A kind friend's spending tomorrow with me. MEeting an insurance agent with me first, then going to the zoo and don't know what else. Zoo.. It would beat going shopping and movies at this time.

This kind friend probably told his girlfriend that his friend (me) is in bad shape and he's trying to help. **shrug**

This kind friend has always been there to listen to me when I needed someone badly. He bombarded my handphone with smses at 2am this morning. Saying some stuff like,

"Can't sleep. just thinking. feel bad that i can't do much for you. you are limping a bit today. hopefully your feet will be ok soon.u know what makes you unique besides your sweet voice? captivating eyes and luscious lips....."

guess what? he's calling me now, phone lah. need to go. continue the next time. anyway.. I won't break his relationship. so, don't worry that i am might be selfishly creating trouble for others.

I met up with him for lunch earlier today and it was real bad. He told me all sorts of stuff that really hurt me.. Hope his car gets scratches tomorrow. What the fuck is wrong with him for chasing me trying to make me believe that he loves me a lot at the start and that he will change to someone suitable for me? He told me that I was just a companion that he tried hard to love more but couldn't.

Can't describe how i felt with my bad english. Chest felt stuffy. Felt giddy and all.. Heart wrenched.. Bah. Hope his car gets bumped into tomorrow, when he is driving another girl.

********************

I have been corresponding with a stranger through email. He didn't tell me his age..From the looks of his friendster photos, I'm thinking that he's probably 35 years old or more. He asked me out on the coming public holidays.. I'm hesitant now..

He asked me why I have been removing photos from my friendster, down to only one now. He said that I used to have quite a few. I mean this is real strange you know. Cos the last time I have a few photos up on friendster is months ago. How he knows??


Dunno lah..Been attracting nobody but uncles.. Serious.. An uncle kept smiling and looking at me on the mrt yesterday. So pissed. It must be cos of my tired and haggard look that they mistake me for a young looking auntie. Whatever nonsense..

These days..I go around looking tired, pale and my eyes puffy and red. Too much crying. Too little sleep.

There is a lot on my mind that I want to blog down, but... no energy liao..

Was out with two friends from Uni days..

AT first..it was horrid. Everything I saw in ORchard reminded me of HIM.. I still find it hard to accept that he's abandoned me for good. So heartless. I still wish all the bad to his damn car. But.. I realised earlier that I do miss him. Cos while a person can be horrid most of the time, he was nice at times too. But I don't want to remember the nice stuff. Not now at least.

Anyway..later in the meet up.. I had a good chat with the two, especially one of them. We talked about my work. It's really great being about to talk to someone who understands what I am doing now. He made me feel purposeful and more hopeful. I just enjoy chatting with some business students.

And..for the first time in many days, someone finally paid attention to the pain I have been suffering from at the back of my feet. A pair of new shoes had hurt my feet so much that it left a lot of painful wounds. Bathing has been a painful affair. He noticed it and showed some concern. Thank God for these friends..

Having been listening to some advice.. I know what kind of guy that suits me..that I will feel happy together with.

Not sure if this particular kind exists around me though..Not sure if I should blog about it too.

**

You know..I really don't dare to listen the new Gigi Leung album I bought. I was listening to it with him when I bought it. It was even played in his car for sometime..So afraid to hear her songs now... I know I will burst out crying again if I listen to them. I don't dare to visit his friendster page at all.. I don't want to see what I don't want to see....Bah.. More scratches and bumps to his precious car please. Sure piss him off big time. And misery loves company. I am not nice. I don't want to be nice to someone who's been horrible.

Have been tiring myself out bad.

The way to fall asleep is to wear myself out or cry my heart out. Crying saps all the energy out of me making me real drowsy.

And so I have too starved of sleep to concentrate on any particular train of thought for long too. Which is in a way a good thing. Can't think much even if I want to think.

