engaging myself in self destructive thoughts

Okiee.. I mustn't let this myself be too affected by this matter.

I am pissed. As usual, you might be muttering under your breath now.

JJ came down with severe skin allergy. The conjectures from the two doctors were that it's either engendered by food poisoning or the body shop moisturizer he is using. One doc said that body shop doesn't test on animals, so not suitable for people like him with a vulnerable skin condition.

So, I went over his place to accompany him everyday. Tomorrow I am bringing Risk, Monopoly and Scrabble down to play with him.

Coming to the point of why I Must Blog Before I Sleep.

This is this girl who is not even 20 years old, working as a temporary admin assistant at JJ's company. And, she kept smsing and even calling my bf. DAMMIT!!!!!

Because he is sick, she keep smsing and calling even more.

WAh Lau!!! This is not the first time. Sickening leh. I don't understand why those silly young girls must eye on much older guys who are attached. Why does this sort of stuff always happen to me???

I broke up with my ex bf for good because there was some shitty young girl (6 years his junior) who kept asking him to leave me. Kenasai. But that was a blessing in disguise. I am glad this girl came along, else I will continue wasting my life with this wimp. By the way, one month later, he contacted me again telling me that he realised he didn't like the girl at all and wanted me back. That's good enough for me. I don't want him back. The girl can have him. :O)
And this bloody girl was called Yilin, which resulted in me hating people who are called Yilin. Bitches.

Ok..I am sorry. I don't hate all Yilins. There is one Yilin that I like a lot in school.

Anyway, now, this idiotic girl who is at least 6 years younger than JJ is called Qing Yu. I see her name in his handphone, I start fuming. No, earlier on, I was more sad than angry. I was very very sad. Cos, sigh, I am suffering from very low self esteem these days. Cos of my complexion. It sucks. It really sucks. And JJ's complexion is super good. I feel ugly. I am just wondering if JJ finds my face very ugly too. Because I am so ugly now, I feel very sad when there are girls like this idiot Qing Yu. Aarghh, coming to disturb my little happiness. Yea, I almost cried earlier. But no, I don't want to break my record. Never cried in front of JJ before.

I hate Qing Yus!!!!!! Fark off! Don't come rob me of the little happiness I have.. *Sobzz**

I knew I have to deal with this. She is the first, and will not be the last. More bitches to come in the years to come.

Anyway, read once in Cleo or Female, or whatever magazine that girls like to eye on guys who are attached. Guys who are attached just seem more desirable and challenging. Their desirability endorsed by the girlfriends by their side. Tsk. I get what the article was trying to say. Why must this world be like this>????? Don't I always keep attached guys at arm's length?

***********

JJ knew that I was sad. But he doesn't quite know the main reason.

For the rest of the night, he just tried to be nicer. He deleted that bloody QingYu's number away. Got home number too!! Aaargh..

Anyway, he sang Andy Lau's songs to me..(Background: He listens to only english songs now.) He was looking into my eyes singing to me.. Gosh, suddenly he exclaimed that I am blushing. I don't know. But, I was really shy and paiseh. I can never look into my boyfriend's eyes for long.

The first time I went KTV with him was the night after he asked me to be his girlfriend but I rejected him. We quarrelled over it. Hahaha.. and realised that each other is bad tempered. AFter the quarrel, we went KTV at 1am. He was mostly listening to me and smsed me,"Your voice is only going to make me fall deeper in love with you." We didn't get together until sometime later when I made up my mind to go out only with him. Didn't like the idea of dating around and taking my time to choose one.

The Second time we went KTV was recently. After that night, I told him that I think he's more shuai4 (better looking) than Andy Lau. Maybe, maybe, that's why he started listening to his old Andy Lau's CDs recently and sang to me earlier? Sigh.or is he just guilty and trying to make it up to me? He didn't tell me about this bloody QingYu until I found out earlier.

WHY MUST LIKE THAT????

That juvenile bitch must be sleeping soundly at home now, or missing my darling JJ, while I am here fuming away... God..Help! ERps... God must be super displeased with me for all this ranting and swearing. Sigh..Okie, I know that I am not living my life the way I should.

