I finally attended church service again today.. though, I was half an hour late, missed a great part of praise and worship.

I realised that I can be feeling bad and on the brink of tears, but in front of JJ, I just don't feel that sad about anything, nor would I ever have the urge to cry...Feel like crying to scare him, check out his reaction.. wonder what it would take for me to burst out in tears before him. dunno.

But.... when I was in church today, the moment the band played "Power of your love", tears immediately started welling up! I tried very hard to curb the impending outburst. I thought to myself.. Am I touched by the song and music, or am I really touched by God? I can't decide. Some Christian songs are regarded as being "powerful", in that they can stir up very strong feelings in people, touching their hearts.. I think, sometimes, it's just the music. Or perhaps, God created music and made use of the musicians for this purpose - to touch His people. It depends on how you want to view this matter.

But, well it doesn't matter. Because, I decided to have faith that God exist and decided to believe that i don't have to feel him to believe that He exists. If God created the world, He's the Big Boss, and I His ignorant creation am but just his ignorant creation. Only I know what I am babbling.

JJ is a non believer. I guess one of his ex gfs might have been a Christian or what before, don't feel like confirming it with him. Because, he ever asked me to pray for him. Even when he didn't ask me to pray for him the period he was very sick, I did, and I told him that I did. Now, he's trying to discipline me to go for service on Sunday. I guess, it's all good. I have never invited him to church before. Sometimes I try to discuss a little about Christianity with him, with tact.

I feel that the best way to "promote Christianity" is to be a good testimony myself. Unfortunately, I am not... Another good way to promote is that when Christians gather, they share such a bond that others would envy and be more receptive to the religion. Absolutely no hard sell.

I must have sowed a seed in JJ somehow without realising it, perhaps one day it will germinate, and I think it will.

I feel uncomfortable that he is like the center of my life now. It's not good...

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Will visit my Mommy tmr. Sometimes I feel that it's not that worth it to put in so much effort to love my bf, who finds quite a lot of fault with me, whose mother doesn't like me, who might just leave me because his mother doesn't like me.. I should care more about my family members, who have always been there. Blood ties are just stronger.

And.. I want to say that I have very bad ren2 yuan2 - human relations. But gosh, you will be amazed at the number of friends I have and the number of friends I bumped into when I go out..On the surface, it seems that I am very sociable, especially in JC. Still, I have very bad ren2 yuan2. And it's all because I don't smile enough and sometimes just too quiet..

I am a thinker. I am a thinker. And it's bad to be a thinker, because I think about all the wrong things. Ignorance is bliss at times. I have been psychoing myself not to think too much.