Up on a ferris wheel

2009-01-07T00:17:00.003+08:00

I am an efficient shopper.

I know which shops carry things I like and would go mostly to those shops to browse. There are about 5 brands I would look at.

Once in the shop, I would scan through all the clothes and collect everything I fancy to try in the fitting room. Sometimes, nothing catches my eyes. The most I would try is about 4 items.

I make quick decisions about buying too.

Sounds like making impulse purchases huh.

Can't stand combing almost every shop, trying loads and hesitating whether to buy or not for the longest time.

2009-01-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

If Tempest Blue were to read my blog again now, he would frown upon the recent contents and think that I'm back to my old self again.

DEcided I have had enough of looking dull and stressed over housework and looking after my kid.

In order of priority to be fixed as below.

1. Teeth Whitening
2. New spectacles
3. Rebond hair
4. Sign up for a Bioskin FAcial treatment package
5. Sign up for a slimming treatment package at London Weight Management

As I have a limited budget.. I'm going for 1 to 3 first.

I will do 4 hmm..I will go check it out if I can use my credit card to pay in instalments. My heart will bleed if I have to fork out over 3K for such things at one go. If they don't allow payment by instalment.. hmm.. I don't know. Not as if my husband will ever offer to pay for me. He will encourage me to go for such stuff, but not offer any single cent. All his extra cash goes to his darn car.

***

I took baby to playgroup for the first time today. It's such a memorable day, her first day of school ever..I should have taken a photo there! I didn't. Well, I will do it next lesson. A parent is required to accompany each child throughout the entire lesson.

She freaked out when the teacher wanted everyone to paint their hands red to do handprints. She clung on to me so tightly like a koala I once carried in Australia 1o years back, saying "scared" incessantly. I only managed to get her to do one handprint. I wanted to put it up on the wall at home, but she started freaking out when I did so again saying that she was scared. She also freaked out when the teacher put two stamps on her wrists. She hates to be dirty.

She can speak over a hundred words. I have been keeping a record. I jot down all the words she can speak - the clear ones. I excluded the ones when she only says one out of the 3 syllables in the word etc.. She can also recognise over 70 words. But.there's one thing I have never taught her, that is to say her name.

So, when she was asked by one parent, "What is your name?" and I replied that "She doesn't know how to say her name. I have never asked her to do that before." The parent asked, "How old is she?" "21 months" Then she gave me the 21-months-still-can't-say-own-name look. Damn.

Whatever everyone thinks. I know my child is of average calibre. But she's the greatest in my eyes. It's not her fault. Blame it on me and the father who didn't pass her good genes. Blame it on me for not taking nutritious food during pregnancy. Blame it on me for neglecting her during her first year because of my work.

2009-01-03T00:51:00.002+08:00

Maybe there is something wrong with me.

Of all the mothers of my past boyfriends and husband, there are 3 I cannot get along with. Only 1 I find kind and can live with. Unfortunately, this kind one isn't my husband's mother. So I have been suffering.

I AM SUFFERING.

My husband's brother is getting married. His wife-to-be is said to be 34 years old. It keeps changing - her age, so I'm not sure. Anyway, from my observations, she does not give in to my mother-in-law and gets her way, but she has not been criticised yet. Why hur? Issit because of my age or character I always kena harsh comments, yellings and the shit. I think the main reasons are that she does not have a child yet and not stay with the difficult one. She also has the husband whose words carry much more weight than my husband's. Her husband -my brother-in-law will protect and side her if the difficult one is being unfair to her, while my husband will ask me to put up with it, or even blame me at times. Oh and maybe the difficult one respects the 34-yr-old daughter-in-law-to-be more because they have only known each other a few months and the former tends to distant herself for everyone in the family. And most importantly, this 34-yr-old daughter-in-law-to-be is said to earn about 8K a month. Yet to be confirmed. She speaks with such a horrible slang typical that of a neighbouring country. And I just totally find her loathsome.

Are you confused? I have been very annoyed with both the 34-yr-old daughter-in-law-to-be and the mother-in-law. Especially when the former commented that primary school teachers don't earn much. DAMN HER. and the latter also seem to respect the rumoured high waged earner more. So, I have not been speaking to the 34-yr-old one. I am 8 years her junior, why compare my salary with her? Damn. Anyway, I have had two salary increments and bonuses, but I am not going to be so stupid as to let my mother-in-law know ever again. I was so stupid to tell her my pay the previous time. Maybe she should be reminded of how much I used to earn before i become a teacher.

And so, I have not been talking to that 34-yr-old one. I don't even acknowledge her presence each time she comes to the house. Don't expect me to call her jiejie. She needs to earn that respect. I don't call people whom I dislike. I guess she did notice my hostility judging from her gazes each time we met.

Tomorrow is her day for R.O.M. I don't want to go but it's unwise not to. So, I'll be going with no well wishes, but to chat up with the other relatives.

I want a house of my own. I have been waiting way too long. This May, even if the pricing for housing is still up high, I will buy one. I don't caRE. I AM SUFFERING.

Have you read the book by Roald Dahl - The Twits. Or something, I cannot really remember. IT's about a couple growing uglier and uglier because they kept harbouring unkind thoughts. EVerytime I wish for bad things to happen to the 34-yr-old one, I will be reminded of this story. I won't wish bad to befall my mother-in-law no matter how difficult she is though.

2008-12-26T00:18:00.002+08:00

I had a sumptuous classic Christmas feast complete with turkey, chicken, all sorts of ham and desserts. I wish I can eat the same again tomorrow..

Chinese New Year is another ocassion for me to indulge in all the delicious stuff.

*******

I don't feel like blogging anymore. I guess I am not keen in keeping a sort of diary which has no audience.

*********

Yvonne Lim Xiang Ping.. She's got super beautiful translucent skin I adore.

*****

I didn't know that it's not that expensive to go for slimming treatments. I just received my DBS Women's CArd or something. $900 for 32 slimming sessions at Marie France. I might go for it. I will never regain my pre-pregnancy weight without extra help. It's been 21 months since giving birth and I am still at 55 or 56kg.. Still wearing Large size for a bottom. Though my friends are all surprised at my weight and clothes size. I don't appear so. It's the way I dress I guess. I wear lotsa dresses and skirts.

2008-12-23T00:07:00.003+08:00

I am a fan of the show Little Nonya. I get less rational when I am engrossed in drama serials.

I now loathe Apple Hong and one of the girls whose name I still do not know despite her starring in a number of shows. She's the one with the name Zhen Zhu in the show. I get so mad seeing them because they are portraying evil characters. Don't tell me that the fact that they get me mad shows that they have acted well and so succeeded. I don't buy that. WEll, I just said that I am less rational when it comes to my feelings towards actors and actresses.

I now have much much more favourable opinion of actors and actresses I never liked before!! They are Ou Xuan, Joanne Peh, Qi Yu Wu and Dai something. Sorry. STill don't know his name. He's from China acting as a Japanese in the show. I like the romance bits that are crafted in this show. Quite original. My words do not do them justice. My limited language ability does not enable me to word my thoughts all that well. :(

Anyway, I wish there were a man that love me so much too.

Somehow, I tend to censor what I write here. I am afraid that the contents will be read by the wrong parties and get myself into real hot soup.

My wish --- my husband to be someone I can communicate with. I wish he will treat me better so that it will be easier to love him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I am dying to move house. STaying with my mother-in-law and all since marriage. I can't stand it anymore.

Those new houses are build to order sort. I have to wait for more than two years if I apply for one of those new houses. Darn. Can I put up with everything for another two years?

I visited the showrooms at ToaPaYoh Hub today. Visiting those showrooms and Ikea always make me feel like having my own home.

2008-12-19T00:56:00.003+08:00

I told an old friend over msn yesterday night that I feel proud of my own achievements (work related), achievements only I know of.

Browsing through the photos of myself taken in Japan just now. Think I look kinda cute in some of the photos. It's the winter coat and the hat. Make a lot of difference.

Nownownow... you may think that I must be mad to first be proud of my achievements in work and then in my looks, to be more precise, my appearance in the photos taken in Japan, not my everyday looks.

I'm just glad that I don't suffer from low self esteem. It sucks. I sometimes slip into destructive thoughts that way.

2008-12-17T17:42:00.002+08:00

There are a couple of things I like about living in Japan.

The toilets and smoking culture. :)

Almost all the toilets I have been to are clean. The kind you feel good using. The thing is, I don't even see a cleaner on standby for cleaning. I attribute this to the Japanese's good habits.

The toilets in the hotels come with seat warmers! So you can sit on a warm toilet seat any time of the day in winter. It feels good. The toilet bowl comes with functions that can allow you to wash up after peeing or pooing. One for washing the anus area another for the private part. Pardon me for the details. You can adust the water pressure to your liking.

Then smoking. They have vending machines hawking numerous brands of cigarettes. The guide says Japanese have one of the highest rate of smokers. But I didn't have to suffer from inhaling smoke almost everywhere I went to. I was puzzled. Then was told that there are designated areas for smoking, so almost all the smokers abide by the laws and smoke only where they can. This is so in contrast with a particular country where people smoke even in their air conditioned airports.

Oh.. and they clear up themselves after eating. :)

It's one matter to have the respective LAWS in place.. but another to have the majority abide by them.

I do have quite a lot of fond memories of my trip after all.

2008-12-16T15:30:00.002+08:00

I have been undergoing teacher's training at NIE.

Teaching - I gather that many people find teaching a loser job of sorts. They seem to perceive that graduates go to teach when they cannot get better salary or positions elsewhere. A sort of dumping ground just like many who cannot get to go to the good faculties in university will take up engineering or arts and social science. But we all should know that this is some sort of fallacy. It doesn't apply to all.

I am trying to put across that I am one of the exception. It's not that my business didn't do well. In fact, I used to earn much more money than now. I was just frustrated with running the business. It's time for some formal training and learning.

I realise that the thing I enjoy doing most is teaching students from the primary or secondary levels. I love all the subjects. I thought I was a good tutor as after all I was rather sought after. But I felt like a failure at times. I felt bad that I could not improve some students. I was hesitant about teaching in schools because I know I will have a problem with classroom management. I don't think I can handle children with bad behaviour, ADHD etc. I don't trust myself to be on time for school every morning too! It's darn early! You can never never be late as a teacher! But you can step into the office late, at least true for many.

Anyway, I decided that I wasn't good at the business and going through the NIE training and leanring from all the teachers in school will be good. I need to learn about how to teach. Many think that as long as they can do the questions, they can give tuition. It's very very wrong. I did not know that there were techniques till I started the training at NIE. It's good training, albeit insufficient.

I have a goal to be a darn good teacher that whoever I put in effort to teach will improve leaps and bounds.

My family members prefer me to open another student care centre again after teaching for about 3 years. We'll see. I will always teach. As for whether it will be in schools, it will depend. I won't become a full time private tutor too. It's too boring!! I like to be in the company of colleagues. I enjoy socialising, sometime I have been deprived of since having a kid.

Don't feel like doing a language check for errors in typing.

2008-12-15T17:21:00.003+08:00

I am back from Japan.

I won't claim that I have been to Japan.

After all, it's only 7 days and just a little while in Narita, Osaka and Tokyo each.

This is one country I feel like returning to again. Another one is Hongkong. Been there 3 times. I love the food and shopping most. I love the cha can ting. There are a number of such outlets opening in Singapore now. I also love the Japanese food there. Ironically, the Japanese food in Hongkong is much more to my liking than that in Japan. I didn't taste anything great in Japan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss the avenues lined with trees with yellow leaves.

On how education as a child affects ability through adulthood again

2008-12-03T18:19:00.004+08:00

I was wondering about music previously.

I have also been wondering about English.

There is probably a window of opportunity and once we pass that, we have to go through great lengths and still not be able to reach the same heights as those who have grabbed that critical opportunity.

According to early childhhood studies, that window emerges before the year of 4. I don't remember the exact time frame though.

This explains why I can never be as good, write as well as some of my peers do. Oh, I only started reading when I was about 10 years old! Before that, I wasn't the least bit interested. I went to Primary 1 not even understanding English or able to add and subtract.

Ya know, my 20-month-old girl can recognise a lot of words already. I didn't even try much. Ideally I should do the word recognition stuff a few times a day, but I do it once in a few days. :) Ooops. Bad mummy. I am not doing my child justice by not realising her true potential!

Some of those peers and writers I admire can somehow always weave apt metaphors and word their thoughts so well.

Metaphors are such delightful reads. There are a lot of them in Time.

Visiting Narita, Osaka and Tokyo in Japan this Friday! Blew $8000 on this trip. Oh, can I use the verb "Blew" this way? Wonder where I came across this word.

Trying to be on a positive note

2008-12-02T17:42:00.001+08:00

I haven’t written for a long time. More than a year!

I have been wondering how quality exposure to music can affect a child’s development and how it influences one all the way into and through adulthood.

This is to answer the question whether I should “invest” in a quality music education for my 20-month-daugther in future.

Many will agree that training in music can make a child smarter. Does that mean the child’s calibre to learn is higher than those who have not been exposed to quality music training?
Does that initial advantage transcends to adulthood?

I have been pondering and analyzing all the friends I have who have a grade 8 in piano or other high achievement in music.

For instance,

Prissie -- Mid 20s. Piano grade 8. Plays percussion instruments for 4 years.
She’s much more creative than the average person about her age. She just manages to think out of the box when others can’t.

I have been wondering if her creativity is attributed to her training in music when she was young.

I am just lacking in the creativity department.

What I do to make up for it is to search for resources and adapt from them.

If this were a GP essay to answer the questions I have initially posed, I would have flunked badly. I didn’t answer my questions.

2007-04-05T11:27:00.000+08:00

I'm halfway through the confinement month. So, I'm rather free. That is when baby isn't in her grouchy moods. She has been for the past few days. And yesterday night, her daddy accidentally found out the cause of these grouchy moods. I hope he's right about the cause..Then, we won't be so frustrated and exhausted.

What happen is.. babies have been in the mommy's stomach for 9 months. In all nine months, it feels safe in a confined place with a lot of cushioning. Bleah, I don't know how to describe. Then when it's suddenly out of mommy's tummy, it feels insecure. It needs to be wrapped up firmly with cloth. We did that initially, then when baby started moving all her limbs with great strength and always trying to free her limbs from the wrap, we thought she dosen't like it. So we stopped wrapping her up. Then, for a few days, she wouldn't sleep for hours!!! Babies need to sleep for cognitive and physical development. My baby stays awake for 8 hours through. And she only closes her eyes for a moment when someone cuddles her. The moment you put her on her bed, she wails. Real deafening wailing. That we almost lost our patience with her. Now, I'm not sure what she really wants now. Well, as the nurse told us, there's alot of trial and error to be done with new borns, especially with inexperienced parents like us.

I'm a little out of focus with my life now. So much changes in one year.

REgistered in June 06. Wedding dinner in OCt 06. Baby borned in Mar07. This is to me all "major milestones" in my life..

I got pregnant after my ROM in late June. But it was still before the so called traditional wedding ceremony. some people, a few senior relatives especially, expressed their disapproval, thinking that I got pregnant before marriage. They show in during Chinese New Year. Well, it all depends on how one interpret the entire situation. Well, it's my maternal side of relatives. I was never close to them in my life too. So heck. They don't seem like part of my family at all. I'm glad my paternal side of family is often supportive and caring.

Now, I'm thinking.. I missed meeting up with friends. I'm actually quite sociable when it comes to the right people. I'm really a very nice friend to have. But I'm nobody's best friend. I lost my best friend. Maybe I should grow up and stop thinknig about best friends.. I once thought my best friends are those I have for primary and secondary school, to realise now that my JC friends are the ones that have always been there. I must remember to return everything in kind.

But my husband.. probably thinking that he's not a university graduate, doesn't seem to like to socialise with my JC friends. Anyway, whichever category of friends I have, they all have gone through university at the very least. I could talk to his friends though.

My hubby asked me to put up with not being able to go movies and ktvs during my pregnancy, cos the noise level would be detrimental to baby's hearing. He said he would go with me after baby's borned. Now that baby's borned, I foresee us staying at home almost all the time. Picture us sing ktv outside while leaving little baby at home. It somehow doesn't seem right.. Shrug.

2007-04-04T14:52:00.000+08:00

Issit good or bad that I am looking forward to going back to work? But I can't pump in those extra efforts to make everything right anymore. A working mother.. hmm..

There was a newspaper article on how a girl started a student care centre at the age of 21 or so and now at the age of 28, she owns almost 20 centres. My mother-in-law said, "People are so capable. They can open so many centres. You are almost dying with just one." Of course I didn't like to hear that. But there's quite a bit of truth in what she said. I deliberated over this issue for sometime. You know, I actually wanted to wind down teh business by end of this year. Even though the business has been double that of 2006 with still some room for growth.