Don't write liao.. 1.35am in the middle of the night alone, my mind tend to wander away to engage in self destructive thoughts.

new addition

Chewy Toys for Puppies?
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Actually, Neon Pink Dumbells from JJ. 1kg each. For my untoned [euphemism?! :) ] arms.

life is beautiful, once again

300 pple died in a stampede in India.

What a horrible way to end a human life...

****

There are still so many parts of the World I have yet been to. So many things I have yet seen.

Haven't had my 'multi church' wedding. Haven't had my own lovely babies.

Life is Beautiful once again...

'multi church wedding' -- haha.. The idea was from the show Birth starring Nicole Kidman. She and her husband renewed their vows at many churches in the world after they got married. Oh, I wonder if JJ the atheist would mind a church wedding.

idle

I am feeling lonely and aimless. My life lacks meaning now.

I need something meaningful to do. I hate idling at home all day, day after day. I hate it.

***

I like the show "desperate housewives". * Grin *

the cruel reality in recruitment

Today, I went down to Palais Renaissance (whatever the spelling) to hand deliver my job application. Cos today was the last day. Depressingly, there were a number of applications in the letterboxes, not including those from the last 4 days. So much competition. Retail and Training Executive for Elizabeth Arden. Hey, I am really interested in this job. This is the second job so far that I am interested in.

I asked JJ how he got his current job. He went for an interview for HR executive. There were many other applicants, but he was the only one who got in. How on Earth did he get the job? He's not outspoken, he's not outstanding in his credentials either, HOW DID HE GET THE JOB???!!!!

My conclusion -- the female HR manager who conducted the interviews loves his face. I am 100% sure. Oh, by the way, she admitted that she only wanted to hire male ones as she would be working very closely with who she hires. Basically, she's hiring a personal assistant. She finds girls too sensitive. And I bet she is attracted to JJ's appearance. Hey, not because he is my boyfriend that I say he looks good. That's the opinion of many girls, including my friends, family etc. Guys do not share the same view though, but this is not the point.

The point is, I know that the recruitment process in Singapore tends to be much more unprofessional and irrational, often based on gut feelings and personal preferences. I heard this from the HR people at a reknown hotel giant and many many other sources. There are just way too many applicants to consider for the same job. You could be marked down for your hair, your clothes, your voice, your whatever, or be given credit for the same.

When I went for the interview at a reknown property company a couple of months' back, the interviewer feedback that she is "definitely looking for someone who looks pleasant". (Does it mean that I am pleasant looking which fits part of her criteria or I am not? *Shrug* In anyway, she doesn't look pleasant. I look a lot better. )

I don't know what that means, but I didn't get the job cos I was too passive during the interview. Anyway, I wasn't interested in the job, just wanted to go for an experience. What an awful experience. I went Lau PaSat alone to eat a huge bowl of noodles and walked about alone feeling lousy about myself, feeling lousy that I gave someone a chance to think that I am not good enough.

Sales and Marketing people are always looking for pleasant looking individuals. That's a euphemism to cynical me. They just want goodlooking guys and girls, cos customers (plus pple in the company itself) love to deal with goodlookers. Character and Credentials are important too, but we can't deny that the extent to which these two elements are important, can be compromised. Whatever lah.. Aaarghh..

Why am I pissed?? I don't really have this problem in the past. A few months' back, I would think my looks is to my advantage. But, my face is in a horrendous state now, horribly scarred such that make-up could do little help.

I want an experience of working as an executive/ a professional, that is why I am subjecting myself to this GAME and some humiliation and lotsa rejection.

I think my internship company would be glad to hire me back, but the company sucks. None of the 6 of us (interns) want to have anything to do with that company again.

Whatever..

******

I had my first lesson of Pool today. This is the second time I tried Pool - not bad. To think I have condemned the game for years.

20 Jan 2005

I didn't know that the process of job search is so depressing. Well, at least it is for me, since I do not have outstanding grades.

I am quite sick of composing coverletters. Yesterday, I said that a friend offered to help me compose coverletters. He did two which I did 95% editing to, and I thought I should just do the rest myself. Of course I am grateful for his help, cos who on Earth would be so helpful when even JJ can't be bothered with me.

Though, I feel that there are strings attached to his help. He asked me out for dinner tonight. He said that we could go to a less conspicuous place if I am afraid that my bf would know. He also offered to buy me the MURAD kit and a new monitor (cos mine is faulty). No!!! I am going to cherish my current relationship. It is expected of me not to go out and interact much with guys who might be 'interested' in me. Then again, this guy is attached. Is he looking for an affair? haha..

