I'm so damn SAD!!!! But I have to go on pretending nothing sad happened to me. I have to try so hard to fight back my tears. I so not want to cry in front of anyone, especially people at home.

He was sick. I went to visit him after work. Have always wanted to show that I care in many ways. Then something silly happened.

I was at the house for a little over one hour. He was saying something like before I came, he was sleeping, after I go he would be sleeping again. If I were not there, he would be sleeping. So I got a little pissed, thinking, there he was going again. Want me to go his house, but only want me to be there for a while, that I should leave by a certain time so that he can sleep or whatever. He's always like that. I thought to myself, what the hell. How am I supposed to know whether he wanted me to be there, for how long he would want me to be there. I was just there a little over an hour. Too long? Should I just stay 15 minutes then leave? Whatever. IT's always like that anyway. Only I will be disturbing him. He won't be disturbing me. Only I want to meet him often badly. But not him.

And I was so tired while he thought he's very sick and couldn't be bothered with me. Honestly, to me, he's always saying that he's sick even though it's just a slight problem. He always says he's not feeling well but I don't quite see anything wrong. When I am real sick, he doesn't even show concern. Whatever lah. I already tried to show concern everyday he says he's sick.

And I just packed my stuff and left his house. After a while I returned to his house again. I took my things, including our photo albums and left. He didn't care. He just let me leave. Both of us never say anything. But we both know that when I take away the photo albums, it's the end of the relationship. We are over. It's over. I've never taken away the albums and my other stuff away before.

I so know that I will regret my actions. But perhaps there's nothing worth regretting about, since he doesn't mind breaking up over either. Since he doesn't try to mend the relationship or salvage the situation in anyway, he's really not worthed me trying to please and trying so hard to love anymore.

I'm already going nutz at work. The children have been driving me crazy. Then there are other issues about profitability, whether I have made the right decision, and that I need help at work..

kIt's too much. It's too much. WAy too much. I cannot control my emotions. I find it very hard.

So friends who know me. Please, remember the old Satin who was sane. When I lose my sanity, don't start seeing me as a psychotic individual and drift away from me. I am really having problems in controlling my emotions -anger, grief, fear and all the other negative emotions. I so need a psychiatrist. But I'm not getting one. Trying to calm myself eeach time by breathing properly and focusing on more positive things..

I can't be alone anymore. I need to get out of all these.