What's the problem then? I think it all lies with (or issit lies in.. seldom write. been reading and speaking way too much chinese.) my weak character. I have always been very dependent on people. Back in JC and the first year of university, I had my first boyfriend to depend on. With his help, I have the confidence and drive to accomplish a whole lot of things. He's equally capable with a very good character, so he's real good help. Since then, there's been no one to depend on for support anymore. What kind of assistance and support do I want? I need someone with a good character and a little brainy to do the business with me. Don't get the idea that I am real weak and dependent. Cos after all, I have been managing most things myself for the past 1 plus years. Just that to produce even better results, to achieve more break throughs, I need someone good to work together with. Nobody I have employed so far can assist me this way yet.

And then.. anotehr problem is that I am too focused on teaching. IF I spend time teaching and thinking how to teach and preparing teaching materials, then I won't have time to manage the overall business and think of how to grow it. This is another main problem. But my penchant is for teaching... But if i go teach in a school... I don't think I can take the steep paycut.. I got a baby and car to pay for now..

I got to go..haven't finished my "reflection". got to look after beebee...

2007-04-03T15:41:00.000+08:00

hallo..

right now, i am rather pissed with a particular lady. just in case this post is being read by unintended parties.. i shall not say who this is...

anyway, my baby's borned into this world. haha..

it was on 20th March at 3.28am. Though my agony started at 7plus the previous night. It was a total traumatic experience. I couldn't push the baby out.. the doctor vacuum it out. It was totally terrifying.

I was a 70kg before child birth. i\It's been two weeks.. I;m down by 10kg.

It's the confinement month and it sure is a torture. No bathing. No cold drinks. Lotsa ginger and wine stuff that makes me break out in instant sweat.

The hardest of all is having to live with my hubby's family now. I now have to listen to almost everything someone says.

2007-01-21T22:15:00.000+08:00

what shall i blog about?

a little update..

currently at 62.5kg, still 1.63m..developed double chins and stumpy legs

biz boomed this year. overwhelming..desperately looking for good help. 3 teachers. 1 extra that can come only mondays and wednesdays..................... i need one more!!!!!!! the money's there.. but i dun have the energy and means and health to earn it.... darn.. u know what.. because i am pregnant, I lost some students??? they knew i can't teach for a month plus during late march and april... then they stopped............. sigh.............. but i also have a lot of new students lah.. shrug

and my mother in law looks down on my work and capability.. i think.. as gathered from all the stuff she said. she seemed to think other graduates are a big deal, forgetting that I am gradauted from a reputable unversity. she always say how difficult running businesses are and we should just all go work for people. overlooking or disregarding the fact that my business is earning more and more and i earn more than a lot of my fellow classmates and schoolmates. she seems to think that i am lowly educated drawing only 1000 plus a month. shrug

anyway........ i read the newspapers today..and was rather pissed to think that GST is to be increased. It is ok for GST to be increased, since it's to cover the loss from decreased business tax. but then....!!!!!! a substantial part of the money will be used to help some lazy bones in our society. i mean..there are real pooor people who work hard and have problem gaining more income..this lot of pple are worthed helping. but there are a lot who are simply just lazy with poor work attitudes and always looking for M.Ps, social workers, government agencies to help. What they need is a harsh awakening to wake up and smell the coffee and get out of the house to work hard for themselves and their children. not splurge on handphones and dunno what everytime they have some extra money. getting a lot of luxury goods despite having lotsa bills and fees in arrears... oh..so am i goign to get into trouble saying all these here online??? whatever..

i just feel like some of us work so hard.. and yet a lot of our money got to go to help some unworthy pple.. during my work... i have been meeting all sorts of pple that are really unworthy of our help. i have learned to not help them and avoid any customer or work relationship with them. and yes.. some of them owe me a lot of money. I can't be bothered to chase after these pple. I stoppped extending services to them. and we all make it a point to steer clear of such pple. and i can tell you the exact demographics of such pple to steer clear of, but it may not be wise to blog about it..so.. well..

2006-11-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

Hallo hallo there.. :)

Pleasantly surprised to see comments.

I'm back from Taiwan. I would say it's not a fantastic holiday destination. Travelling takes up the bulk of the time. Most of the trip was sightseeing. Not that fantastic scenery too. And some time for those fashion shopping. Contrary to what most people perceive of Taiwan's food, it's not that great. At least, not what those in tour groups get to taste. Whoa..and the bubble tea in Singapore beats Taiwan. I feel that I am quite objective in making these comments..

I think I would never waste time and money to go Taiwan again. Visited Thailand twice too <-- not that worthed going in my opinion too. But Hongkong, hongkong.. been there twice, stayed there a long time. I won't mind going again. I don't need a tour guide too. It's quite easy to travel around Hongkong on one's own.

NExt holiday destination --->France..

Cos of my baby... I can't travel far now. They won't allow me too.............Bleah. AFter birth.. teeheee.. I shall start saving. Must save for two.. spare for car and baby and more savings etc.. Bah...

Ya know.........................Maternity wear sure isn't cheap. Tough to find great looking ones too. Gonna source for some hand-me-downs.

There's no way to conceal my pregnancy anymore..IT's darn obvious now.

GUess how much I weigh now!!!

.
.
.
..
.
.

..My sister guess taht I am 70kg. Bleah.. I am 60kg now. My heaviest ever ever. I'm only 1.63m ya...

Blog again........... Frustrated about the several losses I have been making at work . My own fault in a way also lah.

2006-11-10T20:47:00.000+08:00

Man, it's been ages and really ages since I last blog.. actually, since I last got online too.

Can you imagine anyone in the age range of 20s not accessing to internet for months, especially in this era?

I wonder if anyone I know is going to read this post.

Update.

I registered my marriage 6th June 2006, 060606 right?

Then... I had my wedding dinner 10th October.

It's kinda incredible. I wish to relive that night again.I still can hardly believe I was the bride that night. I mean, I am actually really really married. At 24. I don't expect anyone in my social circle to get married till their late 20s.

Another greater milestone in my life is coming up..I'm gonna be a Mummy.

My daughter's due next year late March. Very close to my birthday and that idiot's. Oooops..I just had a heated argument with him. We just yelled at each other in the midst of a large crowd. I would say I am not that satisfied with him. IT's not that I didn't know he was this way before agreeing to marry him. Somehow I still agreed. Though, if he had never asked, I would never bring up the topic of marriage until years later.

24. Married. 5 months pregnant. Managing my own silly business. That's Satin for you now.

I have been working quite hard. I wouldn't say that I have already put my best foot forward cos somehow, I always try to put in quite a lot of effort into my relationships. Still, I surprised myself for being rather disciplined in my work. Discipline is the one thing I seriously lack for the last 20 plus years.

I have been wanting to go travelling so much. But he's got no money to go with me. So, I finally manage to get him to go with me. We are going Taiwan next week. I am footing all expenses. That's at least 3000 bucks. Well...my dream's to travel and see the world. What a high price to pay. I plan to go France after giving birth next year. Damn. Don't I have to cough out 6000 bucks??? Am I gonna be so self sacrificial???

Somebody I know, read my blog.!! I want to tell you that I got a daughter.. Somehow I was a little disappointed. And it seems everyone was.. Why do people these days still prefer a son to a daughter????????????????????????????WHY???????????????

2006-06-26T22:57:00.000+08:00

guess what.. nothing's nice recently..

not my marriage especially. but well.. decision made so yep. i'm definitely gonna give me best and not get a divorce ever.. unless i finds out that he cheats on me.

issit that when i appear not to read or comment on others' blogs, i will be discarded from their lists of pple they will bother about?

you know what... i go on the net once in a few weeks. i do check out your blogs on such occasions. dunno lah.

i dun want to talk about my life anymore. no one's gonna care and be interested.

i needta meet up my frens more........... i lost myself. i lost any attractiveness i have..

2006-06-03T18:10:00.000+08:00

Today
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
.
.
.
Tuesday is the day.

I don't know why I kept thinking that my dress looks horrid and that I have been looking for a replacement. When we went to collect it again on Wednesday, it does look nice after all. :) The whole process is gonna be real short, just 10minutes. Cos the ROM pple are real money-minded business meanies. 6june06 is a popular day so a lot of couples choose to register their marriage that day..and they packed so many couples at every venue that day and as such only give the bare minimal to each couple. Imagine wedding couples queueing up. Every couple gets 10minutes. Actually, they told us that's it's only 8minutes to be more exact. They hiked the price to $400 that day. It's only $100plus on normal days..

And the garden isn't much of a garden too................ wahhaha.. i have plenty of complaints.

gotta go.......... i wish more pple have real well wishes for me...

2006-05-23T23:37:00.000+08:00

The Red Letter day is near..Kinda scary actually...

Most frens discourage me from this marriage.. -- not very nice..
they think that i am taking a risky bet on my future..well-being. *shrug**

I'm not gonna be that happy a bride lah..cos my dress isn't nice..and my face worse..

should start taking lotsa vegetables and fruits..and exercise liao.. start tmr..

the day is but two weeks away. OMIGOD!!!! two weeks???? only two weeks????? I'm not that mentally prepared..all of a sudden.

*******************

why do some important frens and others think that I don't earn much from my job??? I guess I give pple the impression that my capability is mediocre..else the nature of my biz just isnt' glamourous enough. engineers..air stewardess..bankers..financial consultants.. *shrug*** i should turn these into motivating energies to motivate myself... after all how much i earn is dependent on how much i want to work..

btw.. i really dun use the internet this days.. wouldn't be in the near future too..

2006-04-10T22:18:00.000+08:00

The thing about having a partner who is not that financially able. I have to cough out $400 a month to chip in for the car he's going to buy, for the next few years. then there is the ROM party decor, ROM dress. More for my ROM and wedding makeup and hair styling. Dunno how much for for his wedding band. And the holiday I am dying to go to. Unless I can spare enough for both him and me to go for holiday, we will never get to go anywhere...

u know.... it's really important.means a greatGREAT deal to me to travel. It's what i really desire in my life................

Then his partime diploma lessons at a poly is going to start next week............ One week four times. Until 10pm. Bleah. I think I will probably pop into some of his lectures and sit in with him. and pinch him when he dozes off and waste money. The thing about this studying thing frustrates me at times..I have been done with all my studying for a year. Now, he's going..It's like..I still prefer a partner in the same stage of life as me. that is just working, or really pursue high education.

Bleah.. me lamenting again.. teehee..so typical of me..

but u know what....

Thinking of how I never have to pay much in the past with JJ. He pay for all his car expenses by himself. He buys things I like for me. (Not my hubby to be. My hubby to be won't buy me things during shopping.) Anyway despite all these... JJ still sucks.. and I still want to be with my Ah Beng. No life of luxury for me in the near future.. but well..I always know that I got to work hard to get things I want.. No one's gonna provide me with much.

The "union" is gonna decrease my savings rate for sure.................... Bleah.. I don't even take $400 of cabfare..take cab everywhere also less than $400 a month. Car...................I think I like MRTs now. But anyway.. a car is necessary lah..cos he needs to shuttle between and work and school and to look for me etc..

Ok...enough complaints...

There's more than a $1000 2 particular parents owe me. I think they will never be able to return me and just continue oweing me more and more. and more and more. This sum of money can pay for my dress and makeup liao. Change work next year. This year, must earn more money from this biz first. Next year then retire before I start a new job.

Wednesday is my birthday 12th april. his birthday is 15th april. coool ya? think the little ones are planning little surprises for me. :*)

2006-04-06T23:01:00.000+08:00

Hieee...

I just started to tell a few friends about the ROM in June. Told a couple of the guys from my JC, and news spread like fire.. Those in USA and Indonesia and Aussie also know. MSN lah.. haha

I have had quite a few arguments with him of late. We never used to quarrel. Sometimes it's due to work stress..Sometimes it's cos I am a little anxious about getting married. premarital jitters.. but at the end of the day...I can't imagine life without him.

It's so weird that we are even talking about babies etc.. ha.. but no way am I going to have babies now.. I need a life..

Work's been tough.. Thinking of winding down the business cos it's way too tiring and taxing on me. Thinking of teaching in a school. I also dunno lah. But ya.. I won't be working this line for long. It's giving me too much wrinkles and troubled skin.. mainly cos i don't have good help. and mainly cos.. children.. haha..they cann really drive u nutz.. some of them lah.

My friend always says that I am the one with the most drama in my life.

I dunno what to blog about anymore.

Very sick now actually.. Since I started working..I have spend one hundred plus on seeing doctor on three occasions. I have lost my voice recently. Cos three primary 5 boys from a reknown school in my area drove me crazy. Seeing them twice a week is really detrimental to my health. I actually kicked out one of the boys because he's always slapping, punching, disturbing etc everyone..shouting at me and all sorts of trouble he has been giving. Asked him to leave, helped him find a new centre that is free that specially caters for problem kids like him. Thank Goodness I know quite a number of social workers. but of cos.. even though the kid's a real brat.. i dote on him at times.. bought him stuff etc.. I really really mean well for all the children but of cos..they won't understand. i guess i have a strong affinity towards many of them too.

dunno what to blog anymore..eat medicine go sleep............niteeee

2006-03-06T22:33:00.000+08:00

My family members have been informed..finally.. More friends getting to know about it too.

We booked the ROM date today........ 6 june 2006 which is like 060606..and you know what..those ROM pple hiked the price doublefold. idiots. haha.

I gonna get my makeup and hair done at holly wood secrets.

The bridal shop's selection of gowns is really.... sigh..not what iwant..

i better spend this month looking for a nice one.

Goodness..I'm getting married.. haha..

when the little ones know, they would definitely bugged me to bring them along. Then gotta charter bus bring all of them along.. ha.. close shop one day, everyone go to my solemnization ceremony. hmm.....

2006-03-02T00:31:00.000+08:00

i just told 6 persons about the wedding plans. haha..

my family still doesn't know!!!

the plan is to hold it in june this year.

needta break the news to my mother this couple of days.

we booked a wedding package (photo shoot and wedding clothing etc) on Sunday in Johore.. haha

Honestly............. I wish I can have the wedding I always wanted.. But it seems like he's on a budget and I am not in a financial position to chip in a lot of money to make it good for myself either.. so......kinda........ hmm........... I shall not have expectations.

I still hope I can be a pretty bride.. one of my prettiest ever.

and..it's strange how there are actually guys 'after me now.' They know that I am attached but not know I am sorta engaged of cos..

That guy in my previous post... despite very clearly telling him not to contact him again, he has been trying to get into my mother's good books and appearing now and then at my workplace..and calling me etc.. It got my beng very unhappy. He's not calleda beng for no reason. he warned me that if it carries on.. that guy's gonna get shit from him. dunno.. tmr, i needta warn him seriously.. an sms that goes "you better not contact me ever again, cos my bf wants to speak to you already."
and then there's another.. well.. he better not know, lest i get more trouble.

Work's turning me into a hag. a real hag

2006-02-19T18:51:00.000+08:00

allo...

u know what...

He really did propose on Valentine's Day.

I didn't give an immediate Yes. I comtemplated for an hour or so. Cos I was frightened.

Despite being a little mentally prepared before the day, I did not give serious thought to whether I want to get engaged this soon. And the ROM thing..

I thought it was just an engagement and then the ROm thingy will be next year or further in future. But man!!!! He wanted our parents to meet up soon and discuss a date. Eh?? Scary...

On one hand, I have been very happy with him. His character, likes and dislikes are almost like mine. Actually, I totally lost myself the year I was with JJ and didn't know that I have the good fortune to receive happiness again, until I know him. Serious.

Though, once he gets angry.. he stays angry for very long. Cos I am the kind that DO NOT PACIFY guys. I just let them be. Like what like how?? I did try to pacify a little.. but it takes more than a little for it to work.. so I heck... and get angry at him for being so unforgiving or petty instead.

I'm still wondering how true horoscopes are. My birthday and his are just 3 days apart. We are both Aries. And we really alike in many ways.

What I Am afraid of is..like I have told u.. I still feel like a girl who's not grown up. Not financially independent enough. Don't have enough money in my bank account for me to feel secure and all.

and also... couples are usually very good to each other right at the beginning..as time goes by... things may deteriorate.. there isn't time for me to know how bad he can get too.. I guess what a friend said was wise.. if a guy still wants to marry you after a few years, this shows he really loves you. not so true for the guy who wants to marry you only after a couple of months.

Oh.. I just realised that today only marks us being together for 3 months.

I met all his family members during the Chinese New Year. Even went along with them to Johore to see their relatives. They can put on fire works outside their houses! REally nice.

My family members don't know him though. Only my sister and mother know.

**

Recently.. there's also a irritating guy living near my workplace. He's been coming up to my workplace or I would bump into him eveyr now and then or that he will call me many times a day with incoherent smses.

I already told him I have a boyfriend twice.