Can SomeOne just give me a job..? I thought I am pretty capable? :( Doubting myself like anything of late.

Merchandising, Retail, Marketing --- SomeOne, did you hear me???

JJ's going to teach me play pool tonight. Then I will proceed to Billiard in future. Hahaha

JJ took photos of all the stuff I gave him. This is one of them. i have stopped writing already though.

Sexy Sexy

Cleo recommends some essentials for girls to equip as our seduce-him arsenal.

1. The White Shirt
2. The spectacles
3. The shoes (not nike track shoes or flipflops, but stiletto heels)

Issit true? Issit true?! Haha.. I can understand the appeal of girls in white shirts and heels to guys. But spectacles???? Hmm...

I shall type out the paragraph on the spectacles in the magazine.

"Don't even let us get started about the associations men make when it comes to bespectacled women -the sexy secretary, the hot librarian, the teacher they had a crush on in shcool, the powerful businesswoman they negotiate with...A striking frame can set off your features better than any accessory can and imbue you with a kind of irresistible allure you can only begin to imagine."

Wahaha..

Hey, I wear a striking frame almost everyday.

Oh, and (before I read this magazine), I took JJ's white shirt to wear for fun. He commented that it was sexy (I secretly agree), but I felt embarrassed and quickly took it off.'

Something is wrong with me lah. If someone says that my hair looks great, my immediate thoughts would be to refute him/her and start messing up my hair. If someone says that I look nice without my spectacles, I would put on my spectacles immediately. What's wrong huh? I don't want to look good issit?

Enough of my Singlish. :)

Someone offered to help me compose coverletters for my job applications tomorrow!!!!! I keep doubting myself all these jobless days...

19 Jan 2005

A guy friend forwarded a website of beauty information to me. Find it really informative.
Check it out at http://www.cosmeticscop.com/

Ha.. the link doesn't work. Just copy and paste it on your browser if you are interested.

*********

No motivation to blog..

i am no good

Why am I so problematic?

Earlier on today, I told JJ that I don't feel good that he doesn't think I am a good girlfriend. Note that this is not saying that he thinks I am a lousy girlfriend, just that he doesn't think I am good either... You know, I just keep thinking that he wish I were better and that there are other girls he might prefer.

Sigh..whatever.. i feel so lousy. Heavy hearted and my chest feels stuffy.

He said that he never had so much arguments with her past girlfriends before. So? All of them left him eventually. And I suck.. Cos I was feeling lousy and very disappointed with the relationship that I told him I want to break up again. It is not the first time.

so what exactly is so wrong that I want to break up?

He isn't that patient with me. He doesn't think well of me. He has a lot to criticise about me. He makes me feel insecure. And I cannot talk to him about some of my problems - job and future.

I thought when two people are in love, they will think well of each other and there is noone else they want but each other?

What is wrong?

I thought I just went tanning with him at Sentosa.. He played frisbee with me. For years, nobody ever wants to play frisbee with me when I go Sentosa. But he finds it fun to play with me. Thought we were eating happily at the Delifrance near Siloso beach which I like so much.

Didn't we went night cycling and it was all so sweet?

Am I spoiling the relationship? Maybe he's just not the one. I can just imagine that if I had got together with someone from my church, I would have been blissfully attached.

I feel awful.

I need some distraction -- compose coverletters... I will be happier when I start working.
I can't let a relationship be the center of my life. It fails me too often.

Do I want to work on this relationship? Issit worth it? Or issit a good time to leave since it's just started. Then again, I am just the kind that doesnt' give up on relationships easily, unless he betrays me.

It's very normal for couples to quarrel. It's very normal for couples to quarrel. Issit normal?

Meeting him tomorrow. Wonder what the outcome will be. I think I will buy him a little something. I always feel bad that my guy doesn't feel happy because of me. Even if it's his fault to begin with. He doesn't feel happy ---> he upsets me -- > I make him feel worse --> I feel bad.

Shall get him new socks tomorrow. See holes in his socks liao.

