Why does it still hurt me so?

I went SMU today with Koala to collect my transcript and certificate, had lunch with Koala and we strolled a little at Botanical Gardens, admired the swans, the birds, the trees....the serenity of it all.

Remember I went for two interviews, one for a temporary job and another full time job. The temporary job requires me to promote Bintan Resorts at a road show for the week from 14th Feb at Orchard for Chingay. My friendly interviewer called me up today that they have decided to select me for the job. For a temporary job like this, they went through a seemingly serious recruitment process. Shan't elaborate. By the way, before I sleep yesterday, I was praying that they won't select me.. I was expected to be very outspoken, a total extrovert who will mingle with the crowd that passes by the booth..

Anyway, I would be going Bintan for a familiarisation trip on Monday. So, I was searching high and low for my passport for the past few hours. It must be in the top right quarter of my wardrobe where I store all my past letters, cards and other items for memory's sake. So, I had to look into each box there.

Rummaging through my stuff, I have no choice but to come in face with those stuff from my past 2 boyfriends. The 2nd relationship was crap, so it doesn't affect me now..It would be real interesting if I could take a picture of those cards my boyfrens had made for me in the past. So cute. But.. hee readership so low, I shan't bother lah.

When I came to the boxes containing stuff associated with my first boyfren.. tears immediately stream down my face.. There were among them, the medals in won in JC, his outstanding CCA award badges, the letters he sent from Hongkong, the books where we write to each other in, hand made cards, the cassette tape which he recorded what he wanted to tell me which I used to play a few times a day just to listen to his voice, air tickets to/from hongkong, the neoprints he took of himself to send to me in Singapore.. lots n lots of things.. He was a Hongkonger. Why does everything still hurt me so... ? I can never forgive myself for being the one to ruin that perfect relationship time and again. I have never stopped reproaching myself for my past mistakes..

In one of the cards, he drew Mashi MAro. He used to say, " I am Mashi Maro leh, I win." May sound stupid to you pple, but there was a point of time, I thought he resembles MAshi Maro. I bought a gigantic Mashi MAro soft toy for him which he brought to hongkong and hugged to sleep each night. After the break up, he told me he had kept everything related to me in boxes, kept them away.

No.. I really shouldn't mention about him again. I have a strong urge to throw everything related to him away so that I can move on with my life. He has finally managed to move on with his life. We broke up that December 2002 in Hongkong..He flew to Singapore twice afterwards in hope of remedying our relationship, but it was too broken.. We are both too hurt to love each other again. He has already moved on with his life, the past hurts him no more. Why do I still live in regret and feel utmost misery each time I get reminded of the past?

A few weeks ago, he came to Singapore again with the girl he got together with after our break up. He didn't tell me. I didn't know. He even came to the neighbourhood of my house. He didn't want to let me know. I only knew it that fateful night MSN had problems and I had to use ICQ. He icqed me that he came and left..without me knowing.. He came Singapore, met everyone but me.. We were so close in the past. I was like his kin here. We were the beneficiary to each other's insurance plans. I loved him with all my heart. Now we can't even be friends. We will never be friends. I told him I would never allow him to hurt me again.. I want to protect myself now..

I think it's really dumb of me to keep reproaching myself and assuming all the blame for what had happened. But the pain and sadness I feel are uncontrollable!!! The mere thought of him can cause tears to stream down.. I don't cry easily... Seriously. I don't.

JJ never want to know what went on in my past two relationships. But I wish he would know the hurt I have been through in the past and I wish he could understand and nurse my past wounds..I wish he could tell me not to be sad because from now onwards, he would love me and give me happiness. But he was mad when my eyes were swollen from crying because of my first bf. I told him about the icq conversation and how I am still trapped in past hurts at times. He was angry and upset. Instead of consolation and promises that he would love me so much that everything else in the past wouldn't matter, instead of these, I have to resolve the consequent argument between us. I guess I can understand that it would be hard for him to be so magnanimous,(whatever the spelling).. If I put myself into his shoes, I can understand why he is upset and angry with me. Guess this just goes to show that there's still a long way to go in terms of the maturity and depth of this relationship.

Please hurt me no more, you ghosts of yesterdays..

Let tonight be the final grief and never will I look back again..Can I?