JJ went to check out cars with his uncle and mother. He got a new job at the University where most of you have studied in. Got a pay raise. So, he's looking to buy a car to ferry babes and his mom. He didn't ask me along to look at the cars even though I am doing nothing at home. Tell you, we are just together now cos we can't really bear to break up with each other, just yet.

Still feeling terrible as usual.

BTw, he doesn't like me blogging. Think he has mentioned it twice. He doesn't like it that I let strangers know so much personal stuff. But, I don't regard you pple as strangers. I think you all are blessings. Blessings!

I first started writing in online diaries because of my first boyfriend. He's a Hongkonger and it was a trend over there then few years' ago to write. He started an online diary to tell me how bad he's struggling after our breakup. Then I started writing because I needed to tell someone how much a terror my second boyfriend was. Then I switched over to blogspot.

When a couple started quarrelling frequently, it's probably a hint that the demise of the relationship is near. We are trying lah.

I need to socialise!!!! Not to tell my friends about all my problems cos believe it or not, I try not to talk much about my problems with friends. Cos once I start talking, I will find myself having a lot of negative things to say and it doesn't even help saying all of them out. Just meeting my friends and having a goodtime is a lot more healing than sharing with them my problems. STrange?? But it's this way for me. TAkes things of my mind and helps me get in touch with my fun-loving self.

Hey all..

Thanks for all the concern.

That night, I cried so hard, I was sick and stoned the next day. Couldn't quite keep my eyes opened.

Some couples just break and patch, break and patch. JJ and I have joined this lot. So, we are back together for another good try.

**

I am a total hag and loner now. NEedta look good!!!!! Uphill task.

Saturday Night In. Alone. Sianzzzzzzzzzz.

I want to go out!!!!!!! With who???

I'm so damn SAD!!!! But I have to go on pretending nothing sad happened to me. I have to try so hard to fight back my tears. I so not want to cry in front of anyone, especially people at home.

He was sick. I went to visit him after work. Have always wanted to show that I care in many ways. Then something silly happened.

I was at the house for a little over one hour. He was saying something like before I came, he was sleeping, after I go he would be sleeping again. If I were not there, he would be sleeping. So I got a little pissed, thinking, there he was going again. Want me to go his house, but only want me to be there for a while, that I should leave by a certain time so that he can sleep or whatever. He's always like that. I thought to myself, what the hell. How am I supposed to know whether he wanted me to be there, for how long he would want me to be there. I was just there a little over an hour. Too long? Should I just stay 15 minutes then leave? Whatever. IT's always like that anyway. Only I will be disturbing him. He won't be disturbing me. Only I want to meet him often badly. But not him.

And I was so tired while he thought he's very sick and couldn't be bothered with me. Honestly, to me, he's always saying that he's sick even though it's just a slight problem. He always says he's not feeling well but I don't quite see anything wrong. When I am real sick, he doesn't even show concern. Whatever lah. I already tried to show concern everyday he says he's sick.

And I just packed my stuff and left his house. After a while I returned to his house again. I took my things, including our photo albums and left. He didn't care. He just let me leave. Both of us never say anything. But we both know that when I take away the photo albums, it's the end of the relationship. We are over. It's over. I've never taken away the albums and my other stuff away before.

I so know that I will regret my actions. But perhaps there's nothing worth regretting about, since he doesn't mind breaking up over either. Since he doesn't try to mend the relationship or salvage the situation in anyway, he's really not worthed me trying to please and trying so hard to love anymore.

I'm already going nutz at work. The children have been driving me crazy. Then there are other issues about profitability, whether I have made the right decision, and that I need help at work..

kIt's too much. It's too much. WAy too much. I cannot control my emotions. I find it very hard.

So friends who know me. Please, remember the old Satin who was sane. When I lose my sanity, don't start seeing me as a psychotic individual and drift away from me. I am really having problems in controlling my emotions -anger, grief, fear and all the other negative emotions. I so need a psychiatrist. But I'm not getting one. Trying to calm myself eeach time by breathing properly and focusing on more positive things..