I thought I am loving? I thought I am giving? I thought I am interesting. I thought I can give my bf happiness. I thought my bfs will be better off with me. It depresses me when my bf isn't happy with me.

And if I can make it, go his work place area to meet him.

Can I just vanish from the surface of this Earth now? I don't quite enjoy life now.

A new lifetime goal

I just met up an old friend. She's never been attached before and has plans to work and travel.

Suddenly, I am really disillusioned with relationships. My friends all think that my first boyfriend was perfect for me. Unfortunately, the clock cannot be wound back and everything's changed now. It cannot be that there will only be one such guy in the entire world right? There must be more than one out there, who would love me truly and dearly, that I too would love to cherish.

Where did I meet my current boyfriend? Answer -- Friendster. Is he a crook? No, he isn't. Not all people you know from irc/icq/friendster are crooks or abnormal beings of the society. But, I would say that some of them have problems socialising in real life, that's why they turn to such channels to 'make friends'. Friends often like to dismiss knowing people from the opposite gender through such channels as "loserfied". Whatever.

Wasn't prepared to get attached within 4 months from the previous relationship, but I did.

During the JC gathering, one guy asked if I am too used to having a bf and that I cannot stay single. I feel like giving him a tight slap, but well...we don't actually tell ourselves that we have to stay at least a certain period of time before getting attached again right, just to prove to others that we don't go in and out of relationships, and cannot do without a lover. No! Some people just come into your life out of the blue. Chemistry happens randomly..So happen that JJ appeared 3 months after my last break up. Why should I date him for at least a year before I get together with him, so that I won't be seen as getting attached again too fast. Malicious tongues. Let them wag all they want.

I would like a partner that really thinks well of me. Thinks I am a great girl, sees the good in me, and further brings out the good in me. Not one that criticises me all the time, often choosing to think the worse of me.

Oh..I would also like to have friends who are more GENUINE.

****

By the way, my friend and I were browsing through some of the man's magazines earlier. I commented that I wished they would stop publishing scantily clad and boobsy girls on male magazines. A typical female magazines would be filled with images of fashion and make up. A typical male magazine would be girls wearing almost nothing page after page. Now, what is wrong with guys? Oh, they are just born like that, you would say. When girls go for rich guys, they are termed as materialistic and all so bad with no character. But, guys are so attracted to girls with hot bods all the time. Girls don't go drool over other guys with hot bods right, at least most don't. Having said this, I feel like staying single for life. One of my lifetime goals will be to get guys to drool over me, but never ever will they be able to have any bit of me.

Had a class gathering yesterday. More than 10 guys and girls there.

Both the girls who have graduated have started working. One at OCBC, the other UOB.

Thou shall not be looked down upon. Humph!

Even though they are all my friends for quite sometime. Sometimes, I feel that they don't make very good friends, because they criticise each other or spread gossips behind each other's back. I kena before.

Anyway..whatever.. Compare and Compare. Irritating. I haven't got a job, cos I hardly sent out any resumes. Gotta pull up my socks. Show stupid JJ and others. ( I know it's dumb, I should do this for myself and not others.. but well...I am not rational.)

I really hope to be financially independent soon.

***

14 Jan 2005

I write in my blogs without considering that my friends might read them! Hmm.. I just deleted a few of my previous posts. Those filled with vehemence that I got vulgar.

I'm going Sentosa with JJ this Saturday. Wanna eat at the Delifrance by the beach. :) Hopefully it' s not under huge construction

Making all big breasted girls my foes from now on. No. Only those big-breasted girls who are slim and attractive will be my foes. The rest - I am not envious.

Not going to wear bikini lah.. Will just don on my vintage Zara tube, a piece that guys don't know how to appreciate. But heck, i like it. No good figure, must hide my body behind the cloth..

I started having an affinity for Sentosa's beach after my break up with my previous bf. My good girlfriend and I hit the beaches on weekends. I felt so free, so free... Not bounded by a silly relationship and finally have the luxury of time to spend quality time with friends that matter. I felt so good being single and free. Sometimes, trying to immerse myself in that state by revisiting my emotions then. Been to Sentosa countless times, never felt that way before.

