellow, electric blue, flaming shades of red..whatever lah. Just dun be the same. Think of Lacoste perfume, Lancome's Miracle range and some others.. Sigh.. Ha.. Someone here talking like she's damn smart. Shut up and go Sleep, hag...

update

Been staying at my other house here in the West for the past few days, hence not use the computer.

Had a lot of steamboat, 5 times in total this CNY.

Went to Zouk with JJ. Just me and JJ on the first day of CNY. I didn't expect there to be a crowd. Phuture was as usual, leaving noone with space to dance or breathe. Was at mambo. I thought, that we might be bored since there were only 2 of us. But, it was one of the best ever!! :O) I said he was charming the daylights out of me, dancing n singing n giving me all his attention. He said that I was really sexy dancing. Hahahahhaha..

Had a bbq at home today. Happy that my food came out all yummy..

This CNY, the common comments I have received are that I am very slim, my hair looks great, my bags look great, my shoes look great, my clothes look great, where did I buy them... but, what happen to my face... Everyday, some relatives would be shocked and asked me what happen to my face. My 13 year old cousin innocently blurted out that I look so very ugly. But, JJ had been smiling to me all this while. I asked him, "My face is so ugly now, do u still love me?" He would be nice and told me that not to be silly... Seriously, I feel so ugly, I feel like being all single, until one day my face ever recover, if it ever recovers...

I really hope this relationship works out well, that he will never walk away from me, cos I have no more energy and heart left to nurture another relationship.... Putting my best foot forward already.

Oh.. I went Bintan. The beach at Bintan Lagoon was great--looks exactly like what I see in professional photos. Hey, I feel I got quite a bit out of this temporary job. I got a free tour to Bintan and at least two good new friends plus a bit of spare cash. But I am nervous about this job. Because, it's totally opposed my character to go up to strangers during roadshow and sell Bintan to them. Ya, but I have to rise up to the ocassion and be responsible, I would just have to pretend... and hope it goes fine.. I have to wear this ugly oversized yellow orange polo tee for the whole of this week in Orchard. Hmm... God bless..God bless..

And oh, I have been very annoyed with my friends working at Philips Capital. I feel made use of, and it is true that they see me as their sources of income, and kept calling me every now and then to check out if I started working, if I am going to work in the marketing line, cos if I earn little, they would earn little too, and they keep asking me for referrals. They eye on everyone associated with me, my sister, mother and friends etc. And I even argued with one of them when she was very unhappy and blamed me for not giving her any referrals. I am so damn fuming with regards to this issue. Sure, I need insurance. But guess what, I am so pissed that I am not going to buy from them, but from other friends who never bug me instead.

I have yet to hear any guy finding mules goodlooking.

Mules -- Not donkeys I am referring to. They are those kind of heels with sharp fronts. Most guys think they look witchy.

Heck..

I bought a pair of black mules from VNC today. *Jumps for Joy**

Actually, I don't know why shoe stores always run out of Size 8.. pissed... My black mules is Size9. Heehaha..What gigantic feet I have. When the ground shakes, I won't topple that easily..Ok Crap..

**********

It's 2.30am.. The noise of cats making out piercing through the night air.. *I'm a little grossed out**

***********

Looking forward to the Bintan trip. Going there with two strangers -- Dawn n Nicholas. Lovee Dawn! But I would have to make sure I am 'hyper' that day and for the week of work. Hey people, come pass by my booth in ORchard Chingay week! At least, I would have an easier time talking to friendly yous..

I hope Nicholas is friendly and single. No, I am not interested in him. If he's single, then he can help me do the night shift on 14th February. JJ is so pissed that I have to work on that night.

What shall I get him for Vdae? In the morning, when he checks his email at work, he will receive a mail from me -- absolute sexy photos of Me me ME.. What if he doesn't find the photos sexy.. :( Well, at least he gets a Surprise and a good laugh. Good idea right? Haha.. I will consider.

"I love you"
doesn't seem like enough
for someone who's always been there
to celebrate with me
when everything goes my way
and to hold my hand
whne my whole world
seems to be falling apart

"I love" doesn't seem like enough for someone whose smile still brightens my day,
whose touch can make me forget
the rest of the world

"I love you"
doesn't quite tell you
how much I always look forward to being with you
how mepy my wolrd would be without you

But even though "I love you"
doesn't quite express
the depth of my feelings for you,
I hope you somehow know what's in my heart.
Because loving you
means more to me
than anything in the world
ever has...
or ever will.

~~ This was written on the cover of a card given to me 15th August 2004. One of those things I found when searching for my passport.

My relationship hasn't progressed to that stage though... Hope it will soon..

***

Why does it still hurt me so?

I went SMU today with Koala to collect my transcript and certificate, had lunch with Koala and we strolled a little at Botanical Gardens, admired the swans, the birds, the trees....the serenity of it all.

Remember I went for two interviews, one for a temporary job and another full time job. The temporary job requires me to promote Bintan Resorts at a road show for the week from 14th Feb at Orchard for Chingay. My friendly interviewer called me up today that they have decided to select me for the job. For a temporary job like this, they went through a seemingly serious recruitment process. Shan't elaborate. By the way, before I sleep yesterday, I was praying that they won't select me.. I was expected to be very outspoken, a total extrovert who will mingle with the crowd that passes by the booth..