I can't be alone anymore. I need to get out of all these.

Today, I was at the vcd shop choosing a vcd to rent. Wanted to watch Jude Law's film.

JJ told me that Jude Law had an affair with his child's nanny.

You can be sure that I will boycott all Jude Law's films from now on. Scumbag.

I so hate men who engage in affairs and I think 90% of the men in this world living right now, have been unfaithful or will be unfaithful to their partners in their lifetime.

I hate men. But I can't quite do without men. Not men. I just need one man to love me truly. So difficult. I want to get married. But I think I will be so unlucky to have a husband who sleeps around with his best female friends of colleagues or some shitty girls, after I bear children and turn old and then, I would have to get a divorce and fight for my child's custody with him.

I so think that JJ will engage in affairs. He's displaying so many likely signs. Men like variety. When they have you, they will desire the others. Ok lah. MOST men. Not all men. But I bet I will be the unfortunate lot to meet with those scumbags.

Porn is bad. It causes men to have unrealistic expectations of women. FUCK!!!!!! I so hate the world I am living in now. I'm not saying that JJ will engage in affairs just because he views porn. This is another point.

I'm ANGRY!!!! Everytime I heard about idiots having affairs, I will be very disturbed and sink into depression thinking that it will happen to me too.

JJ's mother been having affair with a FRIEND. So much for friends. Guys would declare that there exists platonic friendships. Yea, very hard to come by. Back to the affair. Their families know each other and the man of the other family started to have an affair with JJ's mother. It's been on for years. Tell me, how to respect her? I hate affairs like anything. Sorry, I can't repect her. And I am giving that disgusting man face by calling him Uncle. Cheats on his wife for so many years. Ought to be shot.

But I guess in a way it's actually good for me that JJ's mother has this disgusting man for company. Else, she will stick to JJ even more. Yea.. she leeches to JJ. Thank God she's got that man. Sigh..Whatever.. I am mean. YEa. Now you know. What the hell. I just want happiness. Just want a man who really loves me. Who will protect me and not hurt me.

You know how TV dramas always show how a girl is crossing the road not knowing a vehicle is about to knock her down. A man who loves the girl dearly would go "Look out for the car!" Run to push the girl away and get knocked down by the car.

I think if I were the girl. JJ would just stand rooted by the roadside and shout, "Look out for the car!"Then after I get knocked down by the car, he would weep and call the ambulance.

Right. Let's go to a less dramatic scenario..

You know how some men would swear by not hurting the girls ever and giving her only happiness. Some men would firmly believe in not making their girls cry. You know, most men are not like this.

Bah.. Just my luck to have met JJ.

*****

I accidentally deleted the rest of my entry. I guess I shall just end with that JJ is trying to change, to give me what I want. Don't think I am expecting too much. CAre for me when I am sick. BEcause he doesn't. Be there for me when I have big problems, because he doesn't. Be honest. Accept me for who I am. I doubt he can change much though.

Yay!!! How nice... Another failed relationship.

Yesterday was graduation. It was a total chore having to sit through the entire event.

It's meaningless to me. As I listen to the speech, I felt that it's irrelevant and so insignificant to me. Why irrelevant? I'm not one of those SMU produced high flyers. I'm not one of those professionals working in huge organisations achieving steadily growing high income, making good use of the SMU education. I'm not one of those successful entrepreneurs. I think I am totally throwing the Uni's face. Not gonna tell anyone where I was previously studying.

Was a little excited to see certain friends though. Then again, I know a hell lot of pple, but is not close to anyone of them. They outcast me. They don't like me. What to do? *Shrug** But I know it's because I don't look approachable and always harbour the mentality that noone would like me as a friend and I should just keep to myself and stay a loner.

But sometime ago, one of this lot of SMU pple did a project with me. They were some instances when we were alone to each other. Sometime later at a bash, I heard from some other girls that this particular girl said that "SSSSSS is actually very nice and happening." Well, those pple never know me. It's partly my fault. I am not proactive enough in friendships. I will often assume that I'm the outcast. I'm sensitive. I backed away if I am excluded.