But this time round, I am going there, attached, with a bf. I will chop him into pieces if I catch him looking at other girls. Nah, I will just pretend to drool at other guys, even better. Though, I am just not interested in any other guys. Why why why? Why issit that when most girls are in relationships, they have eyes only for their boyfriends, and yet guys will continue checking out other girls? I don't mean "taking real actions". I am referring to the INTEREST. As in, I would be oblivious to all the goodlooking or eligible guys around, and only interested in the apple of my eye. Why issit that guys can't? I don't think u all get what I mean. Not putting across my point clearly.. I shall go sleep.

I know I have the tendency to dwell in thoughts that are self-defeating. I cannot go on thinking this way, cos I would be the one suffering possible losses. Why is my brains wired this way? :(

***

By the way, my little cousin said that he's in the sports class in his primary school. He said that their classes are divided into sports, arts, music etc.. Hmm.. So nice!!!! I recall myself in my primary school days. I was talented in all three areas. I have a lot of medals and trophies from track and field competitions -sports. I could play all a lot of different sports then. I won some art and craft competitions too. Then, I was in choir and ensemble, because I was good, so chosen. Oh, I was pretty brainy too...

What happen to me now?? I want to quote the chinese proverb that goes one who seems promising when young, may not be that great when she grows up. ERmm..I cannot type chinese here, so *shrug** It describes me very well loh.

Sleepysleepy...

Love my rosy pink walls.. :)

13 Jan 2005

Okiee..I know it's all my fault that my job search hasn't been much of a success. Cos, I haven't been diligently sending out my resumes. I loathe the composing coverletters part.

What have I been doing? Wasting time! Going around aimlessly... Want a job badly, and not getting any.

JJ is very against me working for Philips Securities. He doesn't want me to go around meeting clients. He says that he is afraid that my character will change after working in this line, and consequently, affect our relationship. So well, I have been asking myself whether it's worthed giving up career options for him.

I couldn't take a job that requires travelling too. If I were single, I will definitely pounce on such job offers.

I want to sell away my scanner, my printer, some of the clothes that are too childish for me to wear, VCDs, a pair of man's NIKE track shoes (quite new), a pair of CK boxers( quite new) haha..... and more..... :( I think I should throw them in my mom's shop. Perhaps, someone might buy them!!!! haha... Well these stuff are new..

I want to work at Wing Tai Holdings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( or Charles and Keith.. Hahaha..

10 Jan 2005

My room's gonna be painted Pink tomorrow. I don't think it's a good idea, since there is already a whole lot of pink and red in my room.

Recently, I develop a liking for shades of blue. Instead of being shades of red, I have been getting navy blue cardigan, navy blue blouse and baby blue stuff..

Love red since young. All my clothes were red when I was young. Serious. All my clothes (exceot school uniform lah) all the way until I was 11 years old. Initially, it was because I think adults like to see children wearing red, so I only wore red. Then I thought Red brings me luck.

My other room is all different shades of purple and white. So unoriginal huh? Girls nowadays go for a lot of pink and purple.

*****

Secretly wish to be a "princess" to someone. But I am not a princess to anyone.. :(

An old male fren bought me a metallic photoframe with the word "princess" written on it, a few years back. ( if u r reading this, do u remember? *winkz*) Of course, he doesn't regard me as his princess. I am just a friend that is being treated like a friend.

Coincidentally, I found out that the abbreviation of my name means "princess of God". :) I guess this would suffice...

*****

I used to be strongly against girls sitting aside waiting for their guys to play arcade, soccer or billiard. I would think the guy is selfish and the girl stupid.

I have instead been watching JJ while he plays billiard. (Travel all the way down to the West and then back alone to watch him today.) Everytime he goes, I am there to watch him, which is quite often. And, I am either the one who Volunteer to go and would smile happily if he asks me to go. I will bring a magazine or book along though. Honestly, I don't mind just watching/ reading for hours and I actually enjoy it. He feels happy that I am around watching him too. Used to hate billiard, I have recently asked him to teach me. Ever tried pool only once in my entire life. My lessons haven't started.

I used to dislike guys who like to watch soccer. So stupid of guys to only watch and not play the sport. It simply bores me too. JJ is one such guy who loves to watch soccer but doesn't play the sport. He once said that the guy would be very happy if his gf would sit with him to watch soccer matches together.

Actually, I think I have better things to do, such as read a book or magazine. But well, it's in my plans to try to watch a soccer match with him one day.

