i am no good

Why am I so problematic?

Earlier on today, I told JJ that I don't feel good that he doesn't think I am a good girlfriend. Note that this is not saying that he thinks I am a lousy girlfriend, just that he doesn't think I am good either... You know, I just keep thinking that he wish I were better and that there are other girls he might prefer.

Sigh..whatever.. i feel so lousy. Heavy hearted and my chest feels stuffy.

He said that he never had so much arguments with her past girlfriends before. So? All of them left him eventually. And I suck.. Cos I was feeling lousy and very disappointed with the relationship that I told him I want to break up again. It is not the first time.

so what exactly is so wrong that I want to break up?

He isn't that patient with me. He doesn't think well of me. He has a lot to criticise about me. He makes me feel insecure. And I cannot talk to him about some of my problems - job and future.

I thought when two people are in love, they will think well of each other and there is noone else they want but each other?

What is wrong?

I thought I just went tanning with him at Sentosa.. He played frisbee with me. For years, nobody ever wants to play frisbee with me when I go Sentosa. But he finds it fun to play with me. Thought we were eating happily at the Delifrance near Siloso beach which I like so much.

Didn't we went night cycling and it was all so sweet?

Am I spoiling the relationship? Maybe he's just not the one. I can just imagine that if I had got together with someone from my church, I would have been blissfully attached.

I feel awful.

I need some distraction -- compose coverletters... I will be happier when I start working.
I can't let a relationship be the center of my life. It fails me too often.

Do I want to work on this relationship? Issit worth it? Or issit a good time to leave since it's just started. Then again, I am just the kind that doesnt' give up on relationships easily, unless he betrays me.

It's very normal for couples to quarrel. It's very normal for couples to quarrel. Issit normal?

Meeting him tomorrow. Wonder what the outcome will be. I think I will buy him a little something. I always feel bad that my guy doesn't feel happy because of me. Even if it's his fault to begin with. He doesn't feel happy ---> he upsets me -- > I make him feel worse --> I feel bad.

Shall get him new socks tomorrow. See holes in his socks liao.

I thought I am loving? I thought I am giving? I thought I am interesting. I thought I can give my bf happiness. I thought my bfs will be better off with me. It depresses me when my bf isn't happy with me.

And if I can make it, go his work place area to meet him.

Can I just vanish from the surface of this Earth now? I don't quite enjoy life now.