Sometimes I will be shocked when some of them exclaimed stuff such as "SSSS can actually sing very well!".. "SSSSSSS actually goes pubbing and dancing!!" "SSSSS actually dresses up!" yadayadayadayada.. What? I have always been like this. What's so shocking?

Everyone's shocked at my career decision too. None of my Uni frens know. They don't have the privilege. But my secondary school frens and all are. Those few who know.

And I know my frens think I have chosen the wrong path. They think I'm going into the direction where I won't be making big money just like the other graduates would.

OMIGOD!!!! I am suddenly feeling emotional and sad!! Think I'm going to cry if I continue typing. Going to watch tv.

Who the hell knows me????? Maybe, it's not important that others don't know me. Maybe it's not important.

Sidetracking alittle.. :p I have surprised myself with my Chinese. Goodness gracious. I'm good enough to teach the primary students Chinese! :p

hieee.

I'm still alive. :)

I so hate it when people ask me where I am currently working. EVeryone's asking me. I will just say that I am working with children near a particular area. I don't like people to know what I Am doing. Excluding u pple though. :)

Graduation aka commencement is this Wednesday. I'm going. I got the graduation gown and all. It flares so much making me 'figureless'. so ugly!!!!!!! eee..eee..

and I've been practising walking with my black mules so that I can walk with them gracefully on Wednesday. My black mules is super high and it hurts my feet after an hour of walking.


***

As for work, everything would have been fine, if not for a particular student. She's a real terror. She's a little intellectually disabled. She can't speak properly or move normally like everyone else. You would have empathise with her and want to shower her with lotsa love, BUT it's really tough because she's got a very bad character problem. She's selfish, dirties and damages all my stuff (tables, chairs..), always want to use my personal stationery to do her work, always dreaming, takes forever to write one single word, forever saying "I dunno, you tell me lah.", she doesn't want to think at all not that she doesn't know, throws things at you, always want to play and damage all my new games, leaves food crumbs all over the centre and attracted a hell lot of ants.. do you know we literally have to have one person tending to her from the time she come till she go home and none of us wants to tend to her cos she's a terror.

TEll ya, we all very very patient and loving pple, but she's off the limit. We so loved all the other children. I'm giving her mother face to continue taking care of her.. aarghhh...

Now, I don't feel good complaining about a little girl. As if I am not mature enough. Whatever. Try coming to sit with her for just one hour, and you will go crazy, I guarantee u.

the rest of the children are really lovable and cute. :) even though they are lazy. haha..

haven't got internet connection. so, haven't been able to blog or read blogs. so sorry.

Summing up my work -->>>> I need to help myself. :)

*SHRUG**

I tortured the dog yesterday. My mother is still blaming me today. I think her blaming will go on for the next few days.

The dog's really fAT! A fat Jack Russell. How unsightly. It sleeps and eats all day. It's out of shape! I brought it out for a walk, as I usually would when I am here at this house. But he kept barking at every person he saw. So, I had to cut the walk short. I took the lift to the 10th Floor, then went to the stairs. :) Made the doggie climbed 10 flights of staircase to the 15th Floor. :) Evil me. :) The moment we reached home, I lugged it to the toilet to wash his feet. Immediately after that, he went straight to SLEEP!!!!!!! He's been very moody and my mother attributed it to my fault. Nonsense.. She said jack russells have short legs, cannot climb stairs. WEllwell... Today, I didn't bother to bring him for walk. I doubt he will dare to go with me. :) i went for my own swim and ignore him. How unloving I am.. :)

hmm.. come to think of it. I should just try. Let u know tmr if he's still willing to go for walks with me. ha..

btw.. I mentioned that I swam earlier.. I finally exercised after a hundred weeks or so. So unhealthy!!!! I'm always worried about my health, because I know I don't lead a healthy lifestyle. Anywayzz.. I swam a mere few laps. haha. I wore the bikini I bought from Bangkok for the first time. wahahaa.. But I don't look sexy at all.. Sianzz.. I think 0.75 of my weight is concentrated on my bottom half. I have the legs that a 60kg woman owns.

