I haven't got over that incident on Sunday. JJ makes me think that he's sexually deprived and perverted, and that he'll always be lusting for other girls he finds sexy. Isn't that true? If the girls he's been looking and god know what else he does when he's leering at those pictures of girls that are local, doesn't that mean he's into girls that are all over the streets around him? Not every girl, but those with the figure and dress sense. These girls are like so EVERYWHERE.

Today, I met him for a while for dinner. We were walking along the streets and at one point of time, a girl was coming in our direction. She was not-too-bad looking and she's wearing that darn mini denim skirt -- JJ's current fetish. I looked at her and looked at him to check his expression. After we passed the girl, he asked me why I am looking at that girl because she's wearing a denim skirt. I replied that I'm looking at him who's looking at her. He said, he's looking at her because he saw me looking at her. I know I'm being paranoid here, but I can't help it. I'll be spotting the kind of girl that I know he likes and wonder if he's looking at her and whatever. My paranoia's going to turn me crazy soon..

He says I lack confidence in myself. I say, whatever he's been saying and doing ever since I have known him have trashed every little bit of confidence I have in myself.

Don't ever lie to me.. It takes a lot for me to get well again.. no..I don't think I ever get well... He says I should encourage him not to indulge in porn again. He says I shouldn't demoralise him by saying that I know he will never change. Seriously, I think it's obvious that somethings will never change. He's not into honesty. He's lied a number of times. He won't be honest about matters that will elicit negative responses from me.

When he's around, I'm ok.. I still feel happy to be with him. I don't feel like I am walking with a pervert, a super horny guy, a super superficial guy and all.. But, the moment he leaves my side, all negative thoughts will come to my mind. I will be debating in my mind that he's incorrigible and he's damn hell of a big fat liar. Then I will cry and pray that he will not be such a bad person. I just think that he will never give me the kind of love I want. Just that he can never stay monogamous and that he will probably engage in an extramarital affair if i ever get married with him. And he will ruin my most important dream in life to have a complete and happy family.

I'm afraid of this guy. I'm afraid that he's just going to hurt me again.

Oh..I used to tell him that I like it that he reads the newspapers everyday. I like knowledgable and intellectual guys. But hell. The thought of him reading newspapers only remind me of those BABES he was so interested in. He actually downloaded the pictures from the newpaper website of the girls at sentosa's beach party, saved them in a disk and happily view them at home. Stupidly thinking that I wouldn't know. Sorry boy, I'm not that naive and brainless. I shall not describe what happened previously. That was even more absurd, so absurd I feel ashame to blog about it then.

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Though guys like girls who are very attractive in appearance, I know it doesn't take an attractive appearance for one to enjoy marital happiness. So what if a girl's got a fabulous bod and a pretty face to match? Most men are greedy.. They like variety. They will get sick of their gorgeous partner, and secretly go for others. Don't we know of gorgeous pple who aren't treasured by their men? Gorgeous pple get cheated and dumped too. So what if I suddenly attain a fabulous bod and a pretty face? That doesn't assure me that my partner will truly love me till he dies. BAH! There's no true love anymore. It's just not going to happen to me.

DAmn.. I sure is taking long to recover... That incident just increased my insecurity. Guys are stupid and irresponsible. They expect girls to trust them even though they know they will lie. Even though they lie, they still insist that they are worthy of my trust. Aaaarghh.

Thankfully I've been very busy these days to distract me from these thoughts..

ACtually, many guys and girls would think I'm kicking up a big fuss for nothing. Even girls would tell me that I should just let my guy watch whichever girl he wants to, that there is no harm to it at all. A guy can be interested in other girls, but still treat his girl very well. Why can't he just be interested in me and treat me very well. Why must I compromise??

Did talk to him about this issue. But I'm still like this. Seriously, honestly, I know that I take things too hard at times and I'm afraid that I will turn psychotic like some women in tv dramas. You know how some women got cheated by their bfs/ husbands, couldn't take it and become psychotic, want to do harm to the guy and his new flame etc.. Then the men n their new partners would feel that they are the victims when the gf.wife suffered the greatest loss.. NoNONNONONONO.. I should never degenerate to that state. See... When one bad thing happens, I will expect worse to come..

Right. I should stop. It's late into the night when I cannot sleep and engage in such self defeating thoughts again...

Now, I want that 100% pious Christian bf/husband again.. Not all Christian men are good, I know. But there are quite a lot of very decent ones. I'm referring to those truly pious ones. They would know what true love is all about.

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I should have gone clubbing yesterday. It would have made me feel loads better. Make me remember that not every guy finds me unattractive, unappealing, unsexy,un-whatever..