My Beng is very unhappy. He wants to go to my workplace area and meet out this guy and talk to him. Goodness...

oh..I haven't talked about what happened during VAlentine's day as in the details.. hahha..nothing much lah..pretty amusing. The proposal was actually carried out in the car in the beach carpark at sentosa in the end.. hahaha cos of some glitches throughout the nite.

2006-02-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

HIEEEE.....

Work is as usual.

It has disciplined me a lot.

There's a lot to improve on.

People who are working for me have not been carrying out their responsibilities and really ruining my biz. So.. I'm working out new arrangements.

Anyway..teachers are soooo irritating... Fail one spelling is as if the sky is falling.. crazy. I'm soo sick of all the responsibilities..

Otherwise.. my biz going to decline soon..

As for my Ah Beng... hurhur..

You know what.....

What would you think if a guy start asking you questions like..

- why don't u wear rings?
-what's your ring finger size? (checking out my fingers everytime he sees me)
-what's your ideal age for marriage?
-What do u think of couples who get married after being together for only a little while.
-where do you want to stay after marriage?
etcetc..

then also says things such as,
- I'm going to spend a lot this month.
-I've been working on something to enable us to meet more often.
and a lot others.. can't remember..

Goodness.. What do you think all this means huh??

If he suddenly proposes on Valentine's Day..I will faint.. I've only been together with him for 2 months plus!!!!!! Though it seems like ages already.

Even though things have been great.I'm still worried lah. I'm not ready!!! I don't have enough money..I don't feel secure!!! I want to feel financially secure before marriage

Dunno lah..

I'm going to arrange for him to meet a couple of my frens. he doesn't know pple from my side.. except my mother and sister. He hasn't seen any of my frens before. But I have met almost all his frens and family already..

it's cos.. i'm really embarrassed and uneasy about showing up with different boyfriends every year.. It's the 4th boyfriend already...until we are really going to get engaged or something, then i will introduce him to my frens and family etc.. not tha ti am not proud of him... i'm just not proud of my personal 'REcord"

and yesterday..he came my house to cook. I have been working on a 1000 piece jigsaw for him. was supposed to give him weeks ago.. but just couldn't finish it at all.. everytime he coems.. i will have to find a place to hide it..hide in my sister's or mother's room. I will ask him to wait in the living room first then go hide my jigsaw..yesterday...he didn't wait as usual. he thoguht i was done and came in when i was just about to move the jigsaw away.....damn.....ruined my surprise liao...... :( hahahhahahaa.. the surprise whcih i have kept for weeks.

sianzz..time to sleep soon again..

2006-01-12T21:44:00.000+08:00

I reached work at 7.30am this morning. Ended work at 8pm. Home for a while, and back to work place again later. I'm gonna sleep over...to ENSURE that I won't be LATE for work tomorrow... **weepz***

I'm willowing in self pity again. We had a little argument lah. He objected to me staying over at the centre tonight. But I had to make sure that I won't be late for work tmr or suffer the dire consequences. Why can't he freakign understand?? I can't take any chances. And so.. he said he shall not care anymore and all the bullshit. Bleah..What the hell.

***

It's not good when everyone tells us how good our relationship is, or we tell each other how good each other is. IT's really not healthy at all. Totally unhealthy..I reiterate. Bleah.. What the hell.

His friends think quite well of me. They told him stuff like below..

* Having her as a girlfriend is better than winning top prize for lottery.
** She's really very very good. You (Him) must cherish her and be very nice to her. Cannot mistreat her. << that particular guyfriend repeated this to him umpteen times. I got free promotion. Not bad.
***yadayada..

He said he knows, don't need his friends to tell him.

I'm okay with these comments lah. It was pretty alarming to receive such positive comments. Serious. Not trying to be fake or humble. I think..I'm just a normal girl.

I just try. If the boyfriend is good to me.. of cos I will try my best to be good in return.

From now on.. I don't want to hear such stuff again. I shall tell him not to feedback such comments to me again.

**

When work is hard.. and my body and mind is tired.. my only consolation has to fail me too. I have decided to be childish and not try to pacify or appease him at all this time. WHO ASK HIM TO BE SO UNREASONABLE AND not understanding. All the things he said were really unreasonable. And all communicated thru SMSes. What the hell..

What the hellwhat the hellwhat the hellwhat the hellwhat the hell.. what the hell what the hell what the hellwhat the hell what the hell what the hell what the hell what the hell...what the hellwhat the hell...............what the hellwhat the hellwhat the hellwhat the hellwhat the hellwhat the hell..

Bleah.. Things get better please............. IT's 10pm. Shower and go back to work and work and sob and sleep in that place alone in jitters and bitterness.

2006-01-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

Tuesday morning -- Friday evening was sheer hell. Work was real demanding. It's not just a matter of dealing with kids who exhibit the most unruly behaviour. There are still many other daunting challenges. OF cos.. at the end of the day.. I can still see their strengths and the cuter facet and love them for those qualities.

IT's gonna be hellish all the way till end of May. God be with me..

Fortunately.. besides God, there's also my beng. haha..

By Friday evening, I was totally drained and getting dizzy spells when I walk. I still went out to meet him after work. We met about 10plus.. Bumped into a couple of his friends who noted that I looked very different, very exhausted. Anyway.. it's like the moment he came, I felt like I found my sanctuary and rest. We spent the weekend together.

Being with him can be quite therapeutic. Now, I'm ready for tomorrow's challenges again. I'm really trying to strike a balance between work and rest. A more ideal situation would be that I can find more joy at work, that I can start seeing certain stress more positively..

My first bf told me on msn that he feels like turning bad. Going wild. He wants to go flirt around with girls irresponsibly. ......????!!!!! Such a sweet boy who was a pious Christian loved by all his friends. Now he's telling me this. Sigh..Anyway..I'm thinking of a future possibility that I can go with my current guy to Hongkong and meet up with my first bf and his current gf there. Will ask him if he minds. DEspite going there a few times and staying there for quite long before,... it's a place that I cannot get enough of. Since Beng also never go Hongkong before, it might be a good short holiday destination.

Anyway.................... yesterday night.. I had already dozed off in the car. When I woke up, I realised he's brought me to that resevoir place near Yishun again. He insisted that I should try driving at least once in my lifetime cos I refused to learn. And then. most reluctantly and a little sleepily, I swopped seats. I practised controlling the accelerator for a while. Then the car moved liao..with me at the driver's seat. Man... I don't have a license ya? Of cos, I only did the accelerator thingy and the steering wheel, he manoveured(what's the spelling?) the rest. We travelled or a stretch and stopped. I refused a second time. haha.. I don't want to get into trouble. Still.. thinking back.. I sorta drove. I was involved in getting the car to move. hurhur..

*********

And.. I should really start replying my smses from now on. Cos I don't. I don't like to sms. I only like to receive and read. IT affected my friendships and now affecting my relationship too. So ya.. time to change.. sianzz.. haha

2006-01-03T22:36:00.000+08:00

RESPONSIBILITIES screaming at me..

I'm totally stressed out. I knew it's coming and it's here. The kids are a terror. I blame myself for my inexperience in handling them.

New place. New people.

4 more new people tmr.

But..I just went to the bank with some cheques and a stack of notes. Carrying so much cash in my bag all day. All hard earned money. REally hard earned. I try very hard to give them their money's worth. Take their little money, work myself crazy. All of us aren't taking the workload and stress well. Cos, we all still try to maintain our social life. It's hard to have both an active social life and great work achievements. They don't quite go together. Not for my case.

My character of not liking to charge much is still quite there. So, sometimes, I leave others to do the fees negotiation. Wait. Let me continue to build up the reputation and network first. Then... I will up the price levels further.

It's just kids, u might think. It's more than that.

I wish that someone cares more. He needs to show me more concern, other than a simple sms of "stress issit? take care" Bleah. Sounds like a message from acquaintance.

I realised that on days I don't meet him, he instantly becomes a stranger to me. Really.. Don't know why. We didn't meet today. He's like a stranger to me already. I'm so tired with work I don't care about him anymore.

I'm escaping...

I actually have tons of work awaiting me. But I have been doing everything except those work. Not marking papers lah. Other stuff..

When this little business stabilises.. I will do another side biz.... God Blesss... I don't want to be stuck in a small place with children driving me mad.

2006-01-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just came back from Genting. hahahahaa..

I told myself that I would never go there again, cos there just isn't much to do there and I should just save the money to work towards a more worthy trip.

Then..I went again. He suddenly smsed me asked me if I wanted to go for a short trip this holiday weekend and off we went.

and.........
Genting has never been more enjoyable before. :)

Scary theme park rides, Bowling, KTV, Eat all the food I haven't eaten before,Shooting games, Shopping,Choosing clothes for each other,Foot massages,go casino seesee, taking super long bus rides, with each other one the last day of 2005 and the first day of 2006 etcetc Not really what was being done, but the company that makes a huge difference. I wanted to do rockclimbing but he wasn't keen.. haha..I was saying that we were together all the time except for toilet visits and bathtime.

I feel a little uneasy when things go on quite smoothly and the guy's great to me. Not used to it ya?? haha.. more used to being mistreated and unhappy in a relationship. The last two were shitty lah. Oh.. and u all must be more used to reading about my lamentations. hurhur

((I'm in a mood to be mean now. That guy I don't like. Think he's trying to take revenge because I ditched him more than a year ago. He xiao4 one. A little haunting me. He says stuff like he only wants me to be happy all my life and wants to be the one to give me that happiness.. cRAP. bullshit. He used to say that if my bf (JJ, now ex bf) treated me badly, I can always go to to him. yadayadayada.. I don't believe any guys will like me so much. CANNOT BE!!!!!!!!not in this world this era this time this life of mine. whatever..mood spoiler.. and all the I want to hold you in my embrace now kind of sms.. make me feel nauseated. I did ignore him. but well.. shrug.. from another point of view, it helps to boost my ego a teeny weeny bit, which is good cos I suffer from inferiority complex most of the time)))))

This weeek's goona be crazy!!!! workworkwork.. must work then can get what i want then can fulfill my dreams.. god bless..all of u too :)

2005-12-27T22:31:00.000+08:00

!!!

I haven't blogged for ages.

One main reason is cos the computer isn't in my bedroom. Not that accesible.

I'm starting to get warm up to the idea that he's my boyfriend. haha.

I admire and like him in many strange ways..

Anyway.. I shall not go into details, cos it's gonna be a super bad read for all of u.

Yesterday night.. he told me something.. a little a little.. shocking..

He never want to talk much about his past, saying that it's over and nothing glamourous to mention about..

Yesterday night, we chatted over a Yakun session. He revealed that.. he was actually jailed for a month a few years' back. He joined secret societies in the past and was often detained in the police stations.

I tried to picture him hitting other people.. and people hitting him.. Fighting you know??? Hard to imagine.

It doesn't change my opinion of him still. He's all changed now.

For a guy who does so much housework , it's hard to imagine how bad he used to be.

He cooked for me TWICE! haha.. western n chinese. And he washed all the dishes. I just stood there and helped a little now and then. STark contrast to the past, when I would be the one cooking and the one washing all the dishes..and everytime I go to have dinner at someone's place I have to wash everyone's dishes there... He just sit there shake legs.

I've realised one thing though.. as much as he denies it.. I think he's the kind that is easily jealous. Must refrain from talking about ex bfs (unless it's bad stuff) and going out with other guyfriends alone. USually.. he will be very cold for sometime after I meet up a guyfriend etc.. He kept saying he doesn't mind though. I DON't BELIEVE liao..

And.. of cos..I'm still afraid.. I know fear can keep me from getting more.. but hmm.. how much do I know of him?

His mom been asking all sorts of questions to check out how much I earn. Irritating leh. That's my top secret. Boyfriend doesn't get to know either.

Lastly.......................

I'm into drinking and chilling out at pubs recently...........haha...

And.. I often wonder what my friends would think if they get to visit my centre and see all the works I have done. Everyone will be shocked. Been doing so much kiddy Art. More kiddy ART for the next few days. Holidays over.. New people coming in. Gonna get real crazy.

And.. damn.. There have been many times when I put aside my work to spend timewith him. miss my church service twice because of him too.....................................No good. Cannot be like that.

2005-12-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

I didn't know Christmas eve is next Saturday.

EVery X'mas spent with a different boyfriend. For the past 3 years.. It's a different boyfriend each year......................................................... I really don't like it.. but well well..

I really feel like saying that I'm a little crazy over my dear ah beng of late. hahaha.. just superstitious.. Whenever I say something is good.. it becomes bad.. and vice versa.. dunno.. let this be a superstition.

I'm surprised I totally forgave him for what happened on Sunday. His temperaments.. Maybe cos there are a lot more good.

This X'mas.. I should be spending with his friends and him. Would be going church in the afternoon. I'm attending a different church now. Great one. I guess most people wouldn't want to know about why I believe in this religion. I don't even consider it a religion. To me, it's the ultimate truth. wellwell..

I'm happy.. very happy.. :O)

2005-12-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

For the first time in my life, I met with a car accident. But, I'm fine. The car's not though.

HE!!!!!!!

Did I say that he's really temperamental?

YEsterday, he was all cold and started saying that he's having problems with 'being with me'. And he didn't want to meet me. And he was very unkind when I called him. He said in a super bochup and unkind tone, "Too free, then go jog, go run, go gym lah.."So...I waited. Must be patient. I waited for the entire day since 7am until 8pm before I finally got a chance to meet him and find out what's wrong...

I was totally quiet throughout the ride to ECP. When we got down, he held my hand as if nothing happened that day. I finally got him to talk. He rambled and babbled.. All the weirdest things. He said that he felt that he had not been commiting to the relationship. I asked what he feel he need to commit and did not. He said TIME. I was like.... i thought we have been meeting up almost everyday until I have to deliberately plan things for 'timeoff'. And some other things that were really not problems at all. I wanted to slaughter him there and then.. But I was relieved lah. I just rounded up everything with, "You seem more like the girl than I am. You think too much."

This morning, he drove me to work. HE dilly dally till I was running late. I knew he was going to speed again. So I said, "Drive carefully." He said ok. I didn't want to be too naggy about the speeding thing.

Thenthenthen..at one point of time when he was going through a curve route like a turn with those yellow signs asking you to slow down. Of cos he didn't.. And then he just collided onto the side and the car just brushed against one side of the road for sometime then swerved to the other side and the trauma continued.. I got the shock of my life ya??? Thankfully, he was calm enough to get the car back in track again. I don't know how to describe lah.

Anyway..the car's damages totalled up to 700 bucks. He said he learnt a lesson not to speed again. Duh...
You know..I actually said a prayer in my mind at the beginning on the journey. The roads were busy with lotsa motorcyclists and he looked as if he's just going to knock one of them down anytime. I was like,"God.. I pray for a safe journey to work and that nothing bad would happen."

Then.. the accident. I was like, "God, didn't I jus pray that we will be safe and that nothign will happen?"

LAter in the day, when he called from the garage, he said that the mechanics were rather amazed. They said that the dunno what part of the car was almost broken already.It's amazing he could drive to the garage still. He could have just lost control of the car anytime if that thingy is broken. I guess.. something good did come out of this whole accident after all.

I very scared.. I think I don't want to sit in his car anymore. I never felt safe before. I was always alert. When I sit in others' cars, my other guyfriends' I can relax and sleep. Not his.....

Now..what's the status of things between me and him? STrangely, i would have not forgiven a guy being temperamental often with me, in the past. STrangely, I am not angry or upset with him. We are going out again I guess.

He was crazy.. He said he wanted a baby with me yesterday. CRazy ya? Ridiculous ya? Don't laugh till you fall off your chair. I asked him if he's drunk. NO BABIES!!!!!! NONONO.. terrifying.much as I love babies,love kids. Not till I am married ..not till years later..

2005-12-11T15:07:00.000+08:00

It's over.. no more dating with Him liao.

I just realised I haven't blogged for ages.

This morning, everything changed.

He said some bullshit like "I don't know how to appreciate your goodness". What?? I was rather normal and very nice together with him. This time, I can confidently say that I was great! It doesn't matter how nice I am..

i was really happy the past couple of weeks. Short lived happiness.

Rip the lottery ticket, Crush it, Discard it.

I tell you..I am attracting all the wrong people.

A guy I know from my previous work at Suntec is making advances. He's 32 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he's very short. With heels, I am taller than him.

He's just showing me how he can give me what I want, especially in the materials department. He travels a lot for work, to all the places I want to go! Like gErmany, vienna and the other parts of europe, korea, china, japan etc... He's hinting he can bring me along. At the age of 32, he's financially sound. But so.......... ?

I told u, I attract the wrong people. No chemisty.

2005-12-04T22:43:00.000+08:00

It was a very peaceful and happy night until....

He was driving me home. Being the super reckless driver he is, he almost collided with a taxi. After that, he deliberately drove to beside the taxi and did the middle finger thingy.