I don't want to talk about JJ or work anymore.

Will go amuse myself with the dog.

I ate 2 packets of instant noodles at one go one hour earlier.. Pig.

Let me tell you how bad it is. I asked a friend to come view my centre asap, before it's closed for business. I'm really worried. Things have not been going on well. A customer offered to help me distribute more flyers to get more customers so that my biz won't fold that I can continue teaching her daughter who has a case of intellectual disability.

Anyway, this friend of mine is totally ... Kind??? He said he wants to INVEST HIS $$$$ in my biz, but does not have enough money yet. I was totally stunned. Anywayz, I will definitely not take his money. The biz is too small - scale to earn enough profits to split.. It's good enough that he's been offering me moral support.

It's weird how he always thinks well of me. OVerly well in fact. Known him for 5 years. In this 5 years, he's been extremely lavish with his compliments on me. He would use words like beauty, beautiful, gorgeous, unique, intelligent, can do wonders blahblahblah.. Gosh. I can only say that it's a case of beauty lying in the eyes of the beholder. I'm definitely far from what he describes. Or perhaps, he says this to all teh girls. :) STrangely, JJ never ever thinks well of me. Well, maybe JJ knows me better? Whatever.

I've got a BBA. JJ's got an MBA. My mom's got superb salesmanship. BUT, the biz has been bad. I guess one reason is that she has chosen the wrong biz to do. I had wanted to go into retail, then later trading, which I think we would be able to manage very well, because retail is where her expertise lies. Now, we are foraying into an unknown biz.. Anyways, my mom has her own biz to look after, limited energy to help me too. And JJ's been too busy to help much, so effectively, his MBA has not contributed in anyway. Or so you would say, having a business degree does not mean that you will do well in biz.

Anyway, was happy teaching the children today, especially the boy. He reminds me of a panda. :) OF the 15 words Panda needs to learn for spelling tomorrow, he had only copied 8 words. He said before he could finish copying, the teacher had erased all the words. Damn. I wanted him to get full marks 15/15 for once, cos he's been failing ridiculously. Well.. I hope he will do all right tmr.. It means a lot to me that all the children improve in their results, their behaviour, their speech.. Panda has a very complicated family background. Hope I can help. I'm turning into a social worker.

HP beep. think JJ's checking on me to see if I am still awake. He's going to scold me! But I miss blogging! and reading blogs!!! DEprived. going to sleep..

I'm afraid.. :(

I will reply to your comments here. Btw.. teehee.. was happy to see comments. :)

I think.. there was something wrong with the sunyanzi vcd because of its bad 'workmanship', nothing to do with the live band and her. ooops.. You see...The vcd costs only $7!!!! Heard it's sold for less than $2 in China. This version was originally created for the China market. And omigod k.. It really sucks.. They made Sunyanzi look bad.. the resolution is sometimes bad.. they made me think that there was something very wrong with Yanzi's singing and the band. I thought I found some good stuff at really low price but was wrong.. Well.. Thank God I only bought one!!!!It's so annoying listening to it...

Now.. I can't play the piano. The only times I ever try playing is when I am over at friends' house. Dabble with a little music when I was in the symphonic band in secondary school.

I'm too busy to go anywhere unrelated to my work now.. KTV... gotta wait.. :( I'm not keeping up my friendships anymore..

I sing a whole lot of different songs.. Sunyanzi, S.H.E, Rong Zu-er, Faye Wong, Sammi Cheng, Gigi Leung, Jolin Tsai n some others. I like to sing along with guys Jay Chou's etc too. Fun!!! :)

++

Anywayz..I been really busy.. Busy bumble bee.. haha. Btw, I have been doing some art n craft for deco, cos it looks too plain now. Drew a bumble bee and it looks real bad!! Picture me sketching on mahjong paper and painting with poster colour. My mother would be the one giving compliments most of the time. haha. only she will think my craft work looks good. When I can, I will upload photos.

i took photos of the centre before renovation, for momento's sake. Wanted to post them..but i'm really busy!! wish there were two of me or something.. Not done with all the decorations yet.. First friend came over today. Nothing positive to say. haha..