I also dislike guys who collects toys. What a stupid money wasting hobby!!!! Unfortunately, JJ is one of these guys -Spawn. Lots and lots of Spawn stuff in his house collecting dust. He goes Clarke Quay so often to check them out. I declare that I would never buy him any Spawn toy.. Come to think of it, before getting together, he said that he would stop collecting if I don't like it. Now I remember. How come he still collects now? Hmm.. Cos I am already his girlfren now and he doesn't have to 'pretend' anymore? Tmr, I shall complain about this to him.. Well, anyway, I am thinking that I would buy him a Spawn toy one day as a surprise.. :)

Guys like billiard is akin to girls liking shopping? Even when he's bored with shopping, he would still accompany me.

Guys like to watch soccer is akin to girls liking to watch silly movies such as "the cinderella story". Even though he isn't interested in such movies, he would still watch with me.

Guys like to collect useless toys. Girls like to collect silly useless soft toys too. For this, hmm..I don't collect anything. I don't buy soft toys anymore. Don't want to waste money and leave them on the mantel pieces to collect dust. Still, it's ok.. I know if I were to start collecting, he won't object to it too..

Oh..and comics!!! Lotsa guys like to read them. I find it a waste of money too. And JJ regularly buys them..! But well, I guess it's just like girls buying female magazines to read.

Suddenly, I feel that guys are often more accomodating to girls.

When I first know JJ, I told him that he's totally not suitable for me. Cos I would not tolerate my bf to play billiard often, watch soccer often, waste money on toys and comics. He also had 5 ex gfs, not including the unofficial ones. He is also good looking. I dun like to have a goodlooking guy as my bf. Knowing myself, I would so jealous of his numerous past girls and feel insecure that dunno which bitch will be attracted to his good looks n go seduce him. Oh, he was also quite quiet and boring and we didn't have much to say to each other about. And he had a 'rival' then too.

During those days, he would write on his friendster profile or msn nick that he's hopeless and all. Each time I meet up with him, he would fear that it's the last time I would ever agree to meet him out again. I was to make a decision whether to be with JJ or the other guy. At first, JJ was totally out. Then it became a tough decision to make. Towards my self-imposed deadline to make a choice between the two, it became clear that I would choose JJ. JJ was totally surprised that I chose him and the other guy was totally totally shocked that I didn't choose him.

Choosing JJ was initially totally based on my feelings. I decided to heck care about all the stuff I dislike about him. All I know was that there was increasing chemistry. Didn't care if it would last long. Didn't care if he were good hubby material.

Thank God I made the right choice. IT's besides the point whether JJ makes a good bf and hubby. It would have been bad if I choose the other guy!! He is very nice lah. But, I prefer one from similar education background, smarter than me, more capable than me.. I realised I could not look up to or respect him at all. Actually, I also prefer the guy to be a lot taller and bigger size than me. JJ would worry that I regret my choice, but I never ever did! Told JJ how glad I was that he came into my life, else I would have made a silly mistake to be with that other guy.

Some discussions

Met up with JJ after his exam today.

He bought me Elva Hsia's album for a surprise. :O) I have been wanting to buy it for quite a while. I mostly buy compilations. Can't bear to splurge too much on CDs.

We stopped talking about the incident. And as usual, when I am with him, I don't have those negative thoughts. I don't feel any resentment or bitterness. Instead, we just chatted normally. So he joked that he needs to buy a lot of super glue to stick me to him, and that he doesn't mind to be with me all the time, so that my mind won't run wild and set myself into depression.

Sometimes I try to slip the topic of religion into our conversation. I won't try to convert him. But i would like him to know more about the religion, and let him decide for himself whether he wish to adopt this belief.

He said that Toaism has a lot of Gods -- Confucious, Monkey God, This God that God. But, Christianity only has one Jesus Christ. There are so many people on Earth, how would Jesus be able to hear everyone's prayer and attend to everyone's needs?

My reply to this. Firstly, Toaism doesn't have a lot of gods. Toaism is a way of life. The numerous gods were came up by some followers who distort the religion, altering the religion with their superstitions.