FOR WHAT?????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He always think that it's others' fault. He always think that taxi drivers are reckless. I really think he's the one who's wrong. I have zero problems and feel very safe sitting in all the taxis and my mom's car and some of my friends' cars.. I just don't feel safe sitting in my ex bf's and this guy's car. I attribute this to their character problem.

I just don't like it when they like to criticise other drivers so often. They make mistakes themselves too.

Then he's forever speeding.. Sigh...I don't want to sit in his car anymore.

***

Btw.. I was complaining about how I was actually very sick cos of him right? At about 7pm, he actually brought me out to dinner, cos it's very likely that Iwould just go without dinner than to cook or buy yesterday. Then after the sleep and medicine, my fever was still quite bad.. so feeling it himself, he was nicer and more concerned. Unlike earlier, when he just relax at home to watch all this dvds. Must give him credit.

Honestly..everything's been quite nice. The bf I recently broke up with told me that I needed someone who can sit down by the beach to look at the stars together with.. that I needed someone who will not find my dreams and ideas silly.. Ironically, Sometime back, I sat with this guy at EAst Coast for very long. We never talked much. Just admiring the stars, enjoying the sea breeze and the sound of the waves.. He told me that he never had the patience or ever walked with anyone along the beach or sat there before.

Since then, we went to a few other similar places. I never knew about the place at yishun until yesterday. near seletar airport or something. very very nice. so much peace and serenity. Just now, we had dinner with his friends (I wasn't told and was surprised to see his friends all there, as usual.........). Afterwards, he brought me to the Sembawang Park or something.. There's a jetty there or something. Nice breeze. Nice view. The peace and serenity again... You feel all so good....but the CAR INCIDENT had to take place after that...... sigh.......................

it's ok.. just learning more about each other now right... ? it's not ok.. i don't want to know that he's not suitable for me....

2005-12-03T15:22:00.000+08:00

I'm sick, like really quite sick for quite a number of days.

This morning, I went to work with only one and half hour of sleep and my body was burning at over 40degrees celsius. After the medicine.. it's subsiding.

Point is. the Ah Beng wasn't that concerned loh. And actually, it was kind of like his fault that I am sick.

I realised... that I am a very expressive person. I am very expressive with regards to my feelings towards others. Often making the other party feel good, admired and loved, I became the inferior counterpart. How to say.... I should just act like I don't quite care and don't quite like him. Which isn't true.. cos the attraction is actually increasing!!! DAmmit, why do I fall for bad guys. He's just the bad guy kind loh............................... Though he's cutting down on drunk driving and the excessive use of vulgarities. He's still pretty selfish liao lah.

And honestly, the few times we went pubbing with his friends...I'm actually quite sick of the way he's so close to all the girls. and all the girls asking him out etc.. I never say anything lah. cos after all, I don't regard him as my boyfriend. I don't feel like I am his either. We are just going out, trying to know each other more.

Wah.. so unhappy................................. bleah. irritating. I was supposed to meet my old friends for gathering..but I am too sick and tired to go out. but too bored and lonely at home. What to do huh????? Slap me.

2005-11-28T20:46:00.002+08:00

I am turning into a HUGE spendthrift. Frightening..

I just spent another 700 bucks on a facial package. That's the price after 20% discount. Went Leonard Drake. My face is like a pig now, after all the intensive "extraction".

I seriously need to rethink about my current 'career' choice.

*****

DAting Mr Ah Beng has been fun. K lah.. I have made him sound pretty awful. But he's a real Beng in the past. Now, he only looks like one. In the past, he behaved and looked like one.

I keep on reminding myself that we are just dating, getting to know each other more now. It's nothing serious. I shouldn't have much expectations of him. Let things be happy and happy!

He only went ITE. Please do not tell me that I am discriminating etc..

Anyway, he's really way out of my social circle. He doesn't know what many common english words mean. Example -- "pessimistic, optimistic, intimidating" etc...Luckily, my chinese is quite good.. haha.. his friends smoke and swear quite a great deal. They like to lurk in pubs and flirt with girls. Then the ITE vs Degree thingy. But it's ok.. Cos he's smart and serious about his work. So it really doesn't matter. Someone with a degree can be stupid. He's really a smart guy, from my observations. haha..

The more I see him, the cuter I think he is. I used to think otherwise. Gosh, I think I have a thing for guys with long eyelashes. I just like to admire them.

And I really like his style, in the sense that he had been very decent and treated me right. Other guys would have rushed into kissing and all the works. Not him. Oki. I want to stay just holding hands for one year. :) hahahhahahaha.. yea.. that is if I am still seeing him one month later...

Keep on reminding myself to continue learning to be independent, to keep my social life active. Must as I would like to spend every moment with him, I won't.

I need to learn from my past mistakes..

Is this post too ermmm.. mushy or what?

2005-11-28T20:46:00.001+08:00

2005-11-28T20:46:00.000+08:00

2005-11-27T00:39:00.000+08:00

Just now.. I was at friendster. Added one new photo. He's the apple of my eye now. haha..Not that He. It's one of my little boys.

And... while at friendster, it was displayed that He updated his friendster profile at around midnight. We just went out earlier today for like 7 hours. I went to check. His status remains "Single". I looked through trying to make out what he might have changed in his profile. I concluded that he probably just change the "Looking for whowhowho" section. It is now "Looking for friends and activity partners" instead of "Looking for friends, activity partners, woman for relationship etc.." What the?

Of course.... my status on friendster remains 'single' as well.. cos I definitely don't feel as if I am attached or what. I don't feel much obligations. I take it that we are just 'dating'. just going out. And ya lah. hold hands. but only hold hands and nothing more. great that nohting more happen. Nothing more would happen either.

I think he had been using the term "girlfriend" loosely. I think he's testing waters.. well.. naturally we all would having been through so much past unhappiness.

ACtually.he's been assuming that I want to be with him all this while and that I regard him as my boyfriend. Goodness.. This stupid bf and gf thing. For the first time, I am this childish in this matter.

I remember he asked me how I find "our beginning". I was like.. "Do we have a beginning? I didn't know anything has begun."

Honestly.. I didn't tell him all exactly what I think. He's been nice. Been rather gentlemanly and all, despite being a terrible Ah Beng for years. I just said that I need to know him better first.

It amazes me how much common interests and other aspects we share. I've been rather happy of late. In a way, he kinda suits me. I would almost tell you that I am beginning to fall for him.. For more than 2 years, I have met idiots who really know nothing about love...until this dumbass showed me stuff in his laptop on the train earlier. Pictures! Pictures of him with other girls. Double dating to Tioman etc.. So stupid. Gimme see this for what.

We are all just testing waters..

I don't want to play guessing games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want any "Love" games! Don't give me pain.. Go away...

I shall not meet him at all tmr. I shall not reply him tmr. I cancelled my ktv session with a guyfren today to meet him today. I shall meet my friend tmr. Two of us are going to sing ktv.

This Beng... He shall just be an interesting experience I guess.

I didn't tell you his background. He's really pretty ..interesting. Sold vcds illegally, went nightclubs, got into fights etc..

He's changed now of cos.. I met quite a few of his friends already.

I dont' want to blog liao.. Bad mood. Those silly photos spoilt my mood. Plus his stupid friendster thing. Bah.. I'm sick. New sickness.. Fever, headache, sore throat healed..now cough and flu. damn. I shall go prepare to go sleep, go church and ktv tmr. Humph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-11-24T19:56:00.000+08:00

I'm sick..........

Something rather amusing and confusing and a little life-changing happened yesterday.

I was talking to that He I mentioned in my previous post.

I asked a whole lot of questions. One of which is Who I am to him.

He said, "Girlfriend".

I was astonished. Eh? How come I don't know? How come he didn't even ask me? What makes him think I want to be together? So what now? I sure do not consider him as my boyfriend and surely do not intend to go into a relationship yet. I'm not done with tidying up my life yet. I'm not done with assimilating into my new way of life yet.

He said that there is no need to spell everything out explicitly and that I should be able to tell from all his actions and all. Issit.. I couldn't. I never thought that he like me much, you know. I always thought he seemed interested on Saturday night because he had a drop too much. Maybe he's one of those looking for a COMPANION and don't really want to put in much effort into his relationship. Just want to receive from the girl kind..

And.. How can a guy just acknowledge another girl as his girlfriend without her consent?

Anyway..he's another one of those that seldom contact the girlfriend. Will choose to meet me when he feels like it, which isn't that often. No. Not suitable for me.

Btw..I'm sick.. Wish I have a thermometer. And he knows. Will I get a surprise? See if he continues getting into my bad books..My phone just rang for the third time in half an hour.. All the people I am not excited to hear from. Bah.

The little ones are coming to my house to swim tmr.. haha.. I'm gonna be a nanny again. Please don't rain!!!! Else we can't bbq.

Even if nothing comes out between him and I, my life won't go topsy turvy again.. Not again will I make myself so vulnerable. I have found myself a life in this one month or so. I have something to do everyday after work too. In fact, too much things to do. Even if he's gone from my life.. I still have many others.. I won't be as devastated as the previous times.

2005-11-22T21:57:00.000+08:00

This feeling I have been experiencing the whole of today has been rather annoying.. I don' t know how to describe. I just hate it that I think I have sort of... a liking for a new He... yet another He... He is irritating me. hahaa..

I don't like myself to like any guys. NOT NOW!!!!! And because I know it's not gonna work out. and it's really not working out. sianz.. Short lived happiness...

***
Saturday was the day.

It was the day I surprised myself. I like him.

Saturday was real eventful.

Worked in the morning..

He brought me to JB straight after work. I haven't been there for years and years.

The little things. Sheltering me with his umbrella and getting wet himself. Subtly fanning me while we were waiting to pass the immigration. Holding me to cross the dangerous roads.

LATer that night.. we went home to change. He brought me to a happening pub. There were his friends. I drank quite a bit. He too.

All of us proceeded to yet another pub later. One where we can sing. I was going to sing a duet with him.. but there was only one microphone..So I was giggling most of the time and only sang bits of the song.

When we were there.. he suddenly gave me a lot of attention. TAlked to me a lot. Sat a lot closer. TAlked to me about himself. Wanting me to know him more. Then he drank more and more.. Then he kept persuading me to play pool. He kept playing funny guessing games with those girls there too. I refused to learn. No way am I going to shout and play those games like they do. Finger guessing games I think.

He asked me to keep his wallet and handphone for him in my bag. He said that there wouldn't be any girls calling him.

Later on.. when it was nearing 3am.. when the pub was closing.. I went out of the pub. Curious about the night life there at Boat Quay area. He came out with me. Then then then.. the chemistry came. I cannot describe what happeend with my lousy english.. haha... but it was rather exciting. I was rather embarrassed most of the time. I kept walking about. haha.. He said he cannot walk straight anymore. Need my help to hold him to the car. Then dunno how it happened that he just held my hand as if nothing happened. I withdrew my hand. haha

Then I walked away to seven eleven myself. Confused. When I came out.. he suddenly appeared at seven eleven and held my waist briefly. I walked away again.. haha

I had to hold him to walk to the car later. He wasn't walking straight. I stayed alert the entire time on the car. Gosh. Drunk driving he was doing....

We actually proceeded to DEvil' s Bar after that..

It was a super long day from work to JB to Shin to the next pub and then to devil's..

I needta go.. can't write anymore..

Anyway..the magic's sorta broken... write about it another time..

haha..this is the guy I told tempest i would never like. and he said i said it too soon. Wisdom.

2005-11-18T23:37:00.000+08:00

It fluctuates..

I guess I was busy burying all the unhappy and happy past at the start.. I tried to busy myself with everyone else, with every thing else..

But those past events..they resurface after sometime..

Walking along Holland V can be an uncomfortable and depressing thing to do.. I would scan coffee bean to make sure he's not there before I would walk in.. I would close my eyes and think of some other stuff each time I know my bus or mrt train is going to past by Clementi and Dover.. EAting at Ajisen can make me choke on tears.. Many others..

it's weird.. I thought I already know that I would never be truly happy with him. I know that he will never give me happiness.. And yet..and yet.. I sometimes i wish back the past.. wish to continue from where we stopped..I want to slap myself liao. Why so irrational??? Why????

And everyone who told me that I should look for them if I ever need someone.. has been leaving me in the lurch..I don't want to care about anyone anymore. All these just show me again and again that it's best to depend on myself. Glad I'm more independent now.

*********

brought the little ones out. played basketball today. amazing. that i can still shoot and dribble.//that my ball sense is still ok.. *shrug***

2005-11-16T23:12:00.000+08:00

"Why do some guys pay for girls and some not?"

I asked this question, out of the blue, earlier. He looked very amused, smiled and said nothing.

The intended question was actually why some guys pay for me while others not..

Maybe it's a silly question to you. I have several answers to this question.... Generosity, to impress, carries a torch for you, gentlemanly behaviour, just want to be nice to a friend....

Yea.. But which of these is the reason behind him giving me treats leh?

ACtually.. it doesn't quite matter..

Anyway..

In love with shoes from Exodus... Lovely!!!! But impractical... bah.. girls' shoes are like that, most of the time.

I still think that I am a girl..

And I am having regrets buying that coffee bean card................. Looks nice. But it isn't quite a good bargain after all..

I might be going JB this SAturday if nothing goes wrong... I haven't been there for years cos I am scared.... Cos the last time I was there... I witnessed daylight robbery..along with what friends have witnessed and the media reported.. Even my fren living in JB is afraid of her safety there.. Ya.. Me a scaredy cat at times...

2005-11-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

I spent 20 bucks today.. Way to go.....

The little ones got back their report books.. I photocopied all of them.. Damn.. It means so much that they show improvement in their school work and that they have gained from coming to my place.... It means a real lot.. stressing me like mad.. I suddenly have more than ten children to worry about.

Lotsa touching scenes at work sometimes..You can just see how much the parents love their children and lavish love and money on them.

One of them has a serious problem.. She's born (issit born or borned or what.. bleah) with some intellectual disability. She has speech and motor difficulties too. Things are worsen by her character. She's playful and stubborn.

She's been performing way too badly in school that the principal and people from MOE and some other departments would be down to talk to her parents again, about sending her to a special school.. Her mother want to cry liao loh... to know that her daughter might have to go to a special school.. i tried my best to be tactful in helping her to look at the situation in a more positive manner... To me, the main obstacle to the girl doing well is not her born deficiencies..but her spoilt character. She's spoilt from birth, getting her way too many a times..

I was kinda touched.. felt a little like crying when talking to her mother who looked like she's gonna burst out crying any moment..

****

New things to do ---
1. Learn the new songs my friend sent me.
2. Make nice nice accessories for myself to wear.. haha.. saw a girl wearing some nice stuff on her wrist at church.. I also want! Shall attempt to create some for myself..No books to follow from. Follow my instincts.. hurhur..

2005-11-14T23:57:00.000+08:00

Breakdown of today's expenditure

busfare to work $1.05
STraits times $0.80
mrt fare to TTSH $1.60 (estimated..I dunno how much lah..but far)
dinner at TTSH $3.50
cabfare back home $8.30

GrandTotal --- $14.25 (if my tired mind did the sums right)

Needta go downdowndown.. The last portion spent on cabfare was after much deliberation and internal struggle...... was falling asleep there at the hospital liao...

Time to call back all my holidaying students..

Time to decorate the little new extension.. It's basically just money losing taking the space now..I don't need it until January 2006.. Now.. i have to pay double the rent..and have one more place to clean up.. sian bo.. but then again.... the entire image of the centre will improve and thereby bring by more biz... blahblah..

I'm the cleaner, the interior designer, the operations manager, the sales rep, the marketing crew, the finance and accounts executive, the teacher, the children's playmate, and the whatwhat what

I think I have not much energy left to go visit my grandma tmr......

somone sent a text earlier today "of cos, an invitation from such a WONDERING girl, how can i reject." did he meant wonderful or really wondering..or wandering or what..

DON't FLIRT with me... DON:T try to tell me that I am good..don't tell me one moment that I am all special and interesting.. and ignore me the next. Go away all you who will hurt me with your irresponsible way of living life.

2005-11-13T23:24:00.000+08:00

I have been spending at least 50 bucks a day.. And that's the minimal. Help!!!

Why?????

I have been going out a lot..Having way too may coffee sessions.. ktv sessions..movies... and eating out ALOT ALOT..at least two meals out a day...and transport! been travelling around likenever before..

and i have been engaging in way too much retail therapy!

All the money spent thinking that I will be a happier girl soon. I am actually.. But I'm really uneasy about this outflow of money...

Been getting cosmetics, clothes, new shoes etc.. want myself to look better... i've been ugly for too long.. I was at causeway point.. there was a 20% sale at metro which included the cosmetics! haha.. shiseido wasn't free to serve me.. so too bad.. i got impatient and walked away to i nouvi.. the i nouvi girl's a real babe. she's really pretty!!! i can't help admiring her face.. haha.. then i bought a couple of items from her.

Some frens have been giving me treats and free rides.. Though I usually pay them back in some other way by treating them to something else or insist on returning the money.

I need to read the papers.. GEtting way too ignorant.

A fren has been disappointing me a lot alot. But ya.. he can't get me down that much..bah.. I still don't know why he's distancing himself from me. He's alwways been there for me, with me these few years.. i dunno i dunno.. my fren's disappearing.. my fren doesn't want me anymore.. maybe, he thought that i want to be together with him, so he's running away. I thought i have already made myself clear that i won't be going into any relationships for sometime until i am very very sure? i need this time to improve myself.. to think of how i really want to lead my life.. how i can be happy....

he's even put me on his invisible list in his msn.. and not even reply my smses..

2005-11-13T01:07:00.000+08:00

Generally, I am ok.

Sometimes.. I still feel unhappy though.. Some self defeating thoughts will seep into my mind.. thoughts about how lousy I am that he dumped me..and how he is attracted to some other girl.. what if i see him around with another girl now.. and all the shit. just sometimes.. memories of how he told me i have bad dress sense, how i lack sex appeal, how every good of mine becomes jus average in his eyes.

my grandma came down with a stroke. been visiting her at the hospital for the past few days... see her i want to cry.. i haven't been able to give her much yet..but ya.. i dunno if i am just immuned to unhappiness or that i recover real fast these days.. the moment i stepped out of the hospital, i don't think about her condition much anymore.

it doesn't matter that much now too each time someone disappoints me now too..

***

What if I tell you that I have been attending church recently? Went twice. LAst sunday and today. Made new friends. One of which seems like a good friend material.. would be real nice to have a close girlfren again! i doze off briefly during the sermon today though.. partly cos i was tired..partly cos.. i didn't like what was being preached today... it's not so relevant to us..not much impact.. unlike last week.

sometimes.. i still like myself a lot... my name -- means God's princess.. I found out some years back... nobody wants to treat me like his princess.. i shall be God's princess.. haha..

i'm not very religious or fervent now. i didn't suddenly turn to religion to escape. I'm too sleepy to explain now... niteee

2005-11-07T20:38:00.000+08:00

I would have started this post exclaiming how happy I am now if not for a little disappointment that I am experiencing now.. So I was happy for nothing the whole weekend....*shrug*** Bah..Too personal.. can't say.

Let's see...i get this feeling that I have been doing a lot of things everyday. I get this feeling that the last time I went to the zoo was months back, even though it was just last Tuesday. EVeryday seem especially long.. Perhaps cos I wake up early clocking 6 hours or less sleep everyday.. I just noticed a deep laugh line on my face and many others under my eyes.

What did I do on Friday?

Oh.. A girlfren asked me out. We hung out at ... Holland V after my work. AGAIN.. Been going there a lot. It was a real nice night. When she isn't in one of those boycrazy mood, she's a real sweetie to be with. Big Black Face asked me out too.. but I was already out with my sweetie girl. STill glad..that.. there are actually two frens asking me out on the same day... Thank God... :)

What about Saturday...?

Hmm..Work in the morning. Went home to rest for a while..but couldn't sleep cos my phone kept ringing.. Bleah.. Met up two friends in the evening for KTV.. It was real expensive.. $30 per person for 3.5 hours.. This mustn't be good for me at all. My uni frens also asked me out.. But i couldn't meet all of them. Met up bearybear after that.. What stupid names I am giving my friends jsut for the sake of not calling them by their initials.. Stayed over at bearybear's place.. Looking forward to staying over again! :)

Sunday...

Had brunch with bearybear then went to a famous/notorious church. Gosh..The pastor's a very powerful speaker. I like him so much i might go back there again this Sunday. I mean.. he's the kind that is born with the gift of the gab.. haha.. He says very useful stuff.. I wanna go listen to him again..Saw quite a few old friends I know there. Made a few new friends too. More to come. But I don't want to be as fervent and as crazy about their church as they do.. I'm selfish... *shrug**
One of the girls I just got to know ask me out after the service.. We went to a mall.. she waited for me to do my books purchasing then we chatted quite a bit before I went home......

I'm so glad i'm getting a social life again.. I must bear in mind never to let it go....I love my darling friends.. I wanna be the lovely girl I used to be again.. better than before. I wanna earn more.. I wanna look better..present myself better.. feel better.. I must try to dislike less people..

2005-11-04T00:54:00.000+08:00

I just came back from the pool and chit chat session with my uni classmate.

I never knew that I could enjoy myself again.. Serious.. I thought it would take real long.. ACtually, it is just a matter of who I meet.

I really enjoy talking to people who are mature and know a lot more than I do. Can learn a lot from them.

**GASTRIC*** too much cold coffee today. Cannot exceed one each day....

Way pass bed time.. DIE.... I have less than 5 hours of sleep left.

Btw.. I am so auntie.. I went popular and asked them for promotions. They gave me a catalogue. I am a Popular member.. wahaha. Anyway, a sale will start tomorrow. I shall do my purchases tomorrow.

Another happier moment.. Thank God.

I may not be attractive. May not be rich. But I can certainly love my partner genuinely and treat him very well. Take care of him and show him a lot of concern. Believe in him and be there for him. I can be even better, if you do not do things to bring out the bad in me. I'm good.

2005-11-03T20:27:00.000+08:00

I'm writing again.. :)

going to meet Josh to play pool soon.. madness.. cos I am sleepy and I just went out once.. and I just told myself not to spend more money to sit still at home.. haha..

I just thought of many things I can do...

Swim! Aim to look good in my bikini.
Hit the gym again.. REason why I have been avoiding the gym this couple of weeks is cos it reminds me of that person.. Cos I used to accompany him to go gym.
Read! Read topics on happiness and parenting and education. :)
Watch TV.. It's something I really enjoyed that I didn't get to do much.
Think! Think of how to look prettier.. wahaha.. it's been a year since I was last attractive.
Sleep! This is tough... I have sleeping problems recently..
Work! I am wondering whether I should take on extra work... I have parents appraoching me to teach their kids after my usual work hours.. Got to think about it....

Loads more..

I needta go..

2005-11-03T18:51:00.000+08:00

I need to learn to spend time by myself fulfillingly... Been going out quite a lot. If one friend has to leave half way, I will find another to accompany me for the rest of the day. I thought I shouldn't be alone. I thought I should keep myself real busy in the company of everyone. It's not working out.

Josh said that I should have told him earlier that I want to get out of Singapore. WE could have all gone JB at least..for today. Bleah..It's already 7pm now. Another time perhaps.

Recently.. some people have been adding to my existing hurt.. lowering my already low self-esteem. To this lot of guys, I say MOVE! Move off, idiots...

examples examples..

K may seem extra nice, calling me every night and sending me a number of smses, right from the early morning to the middle of the night. He was the one who took me to the zoo. I'm really grateful to him for everything, despite what I am about to tell you... When I talk to him, he tend to tell me about his girlfriend a lot ALOT.. He would tell me all about how he bought her a 5000 bucks diamond on top of many others. Today.. he was so disgusting.. HE told me that his girlfriend would be going over to his place because she wanted to MAKE LOVE. Gross right? Those are the exact words he used... EeeeeeE...Tell me for what. He always thinks that this sort of stuff would make me jealous.. But, honestly, I don't.. I am just disgusted.

Then there are some who like to ask me out and cancel right at the last minute. Sometimes, they don't even inform me that they won't be meeting me until I ask them again.. Idiots..There are some who have been taking advantage of my money too. It's my hard earned money. I'm not going to let such things happen again.

R.. the one I didn't choose one year ago when I chose to go out with JJ.. He's taking revenge on me, not so subtly he thinks.. He would go at lengths to tell me how much he wants me to be happy again and make me happy. Offered to bring me dinner but didn't have the least bit of intention to do so at all. I waited for two hours and asked him again if he were coming. He said not. Ha.. I had already eaten by then. Didn't trust him to do what he suggested he would. Note that I didn't ask him to do it. He wanted to do it himself. He would ask me to call him when i want to talk, but the two times I called him, he didn't want to talk to me. He would ask me out, but changed his mind without informing me until I find out for myself. Ha.. I don't need this sort of people in my life. I am in no wrong that I hurt his feelings in the past. Just because he liked me a lot then, didn't mean that I owed it to him to recipocrate. Something like now.. Just because I put in a lot of effort into my relationship, doesn't mean that JJ has to continue being with me..

I've been wondering how I can find my safe and secure haven in this world..How I'm going to live my life proper from now on. How I'm going to get my priorities right. No longer will a boyfriend be the most important in my life. I have some ideas... Will set out to do it this weekend.

I long for the day..when I would stop complaining in my blog, but tell all of you how happy my life is.. how much I love everyone around me.

**
EAch time I try to be a better girlfriend.. I get hurt worse than before.. OF cos.. I will still try to be a even better one the next time.. If that one nice and decent guy would love me truly and dearly that is..

2005-11-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

I'm better today.. :O) Especially tonight. *shrug***

Most of the times.. I'm being hurt by the thought that he doesn't like me anymore and that he will soon be attracted to loads other girls..soon telling anotehr girl that he likes her.. Sigh..So scary.. That's us humans.. Feelings change, FAST. Please don't let me meet him in the streets for years to come.. Please don't..

Been spending way too much money. MEeting different friends everyday.. Gosh..

And it's high time to BEAUTY UP! suffering from low self esteem.. my hair sucks. must do something about it. and most importantly. i need rest. everyone says i look tired and unwell. I am.

2005-11-01T22:36:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 6am.. For what??? Just a habit. Cannot get back to sleep..

Went to the Zoo..

Enjoyed looking at the monkeys behaviour.. the cute girraffes the handsome miniature horses..

Took few photos cos I have been looking bad.. I really should grow my hair long. This shoulder length hair doesn't suit me at all.. Look like an auntie..

STill very hurt.. Did more things to hurt myself today.

AFter my friend left to meet his girl, I called that idiot. He was terrible. Then I went to his house and waited for him to collect the one last thing I can take from him -- our photo album. It was horrid again.. God..I am slipping into depression.. I really hate him for the emotional torture. I really hate him. I asked him never to answer my phone calls again. NEver to reply my smses again. Let me get out of his life totally... That should be the last time I met him.

I am really unhappy. I am really unhappy.

Giddy.. Choked...

Btw.. I hate the name Chris. GEt away all you Crises..whatever.

Very painful.. Heart aching a lot. I don't know how.. I don't know what to do.. Don't know how to get well .. It's already been more than a week.. I guess the main reason is that I feel no more hope.... No more hope that I will ever get the love I want. NEver... How to??? Meeting all sorts of bad guys.. and the good guys don't like me..

Somebody save me.. Dont' ask me to save myself.. I am trying already.. Need help.. BAD,...

2005-10-31T21:51:00.000+08:00

A kind friend's spending tomorrow with me. MEeting an insurance agent with me first, then going to the zoo and don't know what else. Zoo.. It would beat going shopping and movies at this time.

This kind friend probably told his girlfriend that his friend (me) is in bad shape and he's trying to help. **shrug**

This kind friend has always been there to listen to me when I needed someone badly. He bombarded my handphone with smses at 2am this morning. Saying some stuff like,

"Can't sleep. just thinking. feel bad that i can't do much for you. you are limping a bit today. hopefully your feet will be ok soon.u know what makes you unique besides your sweet voice? captivating eyes and luscious lips....."

guess what? he's calling me now, phone lah. need to go. continue the next time. anyway.. I won't break his relationship. so, don't worry that i am might be selfishly creating trouble for others.

2005-10-30T18:29:00.000+08:00

I met up with him for lunch earlier today and it was real bad. He told me all sorts of stuff that really hurt me.. Hope his car gets scratches tomorrow. What the fuck is wrong with him for chasing me trying to make me believe that he loves me a lot at the start and that he will change to someone suitable for me? He told me that I was just a companion that he tried hard to love more but couldn't.

Can't describe how i felt with my bad english. Chest felt stuffy. Felt giddy and all.. Heart wrenched.. Bah. Hope his car gets bumped into tomorrow, when he is driving another girl.

********************

I have been corresponding with a stranger through email. He didn't tell me his age..From the looks of his friendster photos, I'm thinking that he's probably 35 years old or more. He asked me out on the coming public holidays.. I'm hesitant now..

He asked me why I have been removing photos from my friendster, down to only one now. He said that I used to have quite a few. I mean this is real strange you know. Cos the last time I have a few photos up on friendster is months ago. How he knows??

Dunno lah..Been attracting nobody but uncles.. Serious.. An uncle kept smiling and looking at me on the mrt yesterday. So pissed. It must be cos of my tired and haggard look that they mistake me for a young looking auntie. Whatever nonsense..

These days..I go around looking tired, pale and my eyes puffy and red. Too much crying. Too little sleep.

2005-10-30T00:55:00.000+08:00

There is a lot on my mind that I want to blog down, but... no energy liao..

Was out with two friends from Uni days..

AT first..it was horrid. Everything I saw in ORchard reminded me of HIM.. I still find it hard to accept that he's abandoned me for good. So heartless. I still wish all the bad to his damn car. But.. I realised earlier that I do miss him. Cos while a person can be horrid most of the time, he was nice at times too. But I don't want to remember the nice stuff. Not now at least.

Anyway..later in the meet up.. I had a good chat with the two, especially one of them. We talked about my work. It's really great being about to talk to someone who understands what I am doing now. He made me feel purposeful and more hopeful. I just enjoy chatting with some business students.

And..for the first time in many days, someone finally paid attention to the pain I have been suffering from at the back of my feet. A pair of new shoes had hurt my feet so much that it left a lot of painful wounds. Bathing has been a painful affair. He noticed it and showed some concern. Thank God for these friends..

2005-10-29T17:33:00.000+08:00

Having been listening to some advice.. I know what kind of guy that suits me..that I will feel happy together with.

Not sure if this particular kind exists around me though..Not sure if I should blog about it too.

**

You know..I really don't dare to listen the new Gigi Leung album I bought. I was listening to it with him when I bought it. It was even played in his car for sometime..So afraid to hear her songs now... I know I will burst out crying again if I listen to them. I don't dare to visit his friendster page at all.. I don't want to see what I don't want to see....Bah.. More scratches and bumps to his precious car please. Sure piss him off big time. And misery loves company. I am not nice. I don't want to be nice to someone who's been horrible.

2005-10-29T16:28:00.000+08:00

Have been tiring myself out bad.

The way to fall asleep is to wear myself out or cry my heart out. Crying saps all the energy out of me making me real drowsy.

And so I have too starved of sleep to concentrate on any particular train of thought for long too. Which is in a way a good thing. Can't think much even if I want to think.

*Very sleepy**

I have something to look forward to tonight. Meeting up a girlfren. Been keeping my fingers crossed that she won't cancel the appointment right at the last minute. This is what people have been doing to me of late.. I have a friend who told me that he would be too busy to meet up until the end of the year. He's awfully busy with church. Way too fervent. He asked me to join him. Sigh.. I might you know.. if I really get worse.

I have been fulfilling my work responsibilities as per normal. EVen been playing with the children. Soccer. Badminton. Chinese Chess. REading a lot with them. blahblah..Quite reluctant to put in anymore. But.... the 'new extension' is almost ready! WAnt me to die..The renovation has started and I would have to do a lot of cleaning up plus decorating plus shopping for more work stuff next week. I feel sad that I have to do this alone. I wish someone who loves me would help me out. Note that I do not mind the tough work at all. I just wish someone were there to go through all these changes in my life with me, even if he just sit there and not lift a finger to help, it will be fine.

I wish someone would love me truly and dearly..

wait long long

btw.. hope my frens don't ask me much about my work. I don't like talking about it to my frens -- frens that went to the same schools as me.. just not that proud of my job.

And I wish that idiot bad luck that he may never have any girl who will care for him much. That he can continue dwelling in his numerous superficial relationships and whatever lah. yea.. i have a strong vindictive streak in me. You cannot imagine life when I can't talk about my work to him cos he thinks it affects his mood, but he would go on and on about his work and life. Always criticising me. Always finding faults with me. Selfish brat. I hope his car continue to suffer from more scratches and bumps. Fuck the credit card, the car, the handsome face, the career, the mba and all the shit. I never thought much about his looks anyway. IT's those girls that keep sending him messages telling him to stay handsome. kenasai .btw.. he blamed me yesterday for causing him too much frustration that he didn't park his car properly and bumped into a pole. I bet it's only a slight bump. I am positive it's only a slight bump. I wasn't even there with him how can he blame me?

I better stop my cursing.. lest I get retribution.

2005-10-26T22:02:00.000+08:00

Why are most of friends busy with school now?

Why are those working lot cancelling meet ups with me at the very last minute so so often now?

Why are break ups so hard?

Fuck him. WAste my time and youth and emotions and life and everything. I wish to tell him that I have long been very disappointed with him (in the very first week together.) and that I have never loved him much. I tried very hard to be nice to him and looked as if I loved him only because he happened to be my boyfriend and I hate break ups and change of boyfriends.. and I just want my relationship to work out and not die.....Selfish brat.