You know I dun like to tell pple about this biz.. I dun like pple to know about my work at all. I dun like my relatives or frens to know. I dun like them to ask. I dun want expectations and judgements. I just want to live this life the way I want it to be now, free from non-beneficial comments.

Someone stole one of my banners today. Damn Angry!!!!! It's very EXPENSIVE!!!!!!And, i feel uneasy that I have spent a lot a lot of my mother's money doing this little biz. Sometimes, I regret agreeing to this.. Cos I prefer retail to offering services. Retail is a lot easier, faster, bigger bucks. Well.. I'm in it now, so gotta do it well.

I got to over come something. I keep thinking that I shouldn't charge my customers the prices I am charging now. I am often inclined to down the price for them.. It's just my character not to want pple to pay me too much, which is really ridiculous right? Cos, objectively speaking, my prices are on the lower end and I'm really giving good value for money.

I just deleted a whole paragraph of complaints about JJ and I.

In short, we are not arguing anymore, but this is cos both of us are busy. IT doesn't help that I have been quite ignoring him recently.. cos he's busy as well. I'm not getting the attention still..

Blogging about him makes me feel worse. It's like I would be reliving how much displeasure I have towards him these days throughout typing the blog entry. MAkes things worse.

****

Anyway, bought sun yanzi's 'the moment' concert vcd. hmm.. I was rather shocked at the number of mistakes her pianist made.. You will hear wrong tunes being played all the time and she would sound like she's singing out of tune or following the wrong tempo. STill, buying this CD home made me feel HAPPY! :) Miss singing ktv.. it's been ages..

Peaks and Valleys of Life we have to travel through, and I am near the bottom of one Valley now.

Yesterday, my counsellor managed to make me feel a lot better. We played Literati at the expense of his sleep. I thought I would be able to fall asleep. The moment I lie on my bed.. I started weeping AGAIN.. can I like stop being such a crybaby.. I cry cry cry myself to sleep. I guess I have been crying way too often that JJ doesn't care anymore.

Today, I woke up, determined to do a whole lot of work at the centre. When I reached there, something terrible happened. The kitchen was flooded and the water almost flowing to the living room. All of us were devastated. This is the 2nd time... It's real trouble. It's not the normal residential tiled flooring at the centre.. We had just bought new rubber (or whatever material that is) sheet to line the entire place. EVerytime it's wet.. the sheet has to be removed and dried, then replace again..

It's a terror everytime the households above my floor use the bathroom to shit, to bathe, to pee, to wash clothes etc.. all the water + shit + urine+ rubbish +dirty water will flow out of the whatever that hole is called in my bathroom. And today is Sunday. The households above used the bathrooms so frequent, working me and the rest (my mother and her assistant) to death. I'm on the second floor. I had to scoop all the shit and water into pails and then carry the heavy pails down the stairs to pour away the contents into the bathroom at the first flow. I scooped and scooped.. the water n shit just kept coming. We must have carried 50 pails of water down in that few hours..

This is the second time... The last time, we too have to scoop all the water and shit till my mother's friend helped us do some plumbing. It has only been a few days and the problem returned again. After a few hours, a plumber from HDB arrived. He managed to alleviate the problem, so I didn't have to sleep over at the centre to scoop water all night to ensure that it doesn't flood the whole place. Thank God.

But the problem's not solved. The HDB plumber said that he could only provide a temporary solution. We have to get pple from the Town Council to do the major works to solve this problem tmr..Pray hard.. Otherwise, there's no way I can do business at all.

My back aches.. My palms rough. Such a major problem. JJ wasn't there to help. Well, I didn't tell him, cos I didn't want to contact him. After a few hours, I thought I'm going to crumble soon.. called him.. told him what happened. He just said a few words of concern. Why didn't he come down to help me? He doesn't live far from me. He's a selfish brat. Only know how to receive.