Then, Jesus isn't the one that we pray to. We pray to God, father of Jesus and the entire human race. And I just say that if we are being created by God, we won't be that intelligent and wise to be able to decipher the ultimate truth. It's true that a human leader can only take care of the needs of a limited number of followers. But, we cannot assume that God wouldn't be able to do that. We cannot use our own human logic and use what happen on Earth to decide what should happen in Heaven too.

I said that this is a very common question by many. Another very common question is that if God is merciful and love the human race, why would he allow disasters such as the recent Earthquake and subsequent Tsunamis to take place? We didn't quite use religion to explain this phenomena, but had similar opinions.

Nature has its order and will regulate by itself. The human population cannot keep on growing. Natural disasters happen for some purposes, one of which is to control the population size.
!!! I need to sleep liao.. Haven't finished what I want to type. Anyway, i know it sounds "inhumane" and unfeeling to say that the disasters are to make sure that Earth would not be overpopulated and so some people have to die. Of course, I feel sad and think that these people don't deserve to die, but this is just an opinion on the broad picture of Nature.

Before I forget.. JJ said that Japan's geographical location is such that it is prone to many natural disasters. But not so much now. It's because the Japanese can contribute a lot, positively, to the rest of the world. So, they are staying. You might say that The Japanese are also very intelligent to lessen the damage and carnage from natural disasters. But, if God wants to wipe off more Japs, their intelligence would not be able to stop Him. It's just personal opinions here.

He said that countries such as Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka are very badly hit for similar reasons. It's quite mean to say this, but it seems to be a reflection of Charles Darwin's concept of evolution --The fittest survive. These countries are also very heavily populated, so perhaps, that 's why God target at these countries --reduce their population, therefore reducing the entire world population. also that they cannot contribute as much to the well being of the entire world, and so they were chosen to go. the fittest survive concept also applies in the sense that these countries are just not as "fit" in terms of economy, technology advancement levels etc to be able to lessen the damages from a catastrophe.

KK..I know a lot of my arguments are not very well elaborated and solid. But it's cos I needta sleep. I am in a hurry... i still haven't finished typing! hmm.. Nitee.. oh ..I want to write about some intellectual talks I have with him. Simply happy to finally have a boyfriend who "speaks my language".

More ups than downs, I guess

"It is not a crime to prance around pretty with make up. It is a crime to let urself remain ugly when u can make yourself look better." ~~ Xiaxue

That's a quote from a famous blog. She sure writes with wit, not really referring to the 2 lines above though they are very true.

I lost my M.A.C concealer!!!!! Some days' back, I lost a new ZA product which I didn't even get to use. This is weird, I am seldom such a muddlehead.

Anyway, JJ's mommy was horrified to see the condition of my face without make up this afternoon. She immediately went down to buy some medicinal stuff, cooked and made me drink it - those drinks with "cooling" properties. She planned to make me drink twice a week, cos I don't go to their house often. Also in her plans for me stop using my existing pimple cream. She's getting me another brand that I haven't heard of. Ok, I will listen to her.. haha.. After all, she's got excellent complexion even at the age of 48. Though, I think the credit goes to her good genes.

LAughed my way into 2005 with JJ watching "Meet the Fockers". Guess what, I didn't laugh at all in the first episode. I was actually bored then.

We have not be quarrelling for sometime.. YayYayYaY!!! We have been more sensitive to each other's feelings, less self absorbed and more giving.

Extract from a conversation on msn with JJ earlier.


ME: anyway.. i am very happy that we haven't been quarrellng recently

JJ: haha.ya

Me: ya know.. u have your superstition..I have mine too. U put away my photos in your drawer and shift the photoframe away from your table.

JJ: well... my supersition works mah. Whats ur supersition?

ME: i change ur display name in my hp to J*****. or maybe it's cos I decided to pray abt our relationship.

JJ's friend told him that a couple in relationship should not place their photos on their personal tables at home, or they will quarrel incessantly. He told me this long time ago. Recently, I realised he really put my photos away.. Hilarious. I don't know the logic though.

I was doing the same coincidentally too. I have none of his photos displayed in my room. And I changed his name in my handphone. It used to be J*****, his name by birth. I changed it to 'My Prince' sometime after getting together. On one occasion after an argument, I cried and deleted all the messages he sent me and changed the name on back to J*****. I do that when I am very pessimistic about the relationship. Anyway, the time when his name was just J***** in my hp, we were the happiest together. I shall let that be. This is my superstition. Hiakzz..