*Very sleepy**

I have something to look forward to tonight. Meeting up a girlfren. Been keeping my fingers crossed that she won't cancel the appointment right at the last minute. This is what people have been doing to me of late.. I have a friend who told me that he would be too busy to meet up until the end of the year. He's awfully busy with church. Way too fervent. He asked me to join him. Sigh.. I might you know.. if I really get worse.

I have been fulfilling my work responsibilities as per normal. EVen been playing with the children. Soccer. Badminton. Chinese Chess. REading a lot with them. blahblah..Quite reluctant to put in anymore. But.... the 'new extension' is almost ready! WAnt me to die..The renovation has started and I would have to do a lot of cleaning up plus decorating plus shopping for more work stuff next week. I feel sad that I have to do this alone. I wish someone who loves me would help me out. Note that I do not mind the tough work at all. I just wish someone were there to go through all these changes in my life with me, even if he just sit there and not lift a finger to help, it will be fine.

I wish someone would love me truly and dearly..

wait long long

btw.. hope my frens don't ask me much about my work. I don't like talking about it to my frens -- frens that went to the same schools as me.. just not that proud of my job.

And I wish that idiot bad luck that he may never have any girl who will care for him much. That he can continue dwelling in his numerous superficial relationships and whatever lah. yea.. i have a strong vindictive streak in me. You cannot imagine life when I can't talk about my work to him cos he thinks it affects his mood, but he would go on and on about his work and life. Always criticising me. Always finding faults with me. Selfish brat. I hope his car continue to suffer from more scratches and bumps. Fuck the credit card, the car, the handsome face, the career, the mba and all the shit. I never thought much about his looks anyway. IT's those girls that keep sending him messages telling him to stay handsome. kenasai .btw.. he blamed me yesterday for causing him too much frustration that he didn't park his car properly and bumped into a pole. I bet it's only a slight bump. I am positive it's only a slight bump. I wasn't even there with him how can he blame me?

I better stop my cursing.. lest I get retribution.

Why are most of friends busy with school now?

Why are those working lot cancelling meet ups with me at the very last minute so so often now?

Why are break ups so hard?

Fuck him. WAste my time and youth and emotions and life and everything. I wish to tell him that I have long been very disappointed with him (in the very first week together.) and that I have never loved him much. I tried very hard to be nice to him and looked as if I loved him only because he happened to be my boyfriend and I hate break ups and change of boyfriends.. and I just want my relationship to work out and not die.....Selfish brat.

I can go on and on about what an idiot he has been during the relationship. How I slept on the floor on the very thin mattress and let him have the bed sometimes. How I stayed up to help him type assignments even though I was sleepy. nevermind.. it's totally no good to list this sort of stuff.

I need some hope.

I'm still sad lah.

I still hate him lah.

I know I know.. Hating him only burdens me..Holding on to the past also burdens me.. It will just make my life worse..and I shouldn't let him worsen my life than it already is right? I shouldn't go around with swollen and puffy eyes just because of him right? Shouldn't go around looking like shit and sobbing every now and then...

should get alife and live even better than before and blahblahblah right?

i don't feel like it you know.. Part of me still wants to dwell in this shit. Dwell in self empathy.

I know it's good that it ended..cos it has been a long painful year of relationship. Still... I'm terribly sad that it has to end. Why can't we just try harder and make it work? Whateverwhatever...

Less crying today at least. Such a crybaby I am.. The one in Hongkong called me baby yesterday. It's been a long long time since he called me this. but then he's in hongkong leh. he's attached too. forget it.

I didn't do too badly today I guess..

Couldn't get to sleep and woke up a few times last night.

Was a little depressed in the morning.

Then, it started getting real busy at work again that I didn't have time and energy to grieve over what happened.

By the way.. I slammed the house door so hard yesterday that... IT's SPOILT!!!!! But my family members still don't know that I am the one who spoilt it.

I need to change my temper. It's gets out of hand at times.

It's 8 plus..I'm all alone at home. Noone would be home until I am fast asleep in bed.