Times when something bad happen to him, I would rush down in a cab immediately. From North to West. Today is Sunday, I was just a 15-20 minutes journy from his place. It's very sian when you meet a guy who loves you a lot lesser than you love him. who doesn't know what true love should be about. he's in the stage whereby girlfrens are just companions to watch movies, do shopping with.. to listent o his troubles and be there for him when he's sick and exchange smses a few times a day, talk a little while on the phone at night, meeting twice a week will do.. you will get to meet him, if he schedules you. Are relationships supposed to be this way? I didn't know that.

Don't want to talk about him. He asked if I want to meet him tmr. Honestly, I can't bear to live him, despite knowing very well that we are a mismatch and that he's giving me a lot of misery. He's just not what I want. I have higher expectations out of a relationship then he can deliver. Tmr would be an extremely busy day, aside from the pipe works, there are lots others scheduled to be done. Under normal circumstances, I would have just leave my work and do the dinner with him and whatever else he wants. But today, I told him that I can probably only meet him for a while, depending on my schedule. Still meeting him, but squeezing a lot lesser time for him. I should concentrate on what is really important. He doesn't seem to make a good potential husband to me.. he's shouldn't be tha important to me anymore. he's not contributing positively to my life. I'm realigning my priorities and trying to live by the new set.

I am greiving.

Everything's bleak.

Everything's grim.

Another frustrating episode earlier.

I was still happy from watching War of the Worlds.

Was still alittle disturbed by the aliens' invasion.

What if I tell you I am so unhappy I don't know what to do.

I laid down by the pool, looked up at the sky, hoping that the vast sky would make my troubles seem small and insignificant. Doesn't help.

I'm so unhappy, I don't want to continue living anymore. But I know this phase will pass one day. One day, I will be happy again.

Some guys are just not smart enough to understand what you are saying.

A bloody MBA doesn't make him any smarter, but he's so darn proud of it. Eh?

A BBA doesn't make me any more inferior than him. I just don't like to study much.

I hate my character.. I hate the way I am.

Since young, i'm the sort that would neglect my studies for guys I like. Then I would neglect my work. I would drop anything I am doing just to make my guy feel happy. I know I am not sensible and not being smart here. The happiness that comes with achievement is a lot more worth seeking. It won't fail me. But whoever my bf is, always fails me. (minus the first one)

I wish I would just apply myself diligently to work and not care about any guy. But I am just so bu4 zheng1 qi4. I'm totally exasperated with myself and irritated with my choice to be with that idiot. I should have just been alone.

I wish relationships would stop meaning anything to me. I wish I would stop thinking about that happy family I want. I wish he would realise all his stupidity.

Bah.. Mom's back. I need to look normal.

Someone isn't treasuring me. I'm not precious to him. But well.. maybe I'm really not good enough and not much of valuable treasure.

thanks for ur notes.. really..

confidence? that's tough. you pple are right... he thinks that he's very important to me and that he's some good stuff, while I am not.

now..for some practical actions..

1. do not call him.
2. do not reply him, if he bothers to initiate talking to me.
yea..the cold war's on. i said i wanted to break up. didn't mean it. but i said it. so, if he doesn't try to salvage the situation..too bad.. i must not be the one to do it.. he's got to prove that he's worth me being good to..that he's worth my time.
3. concentrate on workworkwork
4. earn a lot of money.
5. go clubbing
6. look better
7. ignore him
8.ignore him
9.ignore him
10.ignore him.

he's not a good person.

I haven't got over that incident on Sunday. JJ makes me think that he's sexually deprived and perverted, and that he'll always be lusting for other girls he finds sexy. Isn't that true? If the girls he's been looking and god know what else he does when he's leering at those pictures of girls that are local, doesn't that mean he's into girls that are all over the streets around him? Not every girl, but those with the figure and dress sense. These girls are like so EVERYWHERE.