If you think we are dumb to be superstitious. Well, actually, it's all the works of Psychology and I know. I am sure God answered my prayer too. (Well, some of you might still think this is yet another superstition, but I personally believe the former is, not the latter.) If you are smart enough, you would be able to analyze the situation without my explanation. Anyway, my blog is more of a personal one. I don't have the time nor whatever else it takes to be an entertaining blogger. So, don't need to try to explain the psychology issue.

****

I have been over the moon some things JJ said recently. On one occasion, he asked me never to look down on him. I asked him not to look down on me too. On that, he said, "Actually, I think you are very clever, but you just lack discipline. Ooops!" Whose opinion carries more weight to me but that of my beau. It's a million times more flattering than when he says that I am beautiful in his eyes.

Another joyful bit of our conversation.

Me: Why have you never said that you feel lucky to have me as your girlfriend before?

JJ: I don't say doesn't mean I don't feel so.

ME: Why would you feel lucky anway?

JJ: cos you really love me alot

JJ: with all your heart

ME: hee

JJ: you are stubborn, but you do try to change for me

I will never know if he was stressed into telling me that he feels lucky. It is certainly most unpolitically correct to say otherwise. Still the part that he said he feels that I love him a lot must be true. Though the irony is that I, myself, do not know if I really love him with all my heart. I have changed so much that I did not realise it myself.

There is hope for my relationship again..

Today after he finished his assignment, he wanted to sleep, but I wanted to cycle. So he rang4 me. He jogged while I cycled. I set the gear to the second most tedious level so that I can work out my legs more. There were a mere few beads of perspiration after 3km. So, JJ waited for me at one end while I continued to cycle more. Wish I had my track shoes with me so that I could run.

I can't stand having a marshmallowy tummy, albeit flat. I can't stand the slack skin on my upper arms and face -- due to weight loss without exercising. For many years of my life, I was fit. Once you have tasted having a body that is toned, you just can't stand it when it becomes flabby.

Once, I was talking to two girlfriends about our past CCAs. I said I was from basketball in JC. The two of them looked at me in disbelief and suggested that I was bluffing them. Imagine my mannerisms and appearance now. I applied sunblock on my arms when I am out in the sun from office to go to lunch. The door always looks too heavy for me to push open. etcetc..

JJ would never know what I was like when young or even in SMU if I don't tell him. People just think that I am gentle, no temper, demure, easily bullied, quiet and I quote"rather reserved in nature". MAdness..

Told JJ that I want to show him my trophies won from track and field back in primary school days. They are mostly rusty already though. Yeah, only primary school unfortunately. Was more into music in secondary school, didn't do sports competitively. In JC did sports again.

God and JJ's opinions matter most.

I am crazy.. it's 5am..I am crazy..... I know the main culprit of my disastrous complexion is late night sleeping. I am going to get a job asap, so that I would start sleeping regularly.

Dream Dare Do

Do I have a dream?

Is travelling around the world my dream? Japan, US, Europe....

But before that I have to bring in the dough. I am presently trapped in poverty. No joke. But I am the only one in my family caught in this trap. HaiZ....

I want to be a professional in the business field, don on smart clothings and heels, with polished mannerisms and ettiquette.

I want to import goods to distribute in Singapore.

I want to export goods to distribute in the less developed countries.

I want to own and run 4 retail outlets. (Just enough money to do what I want. Don't have to be like those typical popular Singaporean chains like Breadtalk, Charles & Keith etc that have outlets mushrooming all over the island.)

Top these with a happy family.

I actually have specific plans right before I even went into University. Hmm..Not that my ideas and plans are fantastic, but I shall not type them out. Anyway, ideas will expire, because some other aspiring entrepreneurs would have pre-empt me.

Dream

Dare

Do!

It's not original. This is the title of a students' play back in secondary school. Well, it makes a lot of sense. Just reiterate to yourself everyday.

**

New Year's Eve.. Going IMM with JJ. We will just pick and mix food from different stores and sit down to eat. Then watch "Meet the Fockers" at Jurong Point. It's not a special day, but too saddening to stay in. So, decided to just have a plain normal peaceful night.

He wanted to go Robertson Walk and drink..Hmm... I wasn't keen. Expensive.