My handphone has been dead quiet the whole day, except for unwanted calls from a particular parent. She's always giving me a lot of trouble, but very little money.

My hand phone is so quiet I want to switch it off... but I can't cos i have a business to run still. bah...

Still..I didn't do too bad again. What to do when you are dumped and unwanted? Must try to live life good. EArn more money and look more attractive.

I took the first step by visiting the dentist earlier. I haven't visited one in years. Now I have nice clean teeth. I have six more teeth to remove in the coming months.

The next thing I will be doing is to lose some weight. The extra 3kilos.

Maybe I should hit the gym and pool more often and loiter around downstairs every evening in hope that i can meet a nice guy.

Ya.. some friends think I am desperate. Most people will often judge others like that when they seem to want to be in relationships very much.

I am desperate for a satisfying relationship that will make me happy. And it's so hard to attain one.

When I look at the parents of the children.. I am starting to think that they are very lucky. The mothers.. There are men who actually want to marry them and set up a family with them and love their children together. Don't think anyone I like want to like me or marry me or have children with me.

Just breaking into tears many times a day. My eyes are puffy and swollen.

And.. I realise I have no friends. I haven't made the effort to keep up friendships. My friends haven't either. I want to make friends.

I used to have a lot of friends and would thank God how lucky I was to be blessed with so many good friendships. that was....all before University.

That idiot wants to break up with me again.

Forever breaking my heart.

Somebody please chop him into pieces to appease me.

And that old woman who always cause us to quarrel.

I'm mean. COS I FEEL TERRIBLE.

And nothing seem to help.

I am so desperately trying to calm myself down, turn myself away from very negative thoughts.

Tmr I will go to work wanting to close down my business again. I wish I were a strong adn rational girl who do not care too much about relationships.

I really don't like her.

Maybe she's not the problem.

He's the problem.

Aaargh.. There are some stuff I shouldn't blog about.. So sad.

I am so unhappy.

So angry.

I think I damaged the door cos I slammed it very hard just now.

Cos I am so unhappy I don't know what to do.

STuck here at home. Trying to distract myself. Fearing the worst that might come again soon. I was too rash. I wasn't scheming enough. I should learn to be a scheming person, just liker her. Idiot of idiots.

What am I to do now....

Tired.

I don't only work and sleep of course.. I'm currently very into the game - Zoo Tycoon. In this game, I am to build a zoo and make it profitable and successful.

I do read your blogs still. :) Even though you don't see comments from me. Too tired after work. I'm one who needs to think for quite a while before I write something. Not just blog comments, it also applies for composing SMSes...

Very very tired.....can't think.. can't blog.

I have blogged about a particular guy before. I am still very annoyed with him.

I cannot forget all the things he said to me.

To quote one episode..

I said that I do no think that I would ask him out or phone him.

He sent me a long sms the next day. Part of it says, " Open your heart and THINK with a SOUND MIND." Would somebody please slap him?? What the fuck is he saying?

I guess part of me cannot accept the fact that I ever liked him, though it was just a matter of a few weeks. His english sucks. I mean real bad. E.g. Do you know of anyone who spells "always" as "alway", even after I told him that he was wrong, he just could never remember. He would use "it" as "it's". He would go "It ok" "It cool" "It whatever.."

And hate people telling me to "relax".

He's so unintelligent. He has the silliest ideas that will not work. Try listening to his ideas for a few minutes, and you will realise how unintelligent it is. He can say unintelligent things very very confidently. Amazing! He insisted that Coffee Bean does not have to come up with any new products (new coffee drinks or new cakes) . Coffee Bean can survive remaining the way it is forever. EXcuse me????!!!!! Even when you try to explain to him that things do not work this way and that Coffee Bean does need to come up with new stuff every now and then to keep itself competitive, to keep his clientele and all.. he cannot understand. Bet my little China boy can understand this. He was so confident that he's right.