Anyway, I would be going Bintan for a familiarisation trip on Monday. So, I was searching high and low for my passport for the past few hours. It must be in the top right quarter of my wardrobe where I store all my past letters, cards and other items for memory's sake. So, I had to look into each box there.

Rummaging through my stuff, I have no choice but to come in face with those stuff from my past 2 boyfriends. The 2nd relationship was crap, so it doesn't affect me now..It would be real interesting if I could take a picture of those cards my boyfrens had made for me in the past. So cute. But.. hee readership so low, I shan't bother lah.

When I came to the boxes containing stuff associated with my first boyfren.. tears immediately stream down my face.. There were among them, the medals in won in JC, his outstanding CCA award badges, the letters he sent from Hongkong, the books where we write to each other in, hand made cards, the cassette tape which he recorded what he wanted to tell me which I used to play a few times a day just to listen to his voice, air tickets to/from hongkong, the neoprints he took of himself to send to me in Singapore.. lots n lots of things.. He was a Hongkonger. Why does everything still hurt me so... ? I can never forgive myself for being the one to ruin that perfect relationship time and again. I have never stopped reproaching myself for my past mistakes..

In one of the cards, he drew Mashi MAro. He used to say, " I am Mashi Maro leh, I win." May sound stupid to you pple, but there was a point of time, I thought he resembles MAshi Maro. I bought a gigantic Mashi MAro soft toy for him which he brought to hongkong and hugged to sleep each night. After the break up, he told me he had kept everything related to me in boxes, kept them away.

No.. I really shouldn't mention about him again. I have a strong urge to throw everything related to him away so that I can move on with my life. He has finally managed to move on with his life. We broke up that December 2002 in Hongkong..He flew to Singapore twice afterwards in hope of remedying our relationship, but it was too broken.. We are both too hurt to love each other again. He has already moved on with his life, the past hurts him no more. Why do I still live in regret and feel utmost misery each time I get reminded of the past?

A few weeks ago, he came to Singapore again with the girl he got together with after our break up. He didn't tell me. I didn't know. He even came to the neighbourhood of my house. He didn't want to let me know. I only knew it that fateful night MSN had problems and I had to use ICQ. He icqed me that he came and left..without me knowing.. He came Singapore, met everyone but me.. We were so close in the past. I was like his kin here. We were the beneficiary to each other's insurance plans. I loved him with all my heart. Now we can't even be friends. We will never be friends. I told him I would never allow him to hurt me again.. I want to protect myself now..

I think it's really dumb of me to keep reproaching myself and assuming all the blame for what had happened. But the pain and sadness I feel are uncontrollable!!! The mere thought of him can cause tears to stream down.. I don't cry easily... Seriously. I don't.

JJ never want to know what went on in my past two relationships. But I wish he would know the hurt I have been through in the past and I wish he could understand and nurse my past wounds..I wish he could tell me not to be sad because from now onwards, he would love me and give me happiness. But he was mad when my eyes were swollen from crying because of my first bf. I told him about the icq conversation and how I am still trapped in past hurts at times. He was angry and upset. Instead of consolation and promises that he would love me so much that everything else in the past wouldn't matter, instead of these, I have to resolve the consequent argument between us. I guess I can understand that it would be hard for him to be so magnanimous,(whatever the spelling).. If I put myself into his shoes, I can understand why he is upset and angry with me. Guess this just goes to show that there's still a long way to go in terms of the maturity and depth of this relationship.

Please hurt me no more, you ghosts of yesterdays..

Let tonight be the final grief and never will I look back again..Can I?

I am not a girl anymore

I went for an interview at a events management company today.

The interviewer is soo nice.. First time, I ever met a pleasant and non-intimidating interviewer.

Thank God. Unlike the interview at Knight Frank previously with that intimidating woman.

Really hope I get the job.

****

Sobz..I just realised I am not a girl anymore..

Going 23 --- into the woman's category.. I want to be a girl.I still want to be a girl...
**kicks up a big fuss***

I look like a school kid when I don on corporate attire. Just don't exude that nu3 qiang2 ren2 aura. Oh, I cannot wear blue shirts. I really look like a kid in blue shirts.

Looking forward to shopping for work clothes!! A different kind of charm. Marks my official entry into adulthood. Only now do I consider myself an adult.

My $169 splurge at Sasa today -- I am tired of looking ugly. It better work.

Do you all remember this magnetic toys? I played with them when I was still a kid! Saw them at kiddy palace. :) I gave the purple kitten and green dog to JJ.

Works this way..

Do I still have a chance?

I did something wrong in the past. I am so afraid that it would come back and haunt me and I would have to suffer terrible consequences for it.. I am really repentant. I have really changed for good this time. But still...

This, I can really tell no one. Just praying hard everyday that I have changed just in time, and still be given a chance to live the rest of my life normally.

But recently, something has gone wrong. I am so afraid that it is due to my past misdeeds. I am really freaking out! Just continue praying everyday... Only God knows..

***
I have an interview for a temporary job tomorrow, as well as a permanent job later in the day. The permanent job is rather far from ideal. Though it says that they are looking for a marketing executive, well.. everyone's got loose definition of what marketing is about.

*******

I hope I am really given another chance to lead my days normally for the rest of my life.

Living my days in fear...