I can go on and on about what an idiot he has been during the relationship. How I slept on the floor on the very thin mattress and let him have the bed sometimes. How I stayed up to help him type assignments even though I was sleepy. nevermind.. it's totally no good to list this sort of stuff.

I need some hope.

2005-10-25T22:44:00.000+08:00

I'm still sad lah.

I still hate him lah.

I know I know.. Hating him only burdens me..Holding on to the past also burdens me.. It will just make my life worse..and I shouldn't let him worsen my life than it already is right? I shouldn't go around with swollen and puffy eyes just because of him right? Shouldn't go around looking like shit and sobbing every now and then...

should get alife and live even better than before and blahblahblah right?

i don't feel like it you know.. Part of me still wants to dwell in this shit. Dwell in self empathy.

I know it's good that it ended..cos it has been a long painful year of relationship. Still... I'm terribly sad that it has to end. Why can't we just try harder and make it work? Whateverwhatever...

Less crying today at least. Such a crybaby I am.. The one in Hongkong called me baby yesterday. It's been a long long time since he called me this. but then he's in hongkong leh. he's attached too. forget it.

2005-10-24T20:47:00.000+08:00

I didn't do too badly today I guess..

Couldn't get to sleep and woke up a few times last night.

Was a little depressed in the morning.

Then, it started getting real busy at work again that I didn't have time and energy to grieve over what happened.

By the way.. I slammed the house door so hard yesterday that... IT's SPOILT!!!!! But my family members still don't know that I am the one who spoilt it.

I need to change my temper. It's gets out of hand at times.

It's 8 plus..I'm all alone at home. Noone would be home until I am fast asleep in bed.

My handphone has been dead quiet the whole day, except for unwanted calls from a particular parent. She's always giving me a lot of trouble, but very little money.

My hand phone is so quiet I want to switch it off... but I can't cos i have a business to run still. bah...

Still..I didn't do too bad again. What to do when you are dumped and unwanted? Must try to live life good. EArn more money and look more attractive.

I took the first step by visiting the dentist earlier. I haven't visited one in years. Now I have nice clean teeth. I have six more teeth to remove in the coming months.

The next thing I will be doing is to lose some weight. The extra 3kilos.

Maybe I should hit the gym and pool more often and loiter around downstairs every evening in hope that i can meet a nice guy.

Ya.. some friends think I am desperate. Most people will often judge others like that when they seem to want to be in relationships very much.

I am desperate for a satisfying relationship that will make me happy. And it's so hard to attain one.

When I look at the parents of the children.. I am starting to think that they are very lucky. The mothers.. There are men who actually want to marry them and set up a family with them and love their children together. Don't think anyone I like want to like me or marry me or have children with me.

Just breaking into tears many times a day. My eyes are puffy and swollen.

And.. I realise I have no friends. I haven't made the effort to keep up friendships. My friends haven't either. I want to make friends.

I used to have a lot of friends and would thank God how lucky I was to be blessed with so many good friendships. that was....all before University.

2005-10-23T23:56:00.000+08:00

That idiot wants to break up with me again.

Forever breaking my heart.

Somebody please chop him into pieces to appease me.

And that old woman who always cause us to quarrel.

I'm mean. COS I FEEL TERRIBLE.

And nothing seem to help.

I am so desperately trying to calm myself down, turn myself away from very negative thoughts.

Tmr I will go to work wanting to close down my business again. I wish I were a strong adn rational girl who do not care too much about relationships.

2005-10-23T21:34:00.000+08:00

I really don't like her.

Maybe she's not the problem.

He's the problem.

Aaargh.. There are some stuff I shouldn't blog about.. So sad.

I am so unhappy.

So angry.

I think I damaged the door cos I slammed it very hard just now.

Cos I am so unhappy I don't know what to do.

STuck here at home. Trying to distract myself. Fearing the worst that might come again soon. I was too rash. I wasn't scheming enough. I should learn to be a scheming person, just liker her. Idiot of idiots.

What am I to do now....

2005-10-23T00:43:00.000+08:00

Tired.

I don't only work and sleep of course.. I'm currently very into the game - Zoo Tycoon. In this game, I am to build a zoo and make it profitable and successful.

I do read your blogs still. :) Even though you don't see comments from me. Too tired after work. I'm one who needs to think for quite a while before I write something. Not just blog comments, it also applies for composing SMSes...

Very very tired.....can't think.. can't blog.

2005-10-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

I have blogged about a particular guy before. I am still very annoyed with him.

I cannot forget all the things he said to me.

To quote one episode..

I said that I do no think that I would ask him out or phone him.

He sent me a long sms the next day. Part of it says, " Open your heart and THINK with a SOUND MIND." Would somebody please slap him?? What the fuck is he saying?

I guess part of me cannot accept the fact that I ever liked him, though it was just a matter of a few weeks. His english sucks. I mean real bad. E.g. Do you know of anyone who spells "always" as "alway", even after I told him that he was wrong, he just could never remember. He would use "it" as "it's". He would go "It ok" "It cool" "It whatever.."

And hate people telling me to "relax".

He's so unintelligent. He has the silliest ideas that will not work. Try listening to his ideas for a few minutes, and you will realise how unintelligent it is. He can say unintelligent things very very confidently. Amazing! He insisted that Coffee Bean does not have to come up with any new products (new coffee drinks or new cakes) . Coffee Bean can survive remaining the way it is forever. EXcuse me????!!!!! Even when you try to explain to him that things do not work this way and that Coffee Bean does need to come up with new stuff every now and then to keep itself competitive, to keep his clientele and all.. he cannot understand. Bet my little China boy can understand this. He was so confident that he's right.

Bah! Dont' tell me that he still misses me. cos it makes me nauseous. Don't tell me that he only wants me to be happy. Don' t tell me that I will always find the best listener in him. Don't appear in my life ever again. Stupid shorty with little brains. STupid peeping tom. STupid stupid stupid. SCRAM!!!!

2005-10-16T18:49:00.000+08:00

Went for a once-in-a-blue-moon ktv session yesterday with my friend's friends. I enjoyed myself despite something very annoying. One of the girls knows absolutely nothing about ktv ettiquete. She hogged the microphone the entire night. So I inserted my songs after every 4-5 songs she sang. My voice is quite soft. I don't like people who sing loudly to sing along with me for the same song. I was most annoyed when she picked up the microphone to sing the songs I dedicated as well. I couldn't hear myself at all. I put down the microphone and stoppped singing. I don't understand why someone 3 years older than me can behave like this. JJ said he would definitely be very ashamed of me if I behave the same way she did. By the way, this is the second time. The last time at another ktv, I didn't get to sing any songs at all. Cos I couldn't insert my songs.

There's a guy after her.... He sat beside her the entire night. He organised the outing just so that he can get to spend time with her. I wonder why he likes such childish person who lacks self awareness. Ok... maybe I childish to mind such things... I did consider this. hahaha.. YA LAH! I just hate it when pple hog the microphone and sing my songs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to talk about how I help prevent a disaster from happening last night too.. The driver drank quite a bit. He was sending 4 of us home and we met with a road block. The police stopped us and came to talk. He was at my window.

Policeman: Why are you all from?
Me:What do you mean by where we are from?
Policeman: I mean where you all are from lah!
Me: From Singapore lah
Policeman: hahahhaaha.. Of course I know that. Where did you come from jsut now?
ME: Friend's house.
Another fren: Friend's house from choachukang going home now.
Policeman: hhaha..okie.. take care all of u...

Then we went off. Driver said that I distracted him with my unusual question and answer at the start.

needta go!!! watching that bigalow show.. running late

2005-10-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

The centre's going to go under a little 'expansion'. Taking over the space adjacent to the current one. The initial plan was to change location. That location is better, but it's still as small. Making a bold move to take both places at one go now. God bless.. God bless... Don't think God wants to bless me though..cos I haven't been a good girl, not in his standards anyway..

I.... Miss Froggy-in- her-well these days...just read about the racist bloggers.. I am really against people making racist comments, I tell u.. They really do not understand the dire consequences of their actions. They do not understand that their little action and words can have the "POWER" to stir up great trouble like racial tension and all. It just takes a few of those being insulted to get offended to cause great riots or... *shudder** mimic terrorist acts.

I so like my Malay and Indian students. They are so friendly and polite. I love the little China boys too. Even though they are real real disobedient many a time.. I still cannot resist falling for their child likeness, their capability of expressing themselves very well (in chinese) and their imagination. The Singaporean children can't quite express themselves, both in english and chinese. They can't string sentences properly both in english and chinese. They have rather limited vocabulary to use too.

Whatever it is.. I get very annoyed with people make racist remarks in public such as hawker centres or buses etc.. Do they think their words are really inaudible? BE racist all you want, but keep it private please... Some people are too arrogant. They don't know what trouble they are inviting. AAarghh.. PEa brains

2005-10-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

Today ...

Woke up at 6am to go work.

All the way till 7 plus...

Went to the library to borrow fancy books for the children. It is a joy to bring books to the children. haha... Some of the children's books have real lovely pictures. Have the impulse to draw and paint them! I like the little china boy at my centre. He's such a darling, albeit naughty. They make me think of how I am going to nurture my children in future..

Went all the way to Jurong Point to get bubble tea to drink.. haha.. my favourite.. Shopped a little.

Went gym after that.. STill stinking from the perspiration... Yet to shower.

Boring hor? Hee.. I suddenly find my day eventful.

I want to meet up more of my friends. I want myself not to care whether that someone wants to meet me at all. I want to recover my funloving and outgoing self.

And.. my TEETH!!! they are in a horrendous state.. The front teeth are getting increasingly protruding.. Emergency case for braces liao.. Need to extract all the wisdom teeth too. Bah.. I wish I have sponsors.... So much expense awaiting... I wonder why I have to spend extra money on my teeth, more than other people..

2005-10-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

A typical day goes like this....

Wake up at 6am.. rush to take bus.

Reach work at 7am.

Tend to naughty children.

More children comes at 12noon....

Help comes at 1pm or later...

Absolute havoc till 7pm...

On top of this.. I still have lots other work to do..

And someone hates me talking about work. Someone isn't interested at all. Someone doesn't care if though he had said few times that he will try his best to help me with my work. And someone is forever so dishonest and keeping so many things from me. I wish that someone would change.. Though it's easier for me to change myself than to change him.

I don't have energy anymore.. I am getting 6 or less hours of sleep everyday. Someone goes out with his friends when he could be nice to come help me a little.

I'm tired to trying to please that someone in many ways.

Why do I spend so much money on that someone too? Those are my HARD EARNED money.. I mean. real hard.. earning money is so hard for me..

ACtually, I hate it that I have been such a grouch in the recent years. I wish I am someone more lovable so that that someone would treat me better.. would want to spend more time with me.

Fuck..I need to go sleep..blogging is not helping.. it makes me feel bad that I am showing to my blogger frens what a grouch I am ..

btw.. something not very important but.. well.. the guy that guy the one that I didn't get together with one year ago. He's sorta contacting me thru sms now and asking me out.. he said stuff like he missed me over msn. and couldn't stop thinking about for the past one year. asked me out etc.. said that it was hard to get over me and so he tried real hard to avoid me for one year. So, why look for me all of a sudden, I wonder? Frankly speaking..I won't want to believe that i really mean that much to him for the past one year. Very hard to believe. Maybe for a week or so, but one year is quite impossible. And...I won't consider him. I just don't like him. He's not suitable for me.

Then there's my very first bf.. Gosh.. he doesn't stay in any part of Singapore loh..Even if I spare $20 for a cab trip, I won't be able to reach him. He was telling me over msn how valuable our relationship was then. That was love to its truest form...To bad, I ruined it in the end.... I'm not thinking about getting back with him lah.. It's impossible.

I am just sulking and whining as you can see..I feel so awful...I so dis like myself for not being a cheerful girl.

2005-10-02T02:14:00.000+08:00

heyhey.. computer was down.. nobody wanted to fix for me. I cannot tarhan liao... fix it myself just now.. wahahaha.. here i am now.

i have been feeling like i have lost touch with everyone.. I dunno why I find having the access to the internet exciting. It has lots to entertain me with. I am so excited about my access to internet that it's 2.20am and I am still at teh computer! I usually turn in before 12 midnight these days cos I gotta drag myself up at 6am..FReaking 6am.. Gosh..back to school days?

Anywayz.. I actually talked to my ex bf earlier.. the very first bf. the last thing he told me was to believe him that I am actually a very lovable girl. haha.. well..i can go sleep with sweet dreams..

these days.. i have been very stressed.. been told that i have been talking in my sleep, about WORK!!!!! in perfect english too.. haha.. I dunno. but I know I think about work all day all night, everywhere anywhere.

oh.. and someone just told me over msn that he 'actually kinda misses me' then went offline immediately. eh?? I talked about him before. The guy I didn't get together with about a year ago.

mom's talking about work again... sigh.. I actually dun feel like talking.. Spare me please....It's work and more work even in my dreams!

last thing.. went to bring my grandma out for dinner earlier today. this to compensate for not living with her and going back regularly.. I'm too tired to shuffle between two homes. my father wasn't at home, until we came back from dinner. saw him at the lift.. felt sad.. felt bad. he must be lonely with noone there for him. noone to care for him and accompany him.. bleah.. i want to cry liao. shall go back to bring both of them out for dinner after my busy work week.

2005-09-18T12:22:00.000+08:00

I'm in a an awful mood.. aarghh..whatever.

****

Went Thumper on Friday night. I like the place, the life band, the crowd and drinks. It's unlike a particular place I used to go which dilute drinks. The same apricot brandy tastes tons better at Thumper.

But.... it's really quite irritating at the entrance before getting in. You have to go very early. Otherwise, you will be stuck in a queue and only pple who are not WELL-OFF enough have to go through that shitty queue that hardly ever moves. It moves when the bitchy lady who should be the manager decides to.

It says """Full House". But a lot of pple are going thru through the priority queue. Initially I told myself that it's just a marketing gimmick..It's like that..It's human nature to give differential treatment.. but then after waiting for ages in the sweltering hot outdoors, i got pissed and started shooting irritated glares at the bitchy lady who has been strutting around saying that she's going to start accepting "Black Card" at that time. So those with the black card go in first, even though it's FULL HOUSE. And so those with black cards were sifted out and they were all the UNCLES lah. They are all in their 30s or more. What's the big deal that they have more prestigious cards? What were they when they were in their early 20s???? We can all get that bloody black card in 10 years' or more time, can't we??? Idiots of idiots.

When we got in.. it was super crowded. Each person has minimal space. It's not glamorous at all with all the jostling.. Still, you try to enjoy yourself. I did a lot of people watching. Watched how the girls dance and dress.. I aspire to dance like them too! Super sexy.

Yep..I'm a bear with sorehead.

Cos nobody wants to give me happiness and make me feel very xing4 fu2.

If I ask that idiot to meet me a bit more often, he will tell me he want to break up with me. FUCK. Somebody, kindly match make me with a guy who knows what love is all about. When I am finally happy, I won't use such profanity, I promise. :) hahahahaha/... some pple bring out the best in you..and some bring out the worst in you. I just need the former breed again.

*********

On Saturday, I went night cycling... Tonight, Chinese Garden for Mid-Autumn if nothing goes wrong.

Might walk the pitiful dog.. It's stuck at home everyday with no walks.. None of us in the house has the energy or time to tend to him anymore. It's getting as grouchy as me.

2005-09-14T23:28:00.000+08:00

I lost my antibiotics!!!!!!!!! I still cannot figure out how I lost them... I cannot take MC leh. Have to crawl to the clinic early in the morning to get heavier doses soon.. Costs taxi money, medicine money, consultation fees, my morning sleep....bah. quit complaining.. that funny clinic I go to is not that normal doctor's clinic.. I hafta queue for hours to see the doc who like to do funny uncomfortable tests on me. hate to go there.

I have been trying to keep myself sane this few days. I needta make life better for myself. I tell myself that I need to stop being stupid and worsen things all the time.

Today, I received a surprise friendster message from a guy I have lost touch with for one year. JJ knew but he never cared about any guys who might have expressed 'admiration' for me before. I guess it's cos these guys often fall into the 'bad catch' category..and he knows all of them have qualities inferior to him. A guy doesn't need to be rich with high education or good looks to make me happy.

Anyway, this was the guy whom I didn't choose last year. I chose JJ over this guy cos I needed someone I feel is smarter or at least on par with me. This guy has also done some stuff that put me off.. e.g. peeping with friends at couples who are making out at dark places..Yuck. But he was truly good to me then.

In his lengthy message, he left his new handphone number and said that he makes a very good listening ear and that I can call him to confide my problems.. I don't think I will lah..

Trying to make adjustments to my life. Trying to find happiness for myself loh...................... Thanks people...

2005-09-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

She's a novelty.

She's attractive.

She is more capable because she earns more money.

He sees her everyday.

She spends a lot more time with him than me.

She goes to lunch with him.

She talks on the phone with him.

She shows concern and admiration for him.

Concern from an attractive stranger is worth a million times than concern from an everyday companion.

She messages him.

He doesn't know her well just yet.

And so it seems that she's better in everyway.

And so it seems...

I look like a hag with irritating dogs at home.

I am not capable working in a company with no name and considerably lower income.

I hardly get to see him.

There are no other pple but children and more children at my work place.

He was very determined to break up just last month.

EVerything's still so unstable.

We started off very badly and it just never got well for long.

I look like a total hag. No matter what I do, I will just not be as attractive.

No matter how well I have treated him all this while.. it will hardly amount to any credit in face of another shitty girl.

Well... when it happens, it happens.. no point trying to hold on anymore.. I am tired.

Time after time. There must be something very wrong with me. I need to learn from my mistakes. What mistakes have I committed in my past two relationships?

One main mistake is to let the boyfriend know that I don't trust him. IT's really weird. They expect you to trust them completely even after they have lied several times to you before.

I guess another mistake is taht I am too gullible. I shouldn't believe a guy when he says he likes me a lot. In both relationships, I realised within the first week that both boyfriends did not like me much at all. They just want a girlfrend and they happen to meet me at that point of time. I am not the one they really want at all. The next time someone tells me that he likes me, I am going to kick him very hard.

The idiot works at a local university that a whole lot of you go to. maybe I can just ask a friend to pop over and help me see who he is attracted to. I know it's pointless.. Bah./. .Fuck. Idiots of idiots. Dont' tell me that it's his losss and not my loss. I have lost a lot a lot a lot a lot. Time. Money. Feelings. Youth. Opportunity costs. He merely lost someone he doesn't love much. What loss did he incur?????

Don't tell me someone better will come along. The last time I broke up.. this idiot came along and he's just slightly better. Does this count?

I guess I contributed to the situation. If I were that good, he wouldn't have been this way. I needta reflect.

2005-09-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

Err..I put on 4kg in one month.

I just realised today that I have been going quite a number of places recently.

Just this week alone, I have been to

Sunday,
~ play pool
~watch guys play billiard

Thursday,
~yatch club for super heavy dinner then to Jurong Point

Friday,
~West Coast Park (excursion with the little ones) in the morning and Pasir Ris Park at night.

Saturday,
~Steamboat dinner at Marina South

Forgot what I did Monday to Wednesday.. I just remember eating very heavy meals very often mostly because I am afraid that I would get gastric.

And I just realised that I am like a full time tuition teacher giving tuition Monday - Sunday. Hey, this isn't how things should be.... I don't like to give tuition. I think I can't teach well. I can't improve the children's results by leaps and bounds.

2005-09-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

Sexy baby. Happy baby..

whowhowho???

me!!! me!!!

bleah.. i guess dressing up can really lift up my mood. if the one going out with me pays a compliment to my outloook that day, i would be even more joyful, just like tonight. Make me feel like I look good. Make me feel like skipping around instead of walking. sillygirl hiakz

and cos i was in a good mood, i bought another new tube top. i just bought one about two weeks ago. the previous tube top is still unwrapped in its packaging.. I hardly have chances to wear clothes like this.

bringing the kids out for a little excursion tomorrow. i realise that their school performance and their happiness mean a hell lot to me. the responsibility of improving the grades and seeing them happy weighs heavily on me each day.

2005-09-06T23:25:00.000+08:00

I doubt I will ever have a female best friend again. I doubt I will have any best friends again ever again ever ever again ever again...

I have lost two really good ones after college.

It's bad. I am the kind that other girls do not know how to be friends with. Many find me weird and quiet and antisocial with no life who only likes to study. Think they are mad to think that I am studious. Hardly any girls would try to know me better.

I realise I don't know how to get along with girls. The more I try to keep the friendship, the faster it slips away. I don't do anything now.

I am very passive when it comes to friendship with girls. They gotta let me know that I am welcomed into their lives. They gotta let me know that they are interested in being more than acquaintance with me. It's only there and then, I will open up to them and be able to get along with them more naturally. I can only relax and truly be myself with my old girlfriends. There isn't any female friend that is close to my heart now.

Not eloquent with my thoughts here....................I want best friends. I want good friends. Send me some soon? Difficult to get them at this age... Even more difficult since I am waiting for them to come to me, instead of actively seeking for them.

2005-09-04T22:00:00.000+08:00

Goodness..I keep thinking of a particular someone today. Gotta stop it stop it stop it stop it. Better not blog about it. I won't cheat on my partner. Just sometimes, some thoughts secretly seep into my mind. I won't be like those people I loathe -- those people who cheat on their partners. I won't I won't I won't.

Meant to blog about HOW I HANDLE LIFE AFTER BREAKUP.

I am not going through a break up now. But I did before. Just thought of blogging about it. Borrowed a book to read today. Haven't read a novel for ages. I tend to be more practical. If I were to read, I would read something very informative like newspapers, Time, Newsweek, Businessweek etcetc.. Cleo and Female are informative reads too. :) Anywayz, the book reminded me that the last time I read was when I was single.

I always feel like I don't want to live anymore after each breakup. Not that there were many.
There would be some stuff I would start doing right away to make myself feel better.

~ Bring a lot of tissue paper out. Cos I might burst out crying any moment of the day doing anything anywhere.

~ Do something to my hair. Cos every breakup make me feel totally unattractive. I want to feel attractive again.

~ Doll up more before I go out.

~ Start making new friends - mostly guys. Ooops...

~ Plan all my days way in advance. I would make sure that I would have something to occupy my mind with every moment till bed time. Ask a friend out almost every night.

~Buy novels to read.

~Before I sleep, I would call at least one friend to talk to. The friend would talk to me, listen to me cry, counsel me till I fall asleep each night.

~Go to church.

~ I would also list out the characterisitics of the next boyfriend I want to have and ask my friends to match make me.

Sounds like I can't live without a guy? Actually, all these are just to help me get over the initial phase after breakup. AFter a month or so, I would be fine, and would actually back off when there are guys who want to be together. I will be totally hesitant and not want to rush into a new relationship anyhow again.

Only one boyfriend and the boyfriend my future husband was what I always wanted. Well.. it's impossible now of cos, now that I am at my third. I remember that I wasn't serious about him at first. I thought I would just date him for a few months and wouldn't be serious because he's not the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life time with. We just aren't suitable for each other. But well.. I ended up being serious. Damn.

Having typed this, I feel lucky that there were so many who were there for me when I feel like I couldn't survive each day.

*****

I'm beginning to like playing pool. Hope to improve and start playing at the billiard table soon. :)

When I ever get the bikini I want, I will start swimming again.

I want to practise my singing again. Might buy a basketball to do a little shooting and stuff at the court too. Nobody wants to do tennis with me lah.

By the way, I went gym again yesterday. haha. Got kaki, otherwise I would have just plopped myself on the sofa and watched tv all night. I shall see if I can still be as athletic as in the past. A good fren went with me to the gym once and yelled," hello?? you look like you feel totally out of place in a gym. did you forget that u were a swimmer, a basketballer, a runner blahblah.." I was slightly slightly slightly above average in sports in the past. But yea..that was in the past. And people just can't link me to sports anymore now. They find it incredible that I ever do sports cos I am so gu niang at times and avoids the sun.

I learnt today that one of JJ's friends actually has a sister who lives in my area. He said he has actually been coming here to swim n work out for a few years. I was like.. hur.. that was even before I got to know JJ. (Only know JJ for about one year until now. ) But I have never bumped into him here all this while. I know him about a year ago too. Now, what's the big deal about this, you may wonder.. well......well....... *shrug**

Wah..haven't spent such a long time blogging for ages. :)

2005-09-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

I was once told that I am a brave girl, because I am not afraid to take injections, to donate blood, to be a potential bone marrow donor. Did a blood test today. His words came to my mind. Bleah. I am not brave lah. He had a crush on me, so everything I do seem extra angelic to him. Oopps.. That was years ago, back in college though. I just want to say something nice about myself and feel better about myself.

By the way.. have been reprimanded quite a number of times for not being business minded enough. I hate to charge my customers higher prices and always worry that I am not giving them enough value for money. I don't chase after late payments either. !!!!!!! I'm just more concerned with giving them value for money more than them giving me value for my time and effort. if you know what i mean..

2005-09-01T23:39:00.000+08:00

A Primary 6 girl just got me stumped with all her impractical curiosity again.

What colour is a mealworm? I guess brown.

What the hell is a fish fern? I said I would check.

At which stage is the moth inactive? Answer -pupa stage. Why not the egg? And if it is inactive, why issit able to weave a cocoon still?

And loads others..

Asked a couple of friends, nobody knows.

K...I will got try my luck at google later.

*********

Been very stressed with regards to a problem, on top of all the other problems.

I wanted bought a Hello Kitty or My Melody sweet dispenser to cheer myself up at the supermarket.

I walked by a cake shop, went in...... and was most tempted to buy one entire cake to cheer myself up again.

Did not buy any of them. Must be rational. Sweets --tooth decay. Cake -- saturated fats. hahahhaaaaaaa..sianz

I don't know why I seem totally fine when I am with friends. They take things off my mind without me having to pour out my woes at all. I needta surround myself with friends.

***

My mother always wanted me to be a teacher and my sister a police officer. haha. really.

2005-08-29T22:50:00.000+08:00

6 minutes of jogging on the treadmill and I felt kinda dizzy when I stopped. 6minutes only leh (plus some brisk walking). See if I can carry on this gym routine for the weeks to come.

I have a sudden thought of joining NIE. More stress free. I sorta view it as a relatively more stress free job. The most stressful part of the job would be struggling to reach school on time each morning. :)

I don't know what I want after all.

2005-08-29T00:17:00.000+08:00

More socialising means more expenditure...My expenditure this month is... sigh... Go tabulate later..

Work's improving.. but I'm facing a capacity problem. Need a bigger place else can't get more biz. Giving myself 2 years to try this thing - the 'entrepreneur route'. I take it that 8 months have passed and I have only 1 year and 4 months left... 8 months have passed since graduation. I have achieved...Nothing thus far.

By the way.. the next time u see me, please tell me that my hair sucks, my complexion worsen, I got fatter etc etc... Really, you would be doing me great service.

Cos u see..I'm superstitious, but I have my reasons for being so. Everytime people give positive comments about me, the opposite will start coming true. The most recent example being my complexion. Friends have been saying that my complexion's improved... and since then, I find increasing lot of blemishes on my face of late. No logical causal relationship, but ... *shrug**

**
Shall start thinking of cheap stuff to do with frens. :) msn! free, only electrical bills to pay. bleah...

2005-08-28T00:23:00.000+08:00

Reviewing today...

Met 2 bloggers - the blissful couple. So sorry to be late and a sian n awkward company to them today. ha

I went on to shop with JJ. Both of us are really SIAN today.. Fatigue is one of the reasons, I'm afriad that there are other reasons too... Dont' want to think further into that though.

I am so deprived I tell you! Hardly go to town area. Went Far East, bought a huge pair of button earrings that are sorta in fashion now. Hiakzz. Later bought another orangy pinkish tube top from Southhaven.. as if I need this sort of clothes now.. Wonder when I will get to wear it. Popped into Hollywood Secrets to do my eyebrows too. Ha..

Just very sian lah. Almost went to play pool even though I'm not quite interested in it. Finally, me the spoilt brat agreed to go home...

**

I miss little YW, my new botak China boy. He's so cute. Seeing him on Monday again. I want a baby son......

*****

And..I've been very worried about something. Takes up at least 3 hours of my sleep worrying every day. I know it's no use worrying...

don't worry be happy
for worrying is like a rocking chair
it keeps u busy
but leads u nowhere..

**shrug***

2005-08-25T23:17:00.000+08:00

Issit wrong of me to want to talk about my work? I just feel that I am going through something different from the norm. I need help. I tend to talk about the children even after work. But I guess noone would want to listen to all these. It's just irrelevant to them, including Mr Disappointing.

Some people advise that I should not talk about work after work hours and affect whoever I am talking to. Issit really that bad? Issit really that annoying and boring to listen to my concerns? Fuck. Whatever...

****

I shall blog then, since someone doesn't want to listen to me...

One of the latest 'addition' to my students is a little China boy. He's the third one. (Third China boy, I mean) He's both irritating and cute. ha.. I was rather surprised when he came to sit on my lap to do his writing. He likes to rest himself against me too. So sweet can! Would be better if he's got a better memory. These little boys from China all shaved their heads bald. The Singporean children cannot understand the China boys' Chinese - find the Chinese spoken way too fast. It's rather hilarious. Thank God I can make out what these China boys are saying.

I find these China boys a lot more expressive than Singaporean children. Not just the children, even Chinese adults. They can express their thoughts in words very very well. Unlike Singaporeans, whether in English or Chinese, we often use the same lot of words to express what we want to say and all. Some Chinese are alot more eloquent than a lot of us.

2005-08-25T03:38:00.000+08:00

I have been neglecting everything blogging...

Just back from Zouk.. Don't quite enjoy it. Btw, I thought that the crowd comprised mostly guys and significantly fewer girls.. Perhaps the girls prioritise their beauty sleep instead of male attention. kk..crappy. but, serious, there were really a lot more guys and maybe I was blur from the alcohol, but I thought a hell lot of the guys look good. Now now, how can that be true right? Then again, before I started drinking tonite, I already thought quite a number of the guys look good, but that's pretty much none of my business. I won't drool over cute guys. No nonono.. There were a few babes too. Stole a number of glances at them. Despite the dim lighting, it's still very apparent who's a beauty and who's not. Now, this is strange. Almost all the guys looked good, but there was quite a disparity when it comes to the girls.. yadayadayada....Not important.

What is more important is... I didn't feel that excited and had much fun tonight. Why? I grew out of clubbing? I was troubled about work and some other matters? Work was hectic and sapped me out any energy to party? Maybe, it's because of how I looked tonight. First, my hair! I chopped off HALF my hair length plus volume on Saturday. Half leh!!! I haven't had short hair for a very long time. Also, my hair's been dyed black which isn't that flattering for my ghastly pale blood drained face. I was actually envious of the long flowy hair of the girls around. Thought the long hair made each of them look at least 30% better. Then, it's what I wore. It didn't make me feel attractive or sexy at all. The next time, it's going to be a skimpy dress or a super low cut top with a mini skirt. Bleah. Finally, JJ didn't comment about how I look except grumble that I took too long to get ready -- one hour. Is one hour long? One hour includes gobbling down my dinner leh.

I guess compliments can really make someone's day, especially for pple like me. Then again, it also depends on who the compliments come from. My Mom and her assistant saw me before I went out and commented that I looked a lot better than usual. Actually they described me with some other words which are too embarrassing to be written here. Despite what they said, I still wasn't confident of how I looked. Well well.....Looks lookss..looks...

It's 4am.. I been thinking of blogging and blogging but didn't have the chance too. So here I am blogging.....

May all go well for those that I care about. Peace and Beauty to this World. Cheers!

2005-08-18T23:33:00.000+08:00

i want to blog.. but that person's (that person is not JJ) back.. i cannot use comp anymore...

not happy!!!!! as usual.

i don't want to expect anything or say anything.. i will just live each day as it is........

**

btw, issit very common that guys do not like to meet their gfs too much. Is two times a week too much? 3 times too much?

Just wondering..

Why does my ex bfs meet me everyday? Without even me clinging onto them. Cos they like me a lot a lot. not like this guy.

when he's sick, i must be there.

when I am sick, he gets annoyed and runs away.. idiot.

2005-08-18T00:17:00.000+08:00

This computer I am using now is archaic.. very annoying to use. Surfing is difficult.

Anywayz.. gastric gone! thank god. But I've got a headache. Dunno why.

These days, I am trying to learn to cope with loss, not to feel so awful everytime I lose something important to me. Shall not elaborate.

My friends are asking me out again!! :) Unforunately, I don't quite have time to meet up. My work ends late on weekdays. JJ doesn't like to meet me much. He prefers to meet his friends. I am serious. He's always been this way. IT's a torture for him to meet me often. I don't want to be bothered about the number of days I get to meet him anymore. I don't want to try so hard to make days he wants to meet me free.

Though, going out with my friends mean more spending! I don't like to spend money........ Not cos I am a scrooge or what. I just want to save some money. I try not to spend much now mostly because I don't earn much and I have been returning excess money to my mother.

**
My friend just told me on msn that his friend was exploring his laptop today and commented that a particular girl is pretty. That girl is me lah. Now now... why does he have a number of my photos in his laptop?? Maybe, he keeps photos of loads of girls. I think so. Anyway, I take it that I am quite photogenic in the past. Remember how on one interview, the two lady interviewers said that I look real sweet in the photo of my resume, but look very different in person. hmmm..hmm......hmm....

In GREAT pain....

2005-08-17T00:15:00.000+08:00

Don't know what to blog about.

Don't get to use the internet much too.

I have been suffering from a terrible gastric attack sing 7pm.... It's 12 midnight already... USually, my gastric pills will ease the pain in 5 minutes. This time round, it didn't. Not even in 2 hours. Went to see a doctor got a jab and a whole lot of medicines. I don't get gastric attack often....

Anyway... so I can't have my spicy food, daily ice kopi drink, bubble tea and all for sometime, and after that once in a while. All my favourite leh. All the stuff that makes me high leh.. Not asking for pity lah..Though I'm in a pretty pathetic state now. I can't sit straight, can't stand, can't walk.. the pain is constant, forever there. I can't sleep cos it's too painful. Man, I have got a pretty high threshold for pain.

Will take care lah.. I have to. There are pple around that will make sure I do.. I don't skip meals u know... But I still get gastric..

The doc offered to gimme a MC! :) I'm self employed u know? Give the MC to myself tmr? Bleah...

Pain, pain..go away.. don't come back again any other day. bleah

2005-08-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

Bath time can be really enjoyable. I love buying nice shower foam to bathe with. Like the Johnson Baby's milk or that purplish version. Nicee! Too bad the smell doesn't last longer. Also like STrawberry scrub.

Just bought Silkpro to try. Yielded to the incessant screening on SilkPro's advertisements on SCV.

Didn't rebond my hair today as I said I would. Found out that it costs nearly $300 to rebond at Kimage. But Kimage's good! I tried it quite long ago. Sigh... I'm gonna take the risk to go those $100 plus ones coming weekend.

Btw.. I think I have 'lesbianic' tendencies. Shall not say why since I know some of you. :) But I would never get a girl for a partner of cos. :) Girls are too whiney and irritating as a partner. They would want you to give in to them most of the time.

2005-08-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

I don't like her!!!!

But I have to bump into her tonight.

She doesn't contribute positively to my life.

My other friends have long 'ditched' her..

It's so difficult to 'ditch' an old friend. It seems impossible.

I wish I can say more, but, bah.. think she's a blogger as well. Chances of her getting to my blog and recognising me is still there. Bah.

God, I don't want to meet her again. How not to?? How many times can I say No? How many times can I say that I am busy?

*****************

Yesterday night was a happy one. :) I should really go out with friends more.

I think.. I prefer a guy who loves to meet me often and spends a lot of time with me. I don't really like those super sensible ones who always prioritises work above all others.

2005-08-10T23:31:00.000+08:00

A girlfren asked me to join her to club tonight.. I WANT TO GO!!! But.. so last minute.. And..I really need to catch up on my sleep. Else I can't deal with the children tmr and would be dozing off when I meet Tempest.

This is a little weird..but clubbing makes me feel attractive.

And I have decided to rebond my hair. Finally. This weekend, I shall. Enough of my frizzy hair. It depresses me everyday. Shall snip some inches off too.

And And And And And.. I have been looking at people's spectacles. I like yellow and green framed ones! I want I want I want!!! But... I don't think green will look all right on me. It's a cool colour, probably not suit me. I know my red still suits me better... How?????

I can't think of any special occasion coming up when I can ask for an extra pair of spectacles for pressie... Mid Autumn Festival???? Who's willing to buy me a Mid Autumn Festival present? Ha.. All right, I'm babbling away here, I know.

Last month, my total expenditure was about $500, of which $150 went to hair and facial products. Ha.. Of cos, I actually spent a lot more than this. I get free rides from my mother and some free meals and some movie treats.. Is $500 very little or average or what?

2005-08-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

Hey pple..

I guess... I should feel loved. I have a whole lot of friends showing me concern the moment they know. I didn't go telling everyone, just a few, but the few I told have surprised me. All offered to be there for me immediately. Thank God for these great pple, including all of you here. I haven't even been much of a blessing to them in anyway before, but yet they offer to be nice to me.

I have been feeling awful and I am learning how to manage my emotions better. I know I have to socialise more. It helps to make me feel loads better. And every night, I have to talk to a friend till I am tired before I sleep. Thankfully I have friends who stay up as late as 3 -4 am..

Went KTV on Thursday night. People from Prudential are quite free. :) wahahaa.. Sang with them. Didn't want to go home early.. Want to be surrounded by noise and people. Anyway, I finally went KTV after months. :) My singing has deteriorated....

Was supposed to go the a City Harvest thing today...My friend even offered to pay for my cab fare as long as I go. But, I succumbed to my fatigue and slept into the afternoon.

I can't quite blog or read blogs cos I seldom have access to the internet...

2005-08-04T01:31:00.000+08:00

So bloody sad again.

Now, JJ wants to dump me.

I don't love him much you know.. but I'm still horribly sad.. Cos I so hate changing boyfriends, nurturing relationships after relationships, introducing new people to my family again and again..I'm tired of it all..

Even if the relationship should end and it's for the good of me too, I still can't help but feel very very sad......

He shouldn't have gone after me/. He shouldn't have. It's not even a year.

I know I have mentioned about crying so often.. but really.. I am so exasperated. Tears well up every now and then, during work, when watching tv, when eating.. anytime anywhere. I have to try so hard to contain them.. I don't want people to see me crying. I don't want my family to know.

FUCK. can I just die.. and dun wake up tmr.. but my mother will be so sad.. Nothing good's happening.

2005-08-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

Coming home to watch my favourite SCV serials = JOY :)

I am going mad at work.

Guess what!! Being young is a problem. When my customers see me, they always comment that I am young and you know what they are thinking, that I might be a greenhorn and their children won't be in good hands. Hallo? Don't tell me someone 30 years old can definitely teach better than I can. Must be the experience thingy again. Shrug. How to look more mature huh? I should stop wearing casual clothes to work, perhaps. Anyway, I think I am a very mature girl. Hiakz.. I do recall some of my friends having the same problem too.

Another problem -- place too small. This is quite a problem. The place is really too small. There are pros and cons lah.. I got an offer for a much bigger venue at very low rental rate at the same block, but unfortunately that place needs serious renovation and I really don't want to dump in tens of thousands at this point in time. I also lack good help. Maybe it's my fault. I tend to micromanage.

needta go. catch up on ur blogs again. take care!

2005-07-31T14:49:00.000+08:00

JJ went to check out cars with his uncle and mother. He got a new job at the University where most of you have studied in. Got a pay raise. So, he's looking to buy a car to ferry babes and his mom. He didn't ask me along to look at the cars even though I am doing nothing at home. Tell you, we are just together now cos we can't really bear to break up with each other, just yet.

Still feeling terrible as usual.

BTw, he doesn't like me blogging. Think he has mentioned it twice. He doesn't like it that I let strangers know so much personal stuff. But, I don't regard you pple as strangers. I think you all are blessings. Blessings!

I first started writing in online diaries because of my first boyfriend. He's a Hongkonger and it was a trend over there then few years' ago to write. He started an online diary to tell me how bad he's struggling after our breakup. Then I started writing because I needed to tell someone how much a terror my second boyfriend was. Then I switched over to blogspot.

When a couple started quarrelling frequently, it's probably a hint that the demise of the relationship is near. We are trying lah.

I need to socialise!!!! Not to tell my friends about all my problems cos believe it or not, I try not to talk much about my problems with friends. Cos once I start talking, I will find myself having a lot of negative things to say and it doesn't even help saying all of them out. Just meeting my friends and having a goodtime is a lot more healing than sharing with them my problems. STrange?? But it's this way for me. TAkes things of my mind and helps me get in touch with my fun-loving self.

2005-07-30T19:15:00.000+08:00

Hey all..

Thanks for all the concern.

That night, I cried so hard, I was sick and stoned the next day. Couldn't quite keep my eyes opened.

Some couples just break and patch, break and patch. JJ and I have joined this lot. So, we are back together for another good try.

**

I am a total hag and loner now. NEedta look good!!!!! Uphill task.

Saturday Night In. Alone. Sianzzzzzzzzzz.

I want to go out!!!!!!! With who???

2005-07-28T22:51:00.000+08:00

I'm so damn SAD!!!! But I have to go on pretending nothing sad happened to me. I have to try so hard to fight back my tears. I so not want to cry in front of anyone, especially people at home.

He was sick. I went to visit him after work. Have always wanted to show that I care in many ways. Then something silly happened.

I was at the house for a little over one hour. He was saying something like before I came, he was sleeping, after I go he would be sleeping again. If I were not there, he would be sleeping. So I got a little pissed, thinking, there he was going again. Want me to go his house, but only want me to be there for a while, that I should leave by a certain time so that he can sleep or whatever. He's always like that. I thought to myself, what the hell. How am I supposed to know whether he wanted me to be there, for how long he would want me to be there. I was just there a little over an hour. Too long? Should I just stay 15 minutes then leave? Whatever. IT's always like that anyway. Only I will be disturbing him. He won't be disturbing me. Only I want to meet him often badly. But not him.

And I was so tired while he thought he's very sick and couldn't be bothered with me. Honestly, to me, he's always saying that he's sick even though it's just a slight problem. He always says he's not feeling well but I don't quite see anything wrong. When I am real sick, he doesn't even show concern. Whatever lah. I already tried to show concern everyday he says he's sick.

And I just packed my stuff and left his house. After a while I returned to his house again. I took my things, including our photo albums and left. He didn't care. He just let me leave. Both of us never say anything. But we both know that when I take away the photo albums, it's the end of the relationship. We are over. It's over. I've never taken away the albums and my other stuff away before.

I so know that I will regret my actions. But perhaps there's nothing worth regretting about, since he doesn't mind breaking up over either. Since he doesn't try to mend the relationship or salvage the situation in anyway, he's really not worthed me trying to please and trying so hard to love anymore.

I'm already going nutz at work. The children have been driving me crazy. Then there are other issues about profitability, whether I have made the right decision, and that I need help at work..

kIt's too much. It's too much. WAy too much. I cannot control my emotions. I find it very hard.

So friends who know me. Please, remember the old Satin who was sane. When I lose my sanity, don't start seeing me as a psychotic individual and drift away from me. I am really having problems in controlling my emotions -anger, grief, fear and all the other negative emotions. I so need a psychiatrist. But I'm not getting one. Trying to calm myself eeach time by breathing properly and focusing on more positive things..

I can't be alone anymore. I need to get out of all these.

2005-07-24T01:36:00.000+08:00

Today, I was at the vcd shop choosing a vcd to rent. Wanted to watch Jude Law's film.

JJ told me that Jude Law had an affair with his child's nanny.

You can be sure that I will boycott all Jude Law's films from now on. Scumbag.

I so hate men who engage in affairs and I think 90% of the men in this world living right now, have been unfaithful or will be unfaithful to their partners in their lifetime.

I hate men. But I can't quite do without men. Not men. I just need one man to love me truly. So difficult. I want to get married. But I think I will be so unlucky to have a husband who sleeps around with his best female friends of colleagues or some shitty girls, after I bear children and turn old and then, I would have to get a divorce and fight for my child's custody with him.

I so think that JJ will engage in affairs. He's displaying so many likely signs. Men like variety. When they have you, they will desire the others. Ok lah. MOST men. Not all men. But I bet I will be the unfortunate lot to meet with those scumbags.

Porn is bad. It causes men to have unrealistic expectations of women. FUCK!!!!!! I so hate the world I am living in now. I'm not saying that JJ will engage in affairs just because he views porn. This is another point.

I'm ANGRY!!!! Everytime I heard about idiots having affairs, I will be very disturbed and sink into depression thinking that it will happen to me too.

JJ's mother been having affair with a FRIEND. So much for friends. Guys would declare that there exists platonic friendships. Yea, very hard to come by. Back to the affair. Their families know each other and the man of the other family started to have an affair with JJ's mother. It's been on for years. Tell me, how to respect her? I hate affairs like anything. Sorry, I can't repect her. And I am giving that disgusting man face by calling him Uncle. Cheats on his wife for so many years. Ought to be shot.

But I guess in a way it's actually good for me that JJ's mother has this disgusting man for company. Else, she will stick to JJ even more. Yea.. she leeches to JJ. Thank God she's got that man. Sigh..Whatever.. I am mean. YEa. Now you know. What the hell. I just want happiness. Just want a man who really loves me. Who will protect me and not hurt me.

You know how TV dramas always show how a girl is crossing the road not knowing a vehicle is about to knock her down. A man who loves the girl dearly would go "Look out for the car!" Run to push the girl away and get knocked down by the car.

I think if I were the girl. JJ would just stand rooted by the roadside and shout, "Look out for the car!"Then after I get knocked down by the car, he would weep and call the ambulance.

Right. Let's go to a less dramatic scenario..

You know how some men would swear by not hurting the girls ever and giving her only happiness. Some men would firmly believe in not making their girls cry. You know, most men are not like this.

Bah.. Just my luck to have met JJ.

*****

I accidentally deleted the rest of my entry. I guess I shall just end with that JJ is trying to change, to give me what I want. Don't think I am expecting too much. CAre for me when I am sick. BEcause he doesn't. Be there for me when I have big problems, because he doesn't. Be honest. Accept me for who I am. I doubt he can change much though.

Yay!!! How nice... Another failed relationship.

2005-07-21T23:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was graduation. It was a total chore having to sit through the entire event.

It's meaningless to me. As I listen to the speech, I felt that it's irrelevant and so insignificant to me. Why irrelevant? I'm not one of those SMU produced high flyers. I'm not one of those professionals working in huge organisations achieving steadily growing high income, making good use of the SMU education. I'm not one of those successful entrepreneurs. I think I am totally throwing the Uni's face. Not gonna tell anyone where I was previously studying.

Was a little excited to see certain friends though. Then again, I know a hell lot of pple, but is not close to anyone of them. They outcast me. They don't like me. What to do? *Shrug** But I know it's because I don't look approachable and always harbour the mentality that noone would like me as a friend and I should just keep to myself and stay a loner.

But sometime ago, one of this lot of SMU pple did a project with me. They were some instances when we were alone to each other. Sometime later at a bash, I heard from some other girls that this particular girl said that "SSSSSS is actually very nice and happening." Well, those pple never know me. It's partly my fault. I am not proactive enough in friendships. I will often assume that I'm the outcast. I'm sensitive. I backed away if I am excluded.

Sometimes I will be shocked when some of them exclaimed stuff such as "SSSS can actually sing very well!".. "SSSSSSS actually goes pubbing and dancing!!" "SSSSS actually dresses up!" yadayadayadayada.. What? I have always been like this. What's so shocking?

Everyone's shocked at my career decision too. None of my Uni frens know. They don't have the privilege. But my secondary school frens and all are. Those few who know.

And I know my frens think I have chosen the wrong path. They think I'm going into the direction where I won't be making big money just like the other graduates would.

OMIGOD!!!! I am suddenly feeling emotional and sad!! Think I'm going to cry if I continue typing. Going to watch tv.

Who the hell knows me????? Maybe, it's not important that others don't know me. Maybe it's not important.

Sidetracking alittle.. :p I have surprised myself with my Chinese. Goodness gracious. I'm good enough to teach the primary students Chinese! :p

2005-07-18T22:39:00.000+08:00

hieee.

I'm still alive. :)

I so hate it when people ask me where I am currently working. EVeryone's asking me. I will just say that I am working with children near a particular area. I don't like people to know what I Am doing. Excluding u pple though. :)

Graduation aka commencement is this Wednesday. I'm going. I got the graduation gown and all. It flares so much making me 'figureless'. so ugly!!!!!!! eee..eee..

and I've been practising walking with my black mules so that I can walk with them gracefully on Wednesday. My black mules is super high and it hurts my feet after an hour of walking.

***

As for work, everything would have been fine, if not for a particular student. She's a real terror. She's a little intellectually disabled. She can't speak properly or move normally like everyone else. You would have empathise with her and want to shower her with lotsa love, BUT it's really tough because she's got a very bad character problem. She's selfish, dirties and damages all my stuff (tables, chairs..), always want to use my personal stationery to do her work, always dreaming, takes forever to write one single word, forever saying "I dunno, you tell me lah.", she doesn't want to think at all not that she doesn't know, throws things at you, always want to play and damage all my new games, leaves food crumbs all over the centre and attracted a hell lot of ants.. do you know we literally have to have one person tending to her from the time she come till she go home and none of us wants to tend to her cos she's a terror.

TEll ya, we all very very patient and loving pple, but she's off the limit. We so loved all the other children. I'm giving her mother face to continue taking care of her.. aarghhh...

Now, I don't feel good complaining about a little girl. As if I am not mature enough. Whatever. Try coming to sit with her for just one hour, and you will go crazy, I guarantee u.

the rest of the children are really lovable and cute. :) even though they are lazy. haha..

haven't got internet connection. so, haven't been able to blog or read blogs. so sorry.