Bah! Dont' tell me that he still misses me. cos it makes me nauseous. Don't tell me that he only wants me to be happy. Don' t tell me that I will always find the best listener in him. Don't appear in my life ever again. Stupid shorty with little brains. STupid peeping tom. STupid stupid stupid. SCRAM!!!!

Went for a once-in-a-blue-moon ktv session yesterday with my friend's friends. I enjoyed myself despite something very annoying. One of the girls knows absolutely nothing about ktv ettiquete. She hogged the microphone the entire night. So I inserted my songs after every 4-5 songs she sang. My voice is quite soft. I don't like people who sing loudly to sing along with me for the same song. I was most annoyed when she picked up the microphone to sing the songs I dedicated as well. I couldn't hear myself at all. I put down the microphone and stoppped singing. I don't understand why someone 3 years older than me can behave like this. JJ said he would definitely be very ashamed of me if I behave the same way she did. By the way, this is the second time. The last time at another ktv, I didn't get to sing any songs at all. Cos I couldn't insert my songs.

There's a guy after her.... He sat beside her the entire night. He organised the outing just so that he can get to spend time with her. I wonder why he likes such childish person who lacks self awareness. Ok... maybe I childish to mind such things... I did consider this. hahaha.. YA LAH! I just hate it when pple hog the microphone and sing my songs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to talk about how I help prevent a disaster from happening last night too.. The driver drank quite a bit. He was sending 4 of us home and we met with a road block. The police stopped us and came to talk. He was at my window.

Policeman: Why are you all from?
Me:What do you mean by where we are from?
Policeman: I mean where you all are from lah!
Me: From Singapore lah
Policeman: hahahhaaha.. Of course I know that. Where did you come from jsut now?
ME: Friend's house.
Another fren: Friend's house from choachukang going home now.
Policeman: hhaha..okie.. take care all of u...

Then we went off. Driver said that I distracted him with my unusual question and answer at the start.

needta go!!! watching that bigalow show.. running late

The centre's going to go under a little 'expansion'. Taking over the space adjacent to the current one. The initial plan was to change location. That location is better, but it's still as small. Making a bold move to take both places at one go now. God bless.. God bless... Don't think God wants to bless me though..cos I haven't been a good girl, not in his standards anyway..

I.... Miss Froggy-in- her-well these days...just read about the racist bloggers.. I am really against people making racist comments, I tell u.. They really do not understand the dire consequences of their actions. They do not understand that their little action and words can have the "POWER" to stir up great trouble like racial tension and all. It just takes a few of those being insulted to get offended to cause great riots or... *shudder** mimic terrorist acts.

I so like my Malay and Indian students. They are so friendly and polite. I love the little China boys too. Even though they are real real disobedient many a time.. I still cannot resist falling for their child likeness, their capability of expressing themselves very well (in chinese) and their imagination. The Singaporean children can't quite express themselves, both in english and chinese. They can't string sentences properly both in english and chinese. They have rather limited vocabulary to use too.

Whatever it is.. I get very annoyed with people make racist remarks in public such as hawker centres or buses etc.. Do they think their words are really inaudible? BE racist all you want, but keep it private please... Some people are too arrogant. They don't know what trouble they are inviting. AAarghh.. PEa brains

Today ...

Woke up at 6am to go work.

All the way till 7 plus...

Went to the library to borrow fancy books for the children. It is a joy to bring books to the children. haha... Some of the children's books have real lovely pictures. Have the impulse to draw and paint them! I like the little china boy at my centre. He's such a darling, albeit naughty. They make me think of how I am going to nurture my children in future..

Went all the way to Jurong Point to get bubble tea to drink.. haha.. my favourite.. Shopped a little.

Went gym after that.. STill stinking from the perspiration... Yet to shower.

Boring hor? Hee.. I suddenly find my day eventful.

I want to meet up more of my friends. I want myself not to care whether that someone wants to meet me at all. I want to recover my funloving and outgoing self.

And.. my TEETH!!! they are in a horrendous state.. The front teeth are getting increasingly protruding.. Emergency case for braces liao.. Need to extract all the wisdom teeth too. Bah.. I wish I have sponsors.... So much expense awaiting... I wonder why I have to spend extra money on my teeth, more than other people..

A typical day goes like this....

Wake up at 6am.. rush to take bus.

Reach work at 7am.

Tend to naughty children.

More children comes at 12noon....

Help comes at 1pm or later...

Absolute havoc till 7pm...

On top of this.. I still have lots other work to do..

And someone hates me talking about work. Someone isn't interested at all. Someone doesn't care if though he had said few times that he will try his best to help me with my work. And someone is forever so dishonest and keeping so many things from me. I wish that someone would change.. Though it's easier for me to change myself than to change him.

I don't have energy anymore.. I am getting 6 or less hours of sleep everyday. Someone goes out with his friends when he could be nice to come help me a little.

I'm tired to trying to please that someone in many ways.

Why do I spend so much money on that someone too? Those are my HARD EARNED money.. I mean. real hard.. earning money is so hard for me..

ACtually, I hate it that I have been such a grouch in the recent years. I wish I am someone more lovable so that that someone would treat me better.. would want to spend more time with me.

Fuck..I need to go sleep..blogging is not helping.. it makes me feel bad that I am showing to my blogger frens what a grouch I am ..

btw.. something not very important but.. well.. the guy that guy the one that I didn't get together with one year ago. He's sorta contacting me thru sms now and asking me out.. he said stuff like he missed me over msn. and couldn't stop thinking about for the past one year. asked me out etc.. said that it was hard to get over me and so he tried real hard to avoid me for one year. So, why look for me all of a sudden, I wonder? Frankly speaking..I won't want to believe that i really mean that much to him for the past one year. Very hard to believe. Maybe for a week or so, but one year is quite impossible. And...I won't consider him. I just don't like him. He's not suitable for me.

Then there's my very first bf.. Gosh.. he doesn't stay in any part of Singapore loh..Even if I spare $20 for a cab trip, I won't be able to reach him. He was telling me over msn how valuable our relationship was then. That was love to its truest form...To bad, I ruined it in the end.... I'm not thinking about getting back with him lah.. It's impossible.

I am just sulking and whining as you can see..I feel so awful...I so dis like myself for not being a cheerful girl.

heyhey.. computer was down.. nobody wanted to fix for me. I cannot tarhan liao... fix it myself just now.. wahahaha.. here i am now.

i have been feeling like i have lost touch with everyone.. I dunno why I find having the access to the internet exciting. It has lots to entertain me with. I am so excited about my access to internet that it's 2.20am and I am still at teh computer! I usually turn in before 12 midnight these days cos I gotta drag myself up at 6am..FReaking 6am.. Gosh..back to school days?

Anywayz.. I actually talked to my ex bf earlier.. the very first bf. the last thing he told me was to believe him that I am actually a very lovable girl. haha.. well..i can go sleep with sweet dreams..

these days.. i have been very stressed.. been told that i have been talking in my sleep, about WORK!!!!! in perfect english too.. haha.. I dunno. but I know I think about work all day all night, everywhere anywhere.

oh.. and someone just told me over msn that he 'actually kinda misses me' then went offline immediately. eh?? I talked about him before. The guy I didn't get together with about a year ago.

mom's talking about work again... sigh.. I actually dun feel like talking.. Spare me please....It's work and more work even in my dreams!

last thing.. went to bring my grandma out for dinner earlier today. this to compensate for not living with her and going back regularly.. I'm too tired to shuffle between two homes. my father wasn't at home, until we came back from dinner. saw him at the lift.. felt sad.. felt bad. he must be lonely with noone there for him. noone to care for him and accompany him.. bleah.. i want to cry liao. shall go back to bring both of them out for dinner after my busy work week.