Today, I met him for a while for dinner. We were walking along the streets and at one point of time, a girl was coming in our direction. She was not-too-bad looking and she's wearing that darn mini denim skirt -- JJ's current fetish. I looked at her and looked at him to check his expression. After we passed the girl, he asked me why I am looking at that girl because she's wearing a denim skirt. I replied that I'm looking at him who's looking at her. He said, he's looking at her because he saw me looking at her. I know I'm being paranoid here, but I can't help it. I'll be spotting the kind of girl that I know he likes and wonder if he's looking at her and whatever. My paranoia's going to turn me crazy soon..

He says I lack confidence in myself. I say, whatever he's been saying and doing ever since I have known him have trashed every little bit of confidence I have in myself.

Don't ever lie to me.. It takes a lot for me to get well again.. no..I don't think I ever get well... He says I should encourage him not to indulge in porn again. He says I shouldn't demoralise him by saying that I know he will never change. Seriously, I think it's obvious that somethings will never change. He's not into honesty. He's lied a number of times. He won't be honest about matters that will elicit negative responses from me.

When he's around, I'm ok.. I still feel happy to be with him. I don't feel like I am walking with a pervert, a super horny guy, a super superficial guy and all.. But, the moment he leaves my side, all negative thoughts will come to my mind. I will be debating in my mind that he's incorrigible and he's damn hell of a big fat liar. Then I will cry and pray that he will not be such a bad person. I just think that he will never give me the kind of love I want. Just that he can never stay monogamous and that he will probably engage in an extramarital affair if i ever get married with him. And he will ruin my most important dream in life to have a complete and happy family.

I'm afraid of this guy. I'm afraid that he's just going to hurt me again.

Oh..I used to tell him that I like it that he reads the newspapers everyday. I like knowledgable and intellectual guys. But hell. The thought of him reading newspapers only remind me of those BABES he was so interested in. He actually downloaded the pictures from the newpaper website of the girls at sentosa's beach party, saved them in a disk and happily view them at home. Stupidly thinking that I wouldn't know. Sorry boy, I'm not that naive and brainless. I shall not describe what happened previously. That was even more absurd, so absurd I feel ashame to blog about it then.

***

Though guys like girls who are very attractive in appearance, I know it doesn't take an attractive appearance for one to enjoy marital happiness. So what if a girl's got a fabulous bod and a pretty face to match? Most men are greedy.. They like variety. They will get sick of their gorgeous partner, and secretly go for others. Don't we know of gorgeous pple who aren't treasured by their men? Gorgeous pple get cheated and dumped too. So what if I suddenly attain a fabulous bod and a pretty face? That doesn't assure me that my partner will truly love me till he dies. BAH! There's no true love anymore. It's just not going to happen to me.

DAmn.. I sure is taking long to recover... That incident just increased my insecurity. Guys are stupid and irresponsible. They expect girls to trust them even though they know they will lie. Even though they lie, they still insist that they are worthy of my trust. Aaaarghh.

Thankfully I've been very busy these days to distract me from these thoughts..

ACtually, many guys and girls would think I'm kicking up a big fuss for nothing. Even girls would tell me that I should just let my guy watch whichever girl he wants to, that there is no harm to it at all. A guy can be interested in other girls, but still treat his girl very well. Why can't he just be interested in me and treat me very well. Why must I compromise??

Did talk to him about this issue. But I'm still like this. Seriously, honestly, I know that I take things too hard at times and I'm afraid that I will turn psychotic like some women in tv dramas. You know how some women got cheated by their bfs/ husbands, couldn't take it and become psychotic, want to do harm to the guy and his new flame etc.. Then the men n their new partners would feel that they are the victims when the gf.wife suffered the greatest loss.. NoNONNONONONO.. I should never degenerate to that state. See... When one bad thing happens, I will expect worse to come..

Right. I should stop. It's late into the night when I cannot sleep and engage in such self defeating thoughts again...

Now, I want that 100% pious Christian bf/husband again.. Not all Christian men are good, I know. But there are quite a lot of very decent ones. I'm referring to those truly pious ones. They would know what true love is all about.

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I should have gone clubbing yesterday. It would have made me feel loads better. Make me remember that not every guy finds me unattractive, unappealing, unsexy